Clinton Jokes - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/jokeforyou/Clinton

Cheating President

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.In the box were 3 empty
beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was really curious ask to why. That evening while they were out for a special dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying "I am so
sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under the bed.However today the temptation was too much and I gave in.But now I need to know why you keep the cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and
saddened but I guess after all these years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not bad considering the years we've been together."
A little while later Hillary asked Bill "Why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Whenever the box got full of cans, I cashed them in."

Scandal a la Dr. Seuss

STARR I ARE -- a newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss I'm here to ask As you'll soon see -- Did you grope Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?
I did not do that
Here or there--
I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far --
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
to testify?
I do not like you
Starr-You-Are --
I think that you
Have gone too far.
I will not answer
Any more --
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!
The public's easy
To distract --
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!

-Anonymous

LONG CLINTON JOKES:

Bill Clinton and his driver were going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, cigar and tons of money. Bill saw this and asked, "My God, what did you tell them?" The driver replied,
"I told them that I'm Bill Clinton's driver and I just killed the little pig."

A marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a stop. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was up. The cop replied "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is on the road and very upset. He does not have the 33.5 millon dollars he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to cover himself in gas and start a fire."
The marine then asked what the cop was doing. The cop replied "I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations."
The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?"
"Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are siphoning as we speak!"

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrinch and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes long and whirls them into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and get out of the car, they realize they are in the Land of Oz. The decide to go see the Wizard of Oz. Dan says, "I'm going to ask for a brain."
Gingrinch says, "I'm going to ask the wizrad for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

Clinton walks out into his garden one day and in the snow is written "Bastard" in piss. He is so mad he goes inside and call the FBI to find out who did the deed. After investigating they come back and say, "Well, Mr. President, we've got bad news and worse news. which one do you wanna hear first?"
"I guess the bad news." Clinton replies.
"It was Al Gore."
"Why the dirty, no good, son of a bitch! What's the worse news?"
The agent says, "it was Hillary's handwriting..."

The Clintons and the Gores were traveling on Air Force One when Bill Clinton looks out the window and says, "I bet I could drop a $10,000 bill off of this plane and make one person very happy."
Then Al Gore said, "Yeah, but I could drop ten $1,000 bills off of this plane and make ten people very happy."
Hillary Clinton then said, "That's true, but, I could drop one hundred $100 bills off of this plane and make one hundred people very happy."
Chelsea Clinton responds, "So what! I could drop you all off of this plane and make the whole country happy!"

Q. What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Santa
Claus?
A. Some people still believe in Santa Claus.
Q. What's the difference between Hillary and Bill?
A. Hillary doesn't get caught.
What does Iraq and the White House have in common?
A. They both have "no fly" zones
Q. How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A. Punch him in the nose.
Q. How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A. Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Q. How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None -- He'll only promise to change it.
Q. How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
A. He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.
Q. What's Monica's new phone number?
A. 1-8OO-OICU812
Q. What's the difference between Prince Albert and Bill Clinton?
A. Prince Albert comes in a can.
Q. What's the best thing Monica got out of Bill's Penis?
A. The Wrinkles.
Q. Did you hear that Bill Clinton and Jimmy Swaggert are coming out with a new magazine?
A. They're going to call it Re-Penthouse.
Q. Why do we call it the White House?
A. Because sperm isn't purple.
Q. What's the difference between Bill and Monica?
A. One doesn't come clean, the other doesn't clean come.
Q. What do Bill Clinton's Dick and a Chevy truck have in common?
A. They're both like a rock!
Q. How did Bill manage to create such a large gender gap in the '96 election?
A. One woman at a time.
Q. There is a rumour circulating that Monica has been arrested. The charge?
A. Receiving swollen goods.
Q. What did Bill say to Al Gore when passing him in the hall?
A. "Pardon Me!"
Q.What is Monica's favorite make of condom?
A. Presidents Choice.
Q. What are the two differences between Harding and the current boss at the White House?
A. An extra "d" and a space preceding it.
Q. If Al was a tree what classification variety would he be?
A. He would be a pinus. With the holiday season just around the corner, someone may just cut the dead wood down.
Q. Did you hear the Clintons are relieved they named their dog "Buddy"?
Q. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky has joined the Republican Party?
A. The Democratic Party left a bad taste in her mouth......
Q. Why did Monica get promoted?
A. She was a great ass kisser.
A2. She was an up and cumming talent.
Q. Whats the new White House Slogan?
A. Licks are Forbids.
Q. What's the difference between Nike and Clinton?
A. Nike's slogan is "Just Do It." Clinton's is "Just Do Me." Q. What's President Clinton's favorite cartoon?
A. Inspector Gadget.
Q. What do Clinton have in common with Road Kill?
A. No one wants to admit they are interested, but everyone takes the time to look at all the gory details.
Q. What is the sub title to the Starr Report?
A. The President has No Clothes.
Q. What are all the Clinton Ex-Cabinet Member thinking?
A. I got out Just in time!
Q. What do Monica Lewinsky and the Big Bad Wolf have in common?
A. Both are good at Blowing houses down.

Knock, knock, knocking on Clinton's door.
Who's there?
100 Senators and 435 Representatives.
Tell 'em I'm busy in my study, but if they'll wait, cigars for everybody.

Q. What's the difference between John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton?
A. One had his head blown off. The other was assassinated.
Q. How is Monica Lewinsky on a first date like Mark McGwire right after he hit his 62nd home run?
A. They both get so excited that they skip right past first base.
Q. What do Bill Clinton and Mark McGwire have in common?
A. They're both making front-page news with their whacker.
A2. Its all about getting good wood on it.
Q. What is the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
A. On the Titanic, there was a better head count on who went down.
Q. What do Monica and Bill have in common?
A. They both SUCK!
Q. What does Clinton like to do after Church?
A. Shoot the breeze with an intern.
Q. What does Bill Clinton's favorite holiday?
A. Easter Service.
Q. Why did Clinton go to Orlando?
A. He wanted to visit Fantasy Land
Q. When Chelsea was in Girl Scouts, it was mom Hillary that helped with selling the cookies. Why not dad?
A. Because they caught him nibbling on the Brownies
Q. Why did Bill Clinton become a man of the cloth?
A. The move seemed natural after everyone began to picture him a rector.
Q. Why did Bill quit eating garlic?
A. Monica claims "The hole thing left a bad taste in my mouth".
A. What's the difference between Monica and a mosquito?
A2. When you smack a mosquito it stops sucking.
Q. Why doesn't Monica need money?
A. She has a wad of Bill's.
Q. Why is there a hole in the end of Bill Clinton's penis?
A. So he can think with an open mind.
Q. What the difference between Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin?
A. One is worried about looter out on the Street, the other is worried about hooters to easy to reach.
Q. Why does Hillary get up at 6:A.M.?
A. She wants to be the First Lady!
Q. What does NASCAR and Monica's dress have in common?
A. Dick Trickle
Q. What do Snap, Crackle, Pop and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
A. They all talk after being hit with a white liquid.
Q. What do Clinton and an unemployed actor have in common?
A. They don't have any character.
Q. What does Clinton and the Mir Space Station have in common?
A. They both have been up longer than anyone expected and they both have a major debacle every few months.
Q. What has seen more action than Arnold Schwartzineger?
A1. The carpet in the Oval Office.
A2. A seat in the White House theater.
Q. Which song did Hillary get Michael Jackson to sing for Bill on his recent 52nd birthday?
A. "Beat It".
Q. How did Bill's semen get on Monica's dress?
A. Everyone knows Jewish girls don't swallow!
Q. Clinton was watching the Miss Teen USA Pageant on TV the other night........what did he think he was watching?
A. The Home Shopping Network!
Q. What do Clinton and an Iceberg have in common?
A. You can never tell what they are hiding beneath the surface.
Q. What did Monica Lawyer's say right before she testified?
A. Don't Blow It
Q. What did the Congressional Democrats say about Clinton's speech?
A. Nothing until they check the polls.
Q. What do Monica and a hurricane have in common?
A. Both blow hard and leave a mess afterwards.
Q. What is Hillary's favorite river?
A. De'Nile
Q. Who Clinton's favorite sci-fi character?
A. Hand Solo
Q. Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton OS?
A. It goes down all the time, won't clarify the error, but blames misinstalled Starr Software instead, and won't admit to the damage caused to the system.
Q. OJ Simpson's advice to Congress regarding impeachment?
A. If the Dress is a Mess, He Must Confess.
Q. What's Bill Clinton's C.B. Handle?
A. Haywood Jablowme.
Q. Why doesn't Bill pay retail price?
A. He prefers to dicker.
Q. Why is Bill Clinton's favorite White House room the Blue Room?
A. You can't corner anyone in the oval office.
Q. What's the difference between the Clinton White House and brothel?
A. You have to pay for sex in a brothel.
Q. What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
A. "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."
Q. Why did Clinton claim that he never completed a sex act with Monica Lewinsky?
A. Because whenever she put on her presidential kneepads, Geraldo pushed her out of the way.
Q. What did Clinton say when asked about the situation with Rwanda?
A. He denied ever having met her.
Q. Why did Clinton decide to go to Africa?
A. He got the idea thumbing through some of his old National Geographics.
Q. What did Clinton say as he was looking out at the crowd of 500,000 in Africa?
A. Hey, who's the blonde chick?
Q. What did Clinton tell his secretary prior to leaving for Africa?
A. "Get me a lot of singles, I'm going to bush country!"

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ghana.
Ghana who?
Ghana get me some women!

Q. How did Clinton create 14 million new jobs?
A. 13 million of them are comedians
Q. Know why oil stocks are so weak?
A. Major drilling in White House.
Q. What's Clinton's Economic forecast?
A. A "Bare" Market
Q. What are the most important issues Clinton has brought to the nations attention?
A1. Sexual Harassment
A2. Campaign Finance Reform
A3. Law Enforcement
Q. Did you hear that Clinton won an Oscar?
A. He won for Most Dramatic Score.
Q. Why did Clinton flunk spelling?
A. He thought "harass" was two words.
Q.Why is Bill so excited about bombing Iraq?
A. Because it involves attacking a-broad.
Q. What is Monica's Favorite Song?
A. Devil with a Blue Dress
Q. Where did Monica get that dress anyway?
A. Bill was looking for her birthday gift and the dress was the first thing he came across!
Q. Who were Monica's two best friends while she was at the White House?

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Page Updated Sun Jul 10, 2005 8:44am EDT