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Movie quotes
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Song Lyrics Page 2
TV Quotes
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Various Funny Stuff
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Cars Cars and More Cars
Far Too Much Info About Me
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| Various Funny Stuff |
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| Everything on this page is taken from various forwards I've received over the years and also from books and various other things. This is the good stuff! |
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| NEW STATE MOTTOS Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, Maybe Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good. Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign. Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes , 10,000,000 Mosquitoes & 1 Wrestler for Governor" Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney... North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States! Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender. South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English) Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese THE BEST DEADPAN HUMOR A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station... Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? What WAS the best thing before sliced bread? I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?" You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. There aren't enough days in the weekend. If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? What's another word for Thesaurus? Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents' in? Somebody's making a penny. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. On the other hand... You have different fingers. If the pen is mightier than the sword, then in a duel I'll let you have the pen! It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature. I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time. I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'Pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'Compact cars'... I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it. I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back. One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. Do fish get cramps after eating? Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever happened to preparations A through G? I like to reminisce with people I don't know. SOME GOOD JOKES How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall? Dam! What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long? Polaroid's What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work? Stick What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. (Love it.) Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover Vacuum? The Location Of The Dirt Bag Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack! "Dang!" A Bad Skydiver Goes "Dang!" Whack! What Do You Call Skydiving Lawyers? Skeet What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop, Clop, Clop? An Amish Drive-By Shooting How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer Things To Do To Keep A Healthy Level Of Sanity While Driving Other People Insane 1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) 3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. 5) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." 6) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 8) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.' 9) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 10) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy." 11) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 12) Don't use any punctuation 13) As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 14) Ask people what sex they are. 15) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 16) Sing Along at the opera. 17) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 18) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) 19) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.(For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.) 20) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. 21) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. 22) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies 23) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess" 24) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard. 25) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!" 26) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!" 27) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do" 28) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go" 29) Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here" Fun Things To Do In An Elevator: - Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head. - Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. - Shave. - Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" - Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. - When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. - Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. - On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. - Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" - When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!" - Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. - Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" - Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. - Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. - Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. - Leave a box between the doors. - Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. - Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. - Start a sing-along. - When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" - Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." - Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." - Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. - If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" - While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently. The Monkey Story (I think this is the funniest thing ever, even though almost everyone disagrees with me on that issue. So, read it and see if you're another person who disagrees with me.) I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece. I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing. When I got home, I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys. I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, and the odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution: I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. God, I like monkeys. |
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