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| FRIENDS Monica: "Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That he'd turn around and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?" Joey: "I've been thinking. Y'know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls..." Chandler: "Are they end to end, or tall like pancakes?" Rachel: "Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?" Monica: "Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive." Phoebe: "Ha. Ha, ha." Monica: "What?" Phoebe: "Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black." Phoebe: "You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?" Chandler: "Hey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'!" Ross: "Look, I don't care. It starts at eight, we can't be late." Phoebe: "We could not, would not want to wait." Rachel: "You guys, does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?" Phoebe: "I don't know, you might be the first one." Chandler: "Alright, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Mim, 'Get out of my chair, dillhole!'" Joey: "C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!" Chandler: "So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?" Phoebe: "Wait, does he eat chalk?" Joey: "Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?" Phoebe: "Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to." Chandler: "Alright, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference..." Ross: "A thumb?!" Phoebe: "I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in my soda, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!" Chandler: "Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?" Monica: "Hey. Where's Joey?" Chandler: "Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?" Chandler: (Talking to the receptionist in the emergency room) "Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room." Monica: "Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza!" Rachel: "Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus?" Phoebe: "Big Bird's friend." Monica: "Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone." Chandler: "Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'" Joey: "You can't go out there." Monica: "Why not?" Joey: "Because of... the reason." Chandler: "'Gum would be perfection?' 'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself." Shelley: "Question. You're not dating anybody, are you, because I met somebody who would be perfect for you." Chandler: "Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'..." Rachel: "Oh my God! He's calling from Rome! [Takes phone] Bon giorno, caro mio." Ross: [To Joey] "So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome." Ross: "Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not mine, but..." Susan: "What's it look like?" Ross: "Kinda like a big face without skin." Phoebe: (Singing) I made a man with eyes of coal And a smile so bewitchin', How was I supposed to know That my mom was dead in the kitchen? La lalala la la la la lalala la la... WILL & GRACE Karen: "Close your mouth. You look like you're missing a chromosome." Karen: "Spring Edition. 600 pages. You've been nothing but a series of hoots and clicks to me since breakfast." Will: "Jack, now that you're moving in, can I make one small request?" Jack: "What's that?" Will: "Change everything about your personality." Jack: "Ha ha! I get it. Comedy..." Grace: "And then he says-- Get this-- 'You don't have to get hysterical. You sound just like your mother.'" Will: "If you were on Jerry Springer, that's the minute you jump out of your chair." Will: "Karen, tell Grace she should fire you." Karen: "Grace, tell Will to redirect his anger at his mother where it belongs. Whoops." Will: "Somebody was definitely trying to get in. The doorjamb was messed with." Jack: "Yeah, but the ball cock is ok." Grace: "What? Why did you check the toilet?" Jack: "I didn't. I just like saying it. Heh heh..." Will: "Ow!" Grace: "What?" Will: "Could we talk about your toenails?" Grace: "I'm sorry. I'll cut them." Will: "Don't you need them for tree climbing and warding off predators?" Will: "Ok...nothing. It's nothing. We're fine. Did I just scream like a woman?" Grace: "Don't flatter yourself. You scream like a girl. Will, if there had been someone out there, what would we have done?" Will: "I don't know. Grate some cheese with your toenails and invite them in for quiche? Come on, let's go back to bed." Jack: "Women-can't live with them...End of sentence." Will: "Jack, she's just doing her job. I think that's the first time I used the words 'Jack' and 'job' in the same sentence without 'needs to get a' in between." Grace: "Just FYI. The first 3 letters in assistant spell ass, so please, get off yours." Jack:(Singing)"Touch me in the morning..." Karen: "Honey, I'm busy. Touch yourself." Jack: "What do you think of my glasses? What do they say?" Will: "They say, 'Guys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses.'" Jack:(Pointing at Will)"And guys don't make passes at guys with fat asses. I think they make me look smart." Grace: "He takes pictures of me sleeping. He thinks that's beautiful. To me, it's a little, 'The call is coming from inside the house.'" Jack: "Hello. My name is Will. I have no human emotions. I am made of only wires, metal and fat." Karen: "Hi poodle!" Jack: "Who's your daddy?" Karen: "You are." Karen: "Meats and cheeses! You are rockin' my clock Mary!" Will: "You're not shy around men. You'd hit on the Pope if he drove a better car." Will: "Grace, go to bed. You've obviously had a very busy day of crazy." Will: "And how many times have I told you to keep your animals in your room, doctor do-nothing?" Jack:(Under His Breath)"Ahem. Rhymes with witch." Jack: "Ha ha ha. Hold on, I got a cramp from not laughing." Jack: "Just Jack is dead to me. I'm sick of people coming up to me on the street going, 'Just Jack'." Will: "That's...just your mom." Grace: "Oh! You see, she's not listening to her caddy. He told her the green was fast. I wish I had a caddy. Somebody who'd tell me about the hazards up ahead and carry my stuff." Will: "I think I'm your caddy." Grace: "Oh, yeah! Now go get me a Fruitopia and my 9 iron. No, I'm serious. I'm thirsty, move your ass." Will: "Hey, hey! Don't get catty with the caddy." Will: "And then I'll close with something like... 'And let this be the dawning of a new era, a good feeling between the police department and the gay community' and then applause, applause, applause, and then I guess there'll be a Q & A." Grace: "Ok, I've got a 'Q.' Why am I bored off my 'A'?" Will: "I don't know, but why are you being such a 'B'?" Jack: "I understand. I learned a valuable lesson today. Everyone deserves to be treated with a little respect. Even mean lesbian kite sellers." Gillian: "Wow. That is so soft." Karen: "I know. It's made out of kittens. Ha ha!" Grace: "I don't care what either of you say, I am not a prude." Karen: "Oh, honey. Come on. Come on. I love you like the mother I had committed against her will. But you are Prudence McPrude, the Mayoress of Prudie Town." Grace: "Karen, you are wrong." Karen: "Quack, quack. No, I'm not." Sue: "I'm gonna need some keys or a wallet, something that's very personal to you." Will: "Personal? Ok. Well, since I don't keep my shame in my pocket, my keys will have to do." Will: "I mean, who calls themselves 'Psychic Sue'? It's like me calling myself 'Lawyer Will' or you calling yourself 'Designer Grace' or Jack calling himself 'Jumping Ferret Jack.'" Karen: "Grace, the guy's a loser. The whole office is talking about it. Oh, and am I drunk, or did I just take a whole bottle of whipped cream and go like this: ssshhhhhhhh." [KAREN MAKES A SPRAYING MOTION OVER GRACE'S RUFFLED BLOUSE] Jack: "I feel like nesting. Let's stay home and rent Silkwood." [IMITATING CHER] "I'm a lesbian who's been exposed to nuclear waste, hoh!" Will: "Oh, Jack! Come on! It's not that big a deal. You can stay at your mother's." Jack: [HORRIFIED GASP] "What is that, some type of sick joke?!" Will: "Well, I said get cheese. There's no cheese here." Grace: "You see that stuff right there that looks and smells and tastes like cheese? That's cheese." Will: "Well, yeah, but you can't just put out a few slices. I mean, you got to have a whole wedge." Grace: "Really, Will? 'Cause I just read 'Cheese for Dummies' cover to cover and they never mentioned the wedge." Jack: "Thanks, you're my new best friend. Call me every 10 minutes." Will: "Ok, thank you. Excuse me, this happens to be good for you. (READING LABEL) Oh, my god. It says it also grows breast tissue. You want to give it a try?" Grace: "Ha ha ha ha ha. You know, I thought I knew everything about you, but you're a mystery... wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by enigma, growing boobies." Will: "Oh, you girls are going to have a ball, braiding each other's hair and talking about boys and doing the Cosmo quiz." Jack: "Oh, you mean, like, 'How to tell if your best friend's a bitch?' Yeah, I already took it. You are." Grace: "God, what is he keeping from me? (GASPS) Oh, my god. It's drugs. It's drugs. He's doing drugs. Without me. Not that I do drugs, but I'd like to be asked." Jack: "You know what else he wouldn't tell either of us? If he's sick. (BOTH GASP) He needs a kidney! Oh, my god. He needs a kidney. Not that I would give him a kidney, but I'd like to be asked." Grace: "After dinner, he walked me to the subway. He was talking, I was tuning in and out, and I started doing that thing where you close one eye and he was standing in front of the bench. And I closed the other eye, and he was standing next to the bench. In front of the bench, next to the bench, in front of the bench, next to the bench. He probably thought I was flirting with him." Will: "Yeah. He probably thought you had a neurological disorder." Grace: "I was in Bloomingdale's this morning waiting on line to buy wrinkle cream, and this Jennifer-Love-Michelle-Sarah-Felicity-looking thing...bumps into me and says, 'Excuse me...Ma'am.'" Grace: "I thought I would cook shepherd's pie." Will: "Pray tell, Julia Child, what's in shepherd's pie?" Grace: "Um... Shepherds? ... Sheep? ... Pie?" Will: "Sounds like a crock of sheep to me." Will: "'Repetitious and repetitious,' said the New York Times." WILL: "If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go down to the laundry room. [MOTIONING TO HIS SHIRT] Never gesture emphatically with a taco in your hand." Karen: "Your play stinks." Jack: "It does?! Which pages?" Karen: "Uh, the ones with words on 'em." Grace: "Ugh! I hate clowns. They think they're so funny." Grace: "Ok, ok! You know, Mary Poppins got the same message across, but she did it in a nice little musical number. You're like... you're like a spoonful of whup-ass." Grace: "No, no, no. No, no, no, no. Do not call me a flower. I am not a flower. I am a gardener, damn it. I do plenty of hoeing!" Bobbi: "That's just what a mother likes to hear." MY SO-CALLED LIFE Angela: "This life has been a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go, and what to do." Angela: "My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, 'How was that drive-by shooting?' You don't care how it was. You're lucky to get out alive." Angela: "The cafeteria is the embarrassment capital of the world. It's like a prison movie." Rickie: "If you were about to do it, okay, what would you want the other person to say, like, right before." Rayanne: "'This won't take long.'" Rickie: "No, seriously." Rayanne: "'Don't I know you?'" Rickie: "No, for real, like, like, romantic." Angela: "You're so beautiful, it hurts to look at you." Angela: "If Jordan Catalano is nearby, my whole body knows it. Like one of those dogs that point. I'll keep talking and stuff, but my mind won't even know what I'm saying. I keep wondering if there's a term for this." Angela: "I bet people can actually die of embarrassment. I bet it's been medically proven." Angela: "What I like, dread, is when people who know you in completely different ways end up in the same area. And you have to develop, this like, combination you, on the spot." Rayanne: "I think part of him is partly interested in you. Definitely. I mean, he's got other things on his mind." Angela: "But that's the part that's so unfair. I have nothing else on my mind. How come I have to be the one sitting around analyzing him in like microscopic detail, and he gets to be the one with other things on his mind." Angela: "It's so strange how parents can out of nowhere turn psychic. It's unnerving." Angela: "You know how sometimes the last sentence you said, like, echoes in your brain, and it just keeps sounding stupider and you have to say something else, just to make it stop?" Patty: "Angela, orange juice doesn't grow on trees." Angela: "It sorta does." Angela: "If life was like a giant VCR, our lives would be a lot like a videotape... and we could fast forward past the really bad stuff, and rewind the really good stuff. Except... with my luck, I'd probably lose the remote and get stuck at like, Cheerleader Day in the cafeteria." Angela: "What's amazing is when you can feel your life going somewhere. Like your life just figured out how to get good. Like that second." THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN "The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves."-David Letterman "Paula Jones is desperate to win some legal suit, so early today, she went to McDonald's and poured hot coffee in her lap."-David Letterman "I'm lucky if I can get one of our interns to work the copy machine."-David Letterman commenting on the presidential sex scandal "Here's what Dick Cheney brings to the ticket- experience, steadiness, and foreign-policy skills...And I'm thinking, What the hell is Bush bringing? Beer?"-David Letterman "Warren Beatty is running for President. Ken Starr heard the news and started to unpack."-David Letterman LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN "Pillsbury has been accused of trying to make the Pillsbury Doughboy appeal more to ethnic groups by making him look darker in recent commercials. Not only that, instead of giggling when you touch his stomach he says, 'You want a piece of me, cracker?'"-Conan O'Brien "Today in Florida, thousands of ballots were driven from Palm Beach County all the way up to the state capitol in Tallahassee. You can tell it was a Florida driver because for the entire 450 miles, the truck had its right blinker on."-Conan O'Brien "It was reported today that Kathie Lee Gifford will be performing a concert this fall outside the 'Today' show studios. It's all part of her nationwide 'The Thing That Won't Go Away' tour."-Conan O'Brien "Yesterday, Al Gore said that Syrian President Hafez Assad should be held responsible if Israel's withdrawl from south Lebanon sparks new violence because Assad controls the actions of the Hizballah guerrillas. When asked his opinion on this issue, George W. Bush said, 'My brain hurts,' and then ran away."-Conan O'Brien "Britney Spears admitted she is going out with Justin Timberlake from 'N Sync, and Britney said that when she and Justin are together in a room, they're so comfortable that they don't need to talk. Apparently, they both just sit there and stare at her boobs."-Conan O'Brien SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE "NBC will spend $13 million an episode for the hospital drama 'ER.' Meanwhile, on the set of 'Chicago Hope' the cast is anxiously awaiting the arrival of their new soda machine."-Colin Quinn "Attorney General Janet Reno charged Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the Internet and has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per day. Analysts say that at this rate, Bill Gates will be broke just 10 years after the earth crashes into the sun."-Norm Macdonald "Tom Brokaw, appearing on the 'Today' show this week, upset viewers and homeless advocates when he said that he envied the extra sleep homeless people get. Brokaw later apologized for the insensitive comment, saying he was just bitter because they get all the good shopping carts."-Colin Quinn "The London Sun is reporting that before the end of the year the remaining Beatles will release a new song using previously recorded vocals by John Lennon. The song, called 'We're Not Home Right Now, Leave a Message After the Beep,' will be out in June."-Colin Quinn on 'SNL' "At a press conference yesterday, George W. Bush announced that he has already picked his chief of staff, his secretary of state, and his infected boil."-Jimmy Fallon on 'SNL' THE DAILY SHOW "The highly anticipated Pokemon film opens tomorrow and is called 'Pokemon: The First Movie.' The title is, depending on your age, either a promise or a threat."-Jon Stewart on 'The Daily Show' "Celine Dion told the audience she'll be taking a year off, which she's been telling audiences for two years now. Celine, how can we miss you if you never leave?"-Beth Littleford on 'The Daily Show' "The Makah killed a juvenile gray whale, described as juvenile because of the creature's own snickering references to his blowhole."-Jon Stewart, detailing a Native American ceremonial sea hunt, on 'The Daily Show' "Calling our coverage 'Indecision 2000' was a lighthearted jab... We had no idea that the people were going to run with that."-Jon Stewart on 'The Daily Show' BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER Oz: "Mi Casio es su Casio." FAMILY GUY Bookstore Clerk: "'Everybody Poops' is still the standard, of course. We've also got the less popular 'Nobody Poops but You.'" Peter: "Well Lois I tried finding my creativity like you said, first I took an art class... Am..Am I supposed to draw the penis? Then I tried sculpting... Am..Am I supposed to sculpt the penis? Then I tried music... Am..Am I supposed to conduct with my penis? I was starting to think there was nothing that I would be good at, but then I realised that this is it. Lois my penis belongs on stage." Quagmire: "Whats going on, I was just jerk...ed out a deep sleep." NEWSRADIO Jimmy James: "I couldn't have more lawyers lined up at my door if I were leaking tobacco from my breast implants." Jimmy James: "The kid's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack-smoking porn freak." Beth: "No, my parents let me watch The Wizard of Oz when I was five years old, and it gave me nightmares for years." Dave: "Oh, right the wicked witch." Beth: "No, Dorothy. For years I was convinced that a house was going to fall out of the sky and crush me and that some farm girl was going to come along and steal my flashy red shoes." IT'S LIKE...YOU KNOW Shrug: "There's no present like the time." Robbie: "We did all the romantic things couples in L.A. do-like fly to New York for the weekend." VARIOUS OTHERS "What can you count on in this world other than the sun's going to come up and every Ally Sheedy movie is going straight to video?"-Ellen DeGeneres, after her parents decide to seperate, on 'Ellen' "I'm smoking and I'm sleeping with Big again. Feel free to delete me from your PalmPilot."-Carrie on 'Sex and the City' "I have nothing to do. I feel like a writer on a movie set."-Josh on 'The West Wing' "When was the last time you took me someplace where we weren't supposed to color the menus."-Debra to Ray, on 'Everybody Loves Raymond' "For the NBA draft, the New Jersey Nets said they're looking for a power forward. The Chicago Bulls need a center. The Clippers say they need 12 players, a coach, a trainer, and about 18,000 fans."-Jay Leno on 'Tonight Show' |
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