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Movie quotes
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Song Lyrics Page 2
TV Quotes
Simpsons Quotes
Various Funny Stuff
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Cars Cars and More Cars
Far Too Much Info About Me
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| Random Quotes |
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| Quotes from my friends, family, celebrites and most importantly, me |
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| "You're so useless! Why are you so useless?!"-Mark, to his nipples Danielle: "My ankel hurts." Kim: "My arm hurts." Mark: "My pride hurts." "Street racers ate my baby!"-Me, hehe "Excuse me! Girl interupted!"-Me, after I was interputed mid-sentence Random Guy in Car: "How you doin'?" Kim: "You wanna buy me a fish sandwich?!" Dave (after Kim and Danielle were pretending to fight): "I've got my money on the skinny blonde one." Kim: "Ohhh! He just called you fat!" Little Mike: "How you doin'?" Kim: "Not as good as you probably." "That was funny, right?"-Dave Dave: "Tell him I'm gonna stick an M-80 to his forehead and light it." Mark: "And then it's gonna explode!" "I'm gonna fuck up her day!"-Kim "Bitch match!"-Mark "Blue Cavaliers are the anti-christ."-Me "Diane squeezed me as if I was a ripe fruit!"-Erin "Boy loses sight in M&M tragedy."-Mark "I always see you throw up the most disgusting things."-Mickey "Then it turns into a big porno with mosquitoes and Jeri."-Mark "I swear to God, the humidity affects my penis!" -Mark "I named my goldfish Silver. I was ironic at 5."-Mark "Penis handle."-Erin "Mmmm... penis handle."-Me "Dirty campfire songs."-Me Erin: (while Mark was peeing) "It sounds like a firehose." Mark: "What makes you think it isn't?" "How dinky is yo wang?"-Kim "Mmmmm... Mark."-Erin "I've heard Mark peeing way too much today."-Erin "We forgot to cut down the shrubbery. Damnit!"-Kim Me: "My stepdad is being a dumb leprachaun." Kim: "Tell him to shut up and eat his Lucky Charms." "Get your potato eatin', car bombin' asses out here right now!"-My dad, waiting impatiently for U2 to take the stage "Rock out with your cock out!"-Mark A kid walking by us at the movies: "I have to pee so bad. My bladder is so small." (Kim, Mark, Danielle and myself erupt into hysterical laughter) The kid: "What are you laughing at?" (This was followed by about a half hour of hysterical laughter) "What the hell?"-Me, after there were suddenly Sour Patch Kids in my face "My straw bit me!"-Danielle "You know what you should do? Kill yourself!"-Mark's response to everything "Mark is big pimpin'!"-Danielle, upon returning to the theater and seeing Mark with his arm around Kim and myself "Mark will be out in a minute. He's laying on Danielle right now."-Daniel "Josh Hartnett is so fucking hot!"-Danielle (hehe, you know this) "There's evil in my VCR."-Kim "Yo B!"-Mark "Eat your trees!"-Katie, trying to make me eat my broccoli stems Danielle: "You should open a bar called The Eatery." Me: "New life goal!" "They don't park hop. They park stay."-Me "Kim, I'm stroking your tassel."-Mark "Everytime I turned my head I got a mouthful of tassel."-Kim "Mark plus Jeff equals trouble."-Danielle Me: "He won't take me out tonight because he said that all the crazies are out on Memorial Day Friday." Aunt Debbie: "Yup, all those crazy veterans." "You have your nerve."-My dad (hehe, holy crap was that funny in the context of this one situation that I don't really feel like going into right now.) Me: "How can he not be able to swim? It's not that hard." Chrissy: "Said the girl who can't drive." "Mom was rocking the mullet!"-Me "J. Lo's a ho like whoah!"-Me "I want a big tiki man so I can sit on his lips."-Danielle Danielle: "Seth Green is wet!" Jeff: "That's because I'm here." "It's like eating random shit you find on the street."-Kim "Damn punkrockers!"-Me and Kim (hehe, you know this) "Fuck Claymont!"-Kim "Make me my car bitch!"-Nikki "I'm gonna climb up that tree so that I can have green stuff coming out of my ass."-Danielle "Come out now! The cops are on their way!"-The evil whore bitch of Forwood "There's a time to lay off the crack and then there's a time to lay off the crack."-Mark "Why be a monogamist when you can be a bygamist?"-Me "Welcome to Maryland! Enjoy your mullet!"-Me "Horray for Schlong!"-Erin, Katie & Kim, yelling that at people on 202 "The body of Christ rocks!"-Me, talking about the communion bread at my church "It is important to my future state of mental health that you do not finish that sentence."-Me My bro: "What's big and red and eats rocks?" Me: "Your mom." My sis: "Ha. Your mom." "Breakin' the law, breakin' the law!"-Random people on the train making fun of their friend for having a much younger girlfriend "Crazy Joe with the briefcase if back and he's stalking me. Help, help, help!"-An N.Y.C. Barnes & Fuckin' Noble employee calling the security guard on her radio (that was insanely funny, but you kinda had to be there) "What's my name bitch?"-Katie, after hitting Mickey in the ass with the sword "The Jeri-Go-Round."-The new name of the Berry-Go-Round courtesy of Kim and Erin "I'm gonna whirl my tilt."-Erin, on the Tilt-a-Whirl "Sexy!"-Nikki, yelling at the Tilt-a-Whirl carnie "Carnie!"-Nikki and Erin, screaming that about 100 times on the Super Sizzler "I feel like hitting something with a stick now. Kim, can I borrow your face?"-Nikki "I'm a carnie whore."-Nikki, after being hit on by every carni at every ride "Whistle at me too!"-Me "God hates little boys!"-Mickey, tormenting a small child on Pharoah's Fury "Did you hear about the pirate movie? It's rated Rrrrrrrrrr."-Jeremy, after finding a random pirate sword on the ground "I'm gonna be sick!"-Mickey and Jeremy, after spinning the berry ride a little too fast "Where's me Lucky Charms?"-My impression of Dave "Oh, I forgot, there's people around."-Mickey, after grabbing Jeremy's truth sign and humping it in front of a long line of people "Have you heard this song? *makes farting noise* It's from a new band called Flatulence."-Jeremy "My ovaries!"-Erin, while riding the Gravitron "My nose is big. Big like a pickle."-Erin, singing The Humpty Dance (dude Erin, you rock!) "I'm gonna ride with all the guys cause I'm the Man's Lady."-Me "Springtime for Hitler and Germany!"-From the play "The Producers" (I can't get that song out of my head!) "Oh my god! That's Ferris Bueller!"-Me, about 100 times while watching Matthew Broderick on stage Me:"We were so close to him. I could almost reach out and..." My dad: "Hit the person in front of us in the back of the head." For my Park 8 people: River Road, Mt. Pleasant 1 & 2, St. Helena's, Maple Lane, Holy Rosary, Faith Presbyterian Church & IHM "I just walked the entire length of a 30 foot dildo."-Mark, after walking across the snake-like object at Maple Lane "You don't do that!"-Mark, shouting his famous phrase up a tube-like slide "I have T-Top hair."-Me, after getting out of Joe's Camaro "It's purple!"-Danielle, after seeing "Seth Green" in the daylight "Mustang faygele."-Me "Jeri, you're so evil. I'm so proud!"-Kim "I took the box out of the box and put it on top of the other box on the thing. Was that ok?"-Me, making perfect sense "You're so evil!"-Jeremy, talking to his Cradle of Filth cd "Bouncy balls!"-Danielle, having fun with toys in the grocery store "He is my latin lover!"-Me, talking about...you know who Me: "Don't mess with British people, we'll kick your ass!" Amanda: "British people can't kick anybody's ass." Me: "Oh yeah, well...we'll give you Mad Cow disease." "Oh my god! Ranch House is closed!"-Kim Here's a list for my Park 7 people: Forwood, St. Helena's, Mount Pleasant 1 & 2, Maple Lane, River Road & United Presbyterian Kim: "Fuckin' A." Danielle: "No thanks, I don't do courtesy." Kim: "I said 'Fuckin A' not 'Fuckin Your A.'" "Coin sandwich."-Danielle "Kim is the woman. If she were a man she would be the man."-Jeremy, singing to Kim "I like the way you think."-Kim "Franklin Fuckin' Mint."-Me, everytime we drive past the Mint on the way to the mall "This dude's a beast!"-Two 12 year olds, talking about Jeremy "Commie bastards!"-Our new phrase "I wish I had a camera. I wish I knew how to paint. If I could paint, that would be my fuckin' picture."-Kim, while looking at the moon "I do not like green eggs and ham."-Danielle, reading to me and Kim and Barnes & Fuckin' Noble "So hump the jump."-Me, butchering the words to a Dr. Seuss book "Kim had her magnet and ate it too."-Me, after Kim licked the ice cream off her magnet "Your other left!"-Me, after Kim turned right when I told her to turn left "Ahhhh! A van!"-Kim "Jeff. P-A-G-E-R. Jeff."-Jeff, spelling his name "I'm kicking you both off the magic carpet!"-Kim, to me and Danielle "He is? Do you want me to kidnap him for you?"-Carrie, after I told her Benicio was in Oregon "Niiiiiice."-Katie "Moment of silence... ok."-Danielle, after we drove past a hot looking Camaro "It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine."-Me, upon seeing a '71 TransAm Ram Air IV with blue leather interior "I have... Shit!... and... Shit!... and... Fuck!"-Me, trying to tell a story, but I kept dropping stuff and getting angry. "Go away!!!!"-Me, everytime the phone rings at work "Oh I'm sorry, but Mustang gay!"-My mom, after we passed a peach colored mustang with a cream top "Mmmm... mustang... I mean... ice cream!"-Me, being a moron "This is the ladies couch."-Me, while watching Ladies Man with Alouicious and Kabaziey "That fuckin' mailbox has been broken since I was a fetus."-Me, yelling at the broken mailbox in Claymont Pizza Guy: "Where are you from?" MomMom: "England." Pizza Guy: "Where's that? In Pennsville?" "That really chaps my ass!"-Marlane "He's really handsome... for a monster."-Marlane, talking about you know who Kim: "Jeri, tell Katie to stop making fun of my dog." (At this point I am unable to speak due to a mouth full of food.) Me: (About 2 minutes later) "Katie, stop making fun of Kim's dog." "Jeri, you're the poo! So take a big wiff... of yourself."-Alouicious, hehe "Oh no. Are we gonna have to throw a body off a dock and make a pact."-Mark, after Kim hit an unknown object on Shipley Road "My mom owns both your moms!"-Me, to Kim and Katie "Yeah, well my mom owns your mom and your dad!"-Kim, in response to me "Fuck pedestrians!"-Kim, after deciding not to yield to pedestrians outside of Friendly's "I got crabs from Dirty Dicks Crabhouse."-A bumper sticker I saw on someone's car at the mall... that so fuckin' rocks! "I have a french fry down my pants!"-Katie, after a french fry free-for-all at Ranch House "He's sitting on that median like he's king of the median."-Me, in response to a guy who had his car completly up on the median on 202 "Your mom!"-All of my friends' responses to anything "I want a limestone penis!"-Katie "Your mom does not own my mom!"-Kim "This is our new friend Law-Abiding Kim."-Me "Goat Cheese Sting Cheese String Cheese."-Me "Head Cheese Sting Cheese String Cheese."-Kim "Blue Cheese Sting Cheese String Cheese."-Katie "You could almost see her chesticles."-Kim "There needs to be Jesus Bread."-Me "Sting Cheese String Cheese."-Me "Katie, I'm gonna shove that clock up your ass!"-Kim Me: "We can make the little Blair Witch stick figures and put them all around the couch." Katie: "I've got breadsticks we can use... or carrots... or string cheese." "I'm scared of Nicole's hair."-Katie's little brother "Plasticey goodness."-Me "Mmmmmm... floor."-Me, after I fell on my face "Do not mess with me. I am the all-knowing merciless god of your universe."-Me "He looks questionable. If you brought him in here he'd probably steal something. Not because he can't afford it, but because he just generally kinda shady."-Stacy, speaking ill of my main man Benicio "Hey! Don't speak ill of my future ex-husband."-Me, in response it Stacy Customer at work: "What are your hours there?" Stacy: "We're open 10 to 11." Customer: "What time do you close?" "I've been a very bad boy. Do you wanna spank me?"-A customer at work. A creepy middle-aged man actually said that to me. I nearly puked. "BENICIO! B! Not Menicio."-Me, to my mom after she severely mispronounced the name of one of my favorite actors "I am... I am just... I am just so fuckin' stupid."-My mom, after she accidentially turned on the computer thinking that she was really turning it off "He's not cute. He's fugly. He's very fugly. You have weird tastes child."-Amanda, speaking ill of my man Benicio "You're out of order! You're out of order! This whole vending unit's out of order!-Me, changing around the words to Pacino's famous lines in order to yell at a vending machine "Bastards."-Carrie, talking about the delay of the Golden Globes in her state "Okaley dokaley, that's a good SAT word."-Brandon, making fun of Rooney "There needs to be a Mullet sticker there."-Kim "Merry Christmas!"-Jeremy, not using the generic 'Surprise' at Danielle's surprise party "This looks like a bad porno movie."-Jeff, commenting on the Smackdown-esqe inter-gender wrestling going on at the party "My grandfather really is a Polish-born Jew."-Nicole "It costs to damn much."-Damien, in response to an anti-smoking add asking 'What's your reason for not smoking?' "Where have I heard this song before?"-My mom, listening to really bad Kenny G music "In an elevator?"-Me, responding with a smart-ass answer as usual "In Mandarin Chinese, with German subtitles!"-Me "Shit! I mean... shoot. No, no, I meant shit."-Me, failing to cut back on the swearing "He smelled like a French whore house."-Shithead "Oleander... Oleander!!!!!"-Me "Come on people, the sign says walk, not stroll. Let's move, move, move!"-Me, yelling at slow people in Manhattan "This is the hellbound train. Headed due south."-My dad (don't even ask) "You don't have tissues in your purse? They could kick you out of the women's union for that."-My dad "Oh my God! They have a HoJo's in Times Square! I must eat there."-Me Jeremy: "Nicole's hair's like whoah!" Nicole: "No, my hair's like weeeeee!" Jeremy: "Nicole's laugh's like whoah!" "Oh my God!"-Danielle, before lifting up her shirt to flash someone "Jeri's a British born Jersian."-Katie "I'm gonna go caress... I mean harass Diane."-Jeremy "Polish girl!"-Jeremy, after Nicole jumped on him "PA is good! There's Philly... and me... and Penn State... and me."-Kelly "Throw her in the tree!"-Me, as Danielle and Kim were fighting Christine: "Oh my God! Jeri's... trendy!!" Kim: "My eyes!!!!" "Slang for white people... and you can eat it."-Me, trying to get my team to guess "cracker" during a game of Taboo "Look, a big blue ball."-Spittel "Here, hold my nuts. Get the salt off 'em."-Shithead "Stop bothering me. Go over there and play with your nuts."-Amanda "The Whooooooooooo!!!!!!!"-Me, about 100 times during the Feastival "Damn potheads!"-Me "He's making sweet love to that microphone."-Kim "Look, we have our own elevators!"-Kim "Oh my god, we can get our shoes shined!"-Me "God bless Fuel!"-Kim "I can't stop smiling. I look like a slept with a hanger in my mouth."-Me "It could be worse. The stitches could be in the middle of your forehead."-My mom making reference to Dave's unfortunate accident (tee hee) "We could so spit on people from up here."-Me, up in the cove at Sallies "Oh no, the Christmas tree's moving again!"-Diane "'If I Had A Hammer,' that's my theme-song."-Me "Ummm... There's a bug in my milk."-Mary "Your computer's Jewish."-Jeremy "Why can't you drive that fast?"-Marlane, yelling at stampeeding senior citizens in Iceland "No, I don't smoke crack. Why do you ask?"-My mom, after being an idiot "PENIS?!?!?!?!?!?!"-Mike "The horn blows, does the driver?"-Mike "He's not here? Hit him for me."-Our favorite waitress at HoJo's "What, just Elaine and Jerry tonight?"-Kim's mom, after hearing that just me and Kim were going to HoJo's "She needs to get a dollar and buy a clue."-Me, talking about a certain stalker "Mr. McNulty can suck my balls."-Jon, as Mr. McNulty was standing right behind him "Oops. I dropped it."-Jeremy, after he threw his lollipop at Nicole "What? Don't Polocks have washers?"-Jeremy "Frank Peener."-Me being a moron, as usual "Cause I want to live, like cannonballs!"-Lydia "Rubbing bulls ass on your face."-Me "Kim!"-Mike's foot "Your dad's a... goddamn door!"-Mike yelling at the door on his quality vehicle "I'm not a smart ass. I'm a dumb ass."-Me "She's a ladies-man."-Kim "Fuckin' ice cream truck!"-My mom "You are a peener man liking, gavin stalking, sugar high getting, zebra cake eating, purple turning, floor sliding, couch snoting, doug luvin fooo!"- A shorter censored version of what Marissa wrote in my yearbook in 8th grade (it still makes me laugh every time I read it) "Hey Paul, gotta nickle?"-Lydia, to Paul, every single day at lunch "Champu y harbon."-Me and Brandon, saying that to random people, including each other, about 100 times a day in 10th grade "THE WHO!!!!!!"-Some drunk guy at The Who concert "Fuckin' Q!"-Mike "I like the one where she dies. Oh wait, that's the movie I wrote. It hasn't come out yet."-Bill, talking about Barbra Streisand movies "I really feel that if there are any more pictures of me anywhere, people are going to kill themselves."-Gwyneth Paltrow "I've heard she says that we laughed at her while she was leaving the audition, but that's not true. We waited til she was way out in the parking lot."-Kevin Smith on Jenny McCarthy's audition for 'Mallrats' "Actually, I could have a degree. I'm short only three- what do you call those?- years."-Drew Carey, accepting an honarary doctorate at Cleveland State University "When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right"-The title to Fiona Apple's second album |
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