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| GOOD WILL HUNTING (Okay, to me this is pretty damn funny and if you went to SJHS with me I've probably already made you read this about 100 times. Everyone I showed this to laughed their ass off, so at least I know I'm not the only one with a sick sense of humor. This was cut from the final version of the movie, but you can see it on the special edition DVD.) Chuckie: "Oh my God, I got the most fucked-up thing I been meanin' to tell you." All: "Oh Jesus. Here we go." Chuckie: "You guys know my cousin Mikey Sullivan?" All: "Yeah" Chuckie: "Well you know how he loves animals, right? Anyway, last week he's drivin' home..." (laughs) All: "What? Come on!" Chuckie: (trying not to laugh) "I'm sorry, 'cause you know Mikey, the fuckin' guy loves animals, and this is the last person you'd want this to happen to." Will: "Chuckie, what the fuck happened?" Chuckie: "Okay. He's drivin' along and this fuckin' cat jumps in front of his car, and so he hits this cat..." (he is really laughing now) Morgan: "That isn't funny." Chuckie: "... and he's like, 'Shit! Motherfucker!' And he looks in his rearview and sees this cat. I'm sorry..." (laughing) Billy: "Chuckie!" Chuckie: "So he sees this cat tryin' to make it across the street, and it's not lookin' so good." Will: "It's walkin' pretty slow at this point." Morgan: "You guys are sick." Chuckie: "So Mikey's like, 'I gotta put this thing out of its misery.' So he gets a hammer..." All: "OH!!!!" Chuckie: "... out of his tool box and starts chasin' the cat and starts whackin' it with the hammer. You know, tryin' to put the thing out of its misery." Morgan: "Jesus." Chuckie: "And all the time he's apologizin' to the cat, goin' 'I'm sorry.' BANG! 'I'm sorry.' BANG!" Billy: "Like it can understand." Chuckie: "And this Samoan guy comes runnin' out of his house and he's like, 'What the fuck are you doing to my cat?!' Mikey's like, 'I'm sorry'-BANG-'I hit your cat with my truck, and I'm just trying to put it out of its misery'-BANG! And the cat dies. So Mikey's like, 'Why don't you come look at the front of my truck.' 'Cause the other guy's all flipped out about..." Will: "Watching his cat get brained." Chuckie: "Yeah, so he's like, 'Check the front of my truck, I can prove I hit it 'cause there's probably some blood or something.'" Will: "Or a tail." Morgan: "WILL!" Chuckie: "And so they go around to the front of his truck... and there's another cat on the grille." All: "No! Ugh!" Chuckie: "Is that unbelievable? He brained an innocent cat!" Chuckie: "All right Morgan, fine. I'll tell you why we're not goin' to Kelly's. IT's because the take-out girl is an idiot. I'm sorry you like her, but she's dumb as a post, and she has never got our order right, never once." Morgan: "She's not stupid." Will: "She's sharp as a marble." (They pull out of the drive-through at Kelly's and Chuckie is handing out their food in the car.) Morgan: "Double Burger." Morgan: "Double Burger." Morgan: "I... I had a Double Burger." Chuckie: "Would you shut the fuck up! I know what you ordered, I was there." Morgan: "So why don't you give me my sandwich?" Chuckie: "What do you mean, your sandwich? I bought it." Morgan: "Yah, all right..." Chuckie: "How much money you got?" Morgan: "I told you, I just got change." Chuckie: "Well give me your change and we'll put your sandwich on layaway." Morgan: "Why you gotta be an asshole, Chuckie?" Chuckie: "I think you should establish a good line of credit." Chuckie: "Oh motherfucker..." Will: "She didn't do it again, did she?" Chuckie: "Jesus Christ. Not even close." Morgan: "Did she get my Double Burger?" Chuckie: "NO SHE DIDN'T GET YOUR DOUBLE BURGER!! IT'S ALL FUCKIN' FLYIN' FISH FILLET!! Will: "Jesus, that's really bad. Did anyone even order a Flyin' Fish?" Chuckie: "No, and we got four of 'em." Billy: You gotta be kiddin' me. Why do we even go to her?" Chuckie: "'Cause Morgan's got a crush on her, we always go there, and when we get to the window he never says a fuckin' word to her, he never even gets out of the car, and she never gets our order right cause she's the goddamn MISSING LINK!" Will: "Well, she outdid herself today..." Will: "I got fired." Morgan: "How fuckin' retarded do you have to be to get shitcanned from that job? How hard is it to push a fuckin' broom?" Chuckie: "You got fired from pushin' a broom, you little bitch." Morgan: "Yah, that was different. Management was restructrin'." Billy: "Yah, restructurin' the number of retards they had workin' for them." Chuckie: "Who'd you call?" Will: "No one. I didn't have the number." Morgan: "What are you, retarded? You went all the way out there in the rain and you didn't have the number?" Will: "No, it was your mother's nine hundred number. I just ran out of quarters." Morgan: "Why don't we get off mothers-I just got off yours." Billy: "You're a pretty funny guy. Here, have a nickel." Sean: If I asked you about art you could give me the skinny on every art book ever written... Michelangelo? You know a lot about him I bet. Life's work, criticisms, political aspirations. But you couldn't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. And if I asked you about women I'm sure you could give me a syllabus of your personal favorites, and maybe you've been laid a few times, too. But you couldn't tell me how it feels to wake up next to a woman and be truly happy. If I asked you about war you could refer me to a bevy of fictional and nonfictional material, but you've never been in one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap and watched him draw his last breath, looking to you for help. And if I asked you about love I'd get a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been truly vulnerable. Known that someone could kill you with a look. That someone could rescue you from your grief. That God had put an angel on earth just for you. And you wouldn't know how it felt to be her angel. To have the love to be there for her forever. Through anything, through cancer. You wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand and not leaving because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term visiting hours didn't apply to you. And you wouldn't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself, and you've never dared to love anything that much." Sean: "My wife's been dead two years, Will. And when I think about her, those are the things I think about most. Little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about most. Little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. Those made her my wife. And she had the goods on me too. Little things I do out of habit. People call these things imperfections, Will. It's just who we are. And we get to choose who we're going to let into our own weird little worlds. You're not perfect. And let me save you the suspense, this girl you met isn't, either. The question is whether or not you're perfect for each other. You can know everything in the world, but the only way you're findin' that one out is by giving it a shot. You sure won't get the answer from an old fucker like me. And even if I did know, I wouldn't tell you." Will: "What do I want a way outta here for? I want to live here for the rest of my life. I want to be your nextdoor neighbor. I want to take our kids to Little League together up Foley Field." Chuckie: "Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way, but in twenty years, if you're livin' next door to me, comin' over, watching the Patriots' game and still workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill you. And that's not a threat; that's a fact. I'll fuckin' kill you." Will: "Chuckie, what are you talkin'..." Chuckie: "Listen, you got something that none of us have." Will: "Why is it always this? I owe it to myself? What if I don't want to?" Chuckie: "Fuck you. You owe it to me. Tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be fifty and I'll still be doin' this. And that's all right 'cause I'm gonna make a run at it. But you, you're sittin' on a winning lottery ticket and you're too much of a pussy to cash it in. And that's bullshit 'cause I'd do anything to have what you got! And so would any of these guys. It'd be a fuckin' insult to us if you're still here in twenty years." Will: "You don't know that." Chuckie: "Let me tell you what I do know. Every day I come by to pick you up, and we go out drinkin' or whatever and we have a few laughs. But you know what the best part of my day is? The ten seconds before I knock on the door, 'cause I let myself think I might get there, and you'd be gone. I'd knock on the door and you wouldn't be there. You just left. Now, I don't know much. But I do know that." Happy Gilmore Shooter McGavin: "You're in big trouble, lil pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast." Happy Gilmore: "You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?" Shooter McGavin: "...No." Happy Gilmore: "Son of a bitch ball! Why didn't you just go home! That's your home! Are you too good for your home? Answer me! Suck my white ass ball!" Shooter McGavin: "Just stay out of my way. You'll pay. Listen to what I say." Happy Gilmore: "How about I go eat some hay? I can make things out of clay and lay by the bay. I just may. What do ya say?" Wedding Singer Robbie Hart: "Alright, remember. Alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals noboby likes you." Robbie: "Oh, I don't think anybody could puke more than that kid. I think I saw a boot come out of him." Andy: "Oh shit, I got water all over myself." Robbie: "You know what's funny, some of us will never find true love. Like take for instance me, and I'm pretty sure that guy right there, and that lady with the sideburns, and basically everybody at table nine." Tyler: "Everybody has been saying that." Robbie: "Everybody? You're eight years old you only know your parents. What are you talking about?" Glen's Buddy: "Oh man, I heard what happened to you at your wedding. That was so cold. You must have felt like shit." Robbie: "No, It felt really good. Thanks for bringing it up man. You know my parents died when I was ten, would you like to talk about that?" Breakfast Club Claire: "You're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong so you just have to dump all over it." Bender: "Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes now would it?" Claire: "You wouldn't know. You don't know any of us." Bender: "Well, I don't know any lepers either but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their fuckin' clubs." Bender: "Excuse me a sec. What are you babbling about?" Bender: "How come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, IT'LL BE ANARCHY!" Bender: "PB & J with the crusts cut off. Well Brian, this is a very nutricious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?" Brian: "No, Mr. Johnson." Vernon: "What if your home, what if your family, what if your dope was on fire?" Bender: "Impossible, sir. Its in Johnson's underwear." Bender: "Uh, Dick? Excuse me, Rich...will milk be made available to us?" Vernon: "Ah, ah, ah grab some wood there, bub!" Bender: "Claire...you wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitus of the nuts? It's pretty tasty." Claire: "No thank you." Bender: "How do you think he rides a bike? Oh, Claire...would you ever consider dating a guy like this?" Claire: "Can't you just leave me alone?" Bender: "I mean if he had a great personality and was a good dancer and had a cool car...Although you'd probably have to ride in the back seat 'cause his nuts would ride shotgun." Bender: "B-O-O-H-O-O!" Vernon: "What was that ruckus?" Andrew: "Uh, what ruckus?" Vernon: "I was just in my office and I heard a ruckus!" Brian: "Could you describe the ruckus, sir?" Allison: "When you grow up, your heart dies." Bender: "Who cares?" Allison: "I care." Bender: "Don't you ever talk about my friends! You don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends so you just stick to the things you know, shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW and your poor--rich--drunk mother in the Caribbean! And as far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways at school, you can forget it! 'Cause it's never gonna happen! Just bury your head in the sand...and wait for your fuckin' prom!" Claire: "I hate you!" Bender: "Yeah? Good!" American Beauty Lester: "Janie's a pretty typical teenager. Angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass... But I don't want to lie to her." Carolyn: "Jane. Honey. Are you trying to look unattractive?" Jane: "Yes." Carolyn: "Well, congratulations. You've succeeded admirably." Lester: "So Janie, how was school?" Jane: "It was okay." Lester: "Just okay?" Jane: "No, Dad. It was spec-tac-ular." Lester: "Oh, what, you're mother-of-the-year? You treat her like an employee." Lester: "Oh, we've met before, actually. This thing last year. Or the Christmas thing at the Sheraton... It's okay. I wouldn't remember me either." Carolyn: "Honey. Don't be weird." Lester: "All right, honey. I won't be weird. I'll be whatever you want me to be."- Jane: "I think I'm going to walk home." Angela: "What? Jane, that's like, almost a mile." Ricky: "When you see something like that, it's like God is looking right at you, just for a second. And if you're careful, you can look right back." Jane: "And what do you see?" Ricky: "Beauty." Ricky: "It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing. And there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it, right? And this bag was just... dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. That's the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid. Ever. Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it... and my heart is going to cave in." Carolyn: "Lester. You're going to spill beer on the couch." Lester: "So what? It's just a couch." Carolyn: "This is a four thousand dollar sofa upholstered in Italian silk. This is not 'just a couch'." Lester: "It's just a couch! This isn't life. This is just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts." And now...the best dialogue from this movie, or any other movie for that matter. Lester: "Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... You will someday." Jerry Maguire Jerry: "Wow! That's more than a dress...it's a Audrey Hepburn movie." Kid: "Excuse me..." Rod: "Hey, what's happening?" Kid: "Are you Hootie?" Rod: "No...I am not Hootie. Mofo." Tyson: "Go mofo!" Marcee: "Uh-uh. Come here, come here. Why don't you be the first man in your family not to use that word, then we'll let you live." Rod: "To hear you say that, makes me love you baby!" Jerry: "He said I don't know what it's like to be a black person? I'm Mr. black people." Jerry: "Yes, jump right into my nightmare, the water is warm." Bob Sugar: "It's not show friends, it's show business." Ferris Bueller's Day Off Edward Rooney: "He jeopardizes my ability to effictively govern this student body." Grace: "He makes you look like an ass is what he does, Ed." Cameron: "When Cameron was in Egypt's land. Let my Cameron go." Ferris: "I have a test on European socialism. I mean, really. What's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So, who gives a crap if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists and it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car." Ferris: "Not that I condone fascism. Or any 'isms' for that matter. 'Isms,' in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an 'ism.' He should believe in himself. To quote John Lennon, 'I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.' A good point there. Afterall, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus and I'd still have to bum rides off people." Cameron: "Why'd you hit me?!" Ferris: "Where's your brain?!" Cameron: "Why'd you hit me?!" Ferris: "Where's your brain?!" Cameron: "Why'd you hit me?!" Ferris: "Where's your brain?!" Cameron: "I asked you first." Ferris: "I didn't hit you. I lightly slapped you." Cameron: "He knows the mileage Ferris. He has it tattooed on his wrist." Ferris: "What's he doing?" Sloane: "Licking the glass and making obscene gestures with his hands." This line isn't in the movie, but it's in the original script and it's so good I just had to include it on here. Ferris: "I hope my kids don't pull this crap on me. Of course, if they didn't, they'd be dumb and abnormal and they'd probably never move out of my house and I'd have to support them until I die. I take it back." Dumb & Dumber Lloyd: "Wait, I think I just...Yeah, I just had an idea." Sea Bass: "Are you going to eat that?" Harry: "What that? No, yes, no, well, no, it, uhh, crossed my mind, yeah." Lloyd: "We got no food, we got no jobs, our pets heads are fallin' off!" Harry: "Yeah, I called her up. She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her enough or something. I don't know I wasn't really paying attention." Motorcycle Cop: "Pullover!" Harry: "No, it's a cardigan but thanks for noticing!" Lloyd: "What is the soup de jour?" Waitress: "It's the soup of the day." Lloyd: "...Mmmm, that sounds good, I'll have that." Pulp Fiction Jules: "I think her biggest deal was she starred in a pilot." Vincent: "What's a pilot?" Jules: "Well, you know the shows on TV?" Vincent: "I don't watch TV." Jules: "Yes, but you're aware that there's an invention called television and on that invention they show shows?" Jules: "Check out the big brain on Brett!" Jules: "What country you from?" Brett: "What?" Jules: "'What' ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in 'What'?" Vincent: "If you'll excuse me, I gotta go home and have a heart attack." Mia: "It was show about a team of female secret agents called 'Fox Force Five'." Vincent:"What?" Mia: "'Fox Force Five'." Fox, as in we're a bunch of foxy chicks. Force, as in we're a force to be reckoned with. Five, as in there's one..two..three..four..five of us." Mia: "Don't you hate that?" Vincent: "What?" Mia: "Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?" Vincent: "I don't know." Mia: "That's when you know you found somebody special. When you can just shut up for a minute, and comfortably share a silence." MAGNOLIA Narrator: "As reported in the Reno Gazzette, June of 1983 there is the story of a fire, the water that it took to contain the fire, and a scuba diver named Delmer Darion." Narrator: "There are stories of coincidence and chance and intersections and strange things told and which is which and who only knows... and we generally say, 'Well if that was in a movie I wouldn't believe it.'" Phil: "There are frogs falling from the sky." Claudia: "You don't know how stupid I am." Jim: "It's ok." Claudia: "You don't know how crazy I am." Jim: "It's ok." Claudia: "I've got troubles." Jim: "I'll take everything at face value. I'll be a good listener to you." Claudia: "Ohhh I started this, didn't I. Jim: "Say what you want and you'll see." Claudia: "Wanna kiss me Jim?" Jim: "Yes I do." |
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