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Movie quotes
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Song Lyrics Page 2
TV Quotes
Simpsons Quotes
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Cars Cars and More Cars
Far Too Much Info About Me
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| And yet even more of my favorite quotes from my favorite shows |
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| THAT '70s SHOW Kids: "Trick-or-treat!" Kitty: "Oh, you look so cute in your little costumes!" (Red and Frank jump in the doorway and shriek. The kids run away, scared.) Red: "Damn, Frank, that’s funny! Look, he lost his candy!" Jackie: "Hey, you guys, you know what? My church is doing a haunted house." Donna: "I really don’t think anyone’s gonna be scared by a bunch of Episcopalians." Kelso: "Unless they have chainsaws! Let’s go see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre!" Jackie: "Michael, I told you! I don’t like Texans!" Eric: "I know! Uh, we can go to Old Maine." Donna: "Our old grammar school?" Eric: "Yeah, sure, you know, a dark, burnt out, boarded up school, very creepy? We could, you know, we could tell ghost stories." Donna: "Hey, why’d they burn down the school, anyway?" Jackie: "Oh, they said it was arson." (Everyone in the room looks in Hyde’s direction.) Hyde: "What? I was out of town that week." Jackie: "Hm. How convenient." Fez: "Trick-or-treat!" (The person dumps an apple into Fez’s bag.) Fez: "An apple? Where’s my candy, you son of a bitch?" Jackie: (While watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre) "Why doesn’t anyone just shoot him? I mean it’s Texas; everyone has a gun." Hyde: "Wait a minute. You’re eighteen?" Kelso: "Yeah. I mean, that’s why I’ve always seemed more mature than you guys." Hyde: "Are you telling me that all this time you could’ve been buying us beer?" Fez: (Backing away from him) "You bastard!" Kelso: "What-no! No, it’s not what you think!" Hyde: "You’re dead to me." Kelso: "There’s this new club that opened in Chicago. It’s supposed to be like, like, the hottest spot this side of Studio 54." Donna: "My god, you guys, that’s perfect!" Jackie: "No, no, no, Michael, we can’t go. My parents are gonna be out late tonight, and…we have to study." (She stares at him, hoping he’ll get the hint.) Kelso: "Study? No, what a gyp! I’m going to the club." Jackie: "No! No, no, Michael, you’re coming over to my house tonight. And we’re gonna...'study'." Kelso: "Fine! God. I never get to do anything fun." Hyde: "God, you’re dumb." Kelso: "I guess that’s why I gotta go study." Red: "It's not about the money, son. It's about the rules. And without the rules we might as well all be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other." Eric: "Uh, ok." Eric: "It's not so bad here, man! We got the TV, and peanut butter, and I got this thing! (He holds up a paddle ball racket with a missing ball.) Well, the ball part rolled under the dryer." Fez: "Hyde, you cannot leave. You gave me my first beer, remember? And then I threw up on that cop?" Hyde: (Laughing) "That was a good time, man." Kelso: "Wait a minute! Back up! Nobody tells me anything. What's the ball doing under the dryer?" Midge: "Is that your Toyota in the drive?" Red: "Yeah, it's mine. I tell ya, the last time I was that close to a Japanese machine it was shooting at me." Kelso: "What happened to your dad's hair?" Donna: "He got a permanent." Kelso: "So that's permanent?" Eric: "You know, I could probably use some gas money." Red: "Yeah, and if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he hops." Pastor: "In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, amen. Please stand for a moment of silent meditation." Kitty: (Thoughts) "Dear God. Thank you so much for helping me quit such a filthy, disgusting, soothing delicious habit, oh god I can't do this, no no! I'm fine! Amen." Bernece: (Thoughts) "Dear God, what's with all the polloks?" Eric: (Thoughts) "Dear God, I don't mean to bother you on your day off, but, I promised to help out with grandma, and I have a term paper due tomorrow, so if you could either, get her to leave early today, or burn down the school tomorrow…I mean, either or! God's choice. It'd really help me out, man. God. Lord. Uh, amen." Red: (Thoughts) "Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Amen. Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah blah blah." Red: "Eric, I love your grandmother very very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her!" Eric: "Hey, would you guys respect me if I worked in the town dump?" Donna: "The town dump? No. Now the state dump..." Red: "Kitty, when I was his age I worked in a slaughter house. It was a good experience. I learned how to use a hammer." Ricky: "First of all, people who work at Fatso Burger are special. Now I know you're looking at me and wondering, 'How do I get where Ricky is?' Well, if you work hard, pay attention, and use the proper finger release technique on the slant cup dispenser, you could be me. Now lets get started. Why do you want a career at Fatso Burger?" (The camera flashes from person to person as they answer the questions.) Eric: "I just think it will be a wonderful experience." Kelso: "My girlfriend's dad owns it." Fez: "I love the uniforms." Hyde: "To unionize the workers, man." Ricky: "Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?" Eric: "Well, I'm a real people person." Hyde: "I don't answer stupid questions." Fez: "I speak Dutch." Kelso: "My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt too." Ricky: "Name something about yourself that you consider to be a weakness." Eric: "I allow people to boss me around." Fez: "I love chocolate." Hyde: "I'm brutally honest...pinhead." Kelso: "Um..." (Leans back in his chair and falls over) Ricky: "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Eric: "Fatso Burger." Fez: "I'm wearing gold chains." Kelso: "Rock star. Uh, no, movie star. No, yeah, rock star." Hyde: "Prison." Fez: "What is disco?" Hyde: "Disco is from hell, ok? And not the cool part of hell with all the murderers, but the lame ass part where the really bad accountants live." (Eric, Fez, Hyde, and Michael are down in the basement getting high.) Hyde: "Ok, I thought about it. And I'm going to the disco! Just on the off chance that they might mix up a little rock'n'roll, man." Kelso: "Yeah? Well, I have something to say. I went to the mall today, and I bought a pair of new shoes, and they're the coolest kicks in the cave!" Eric: "So, no more for Kelso, he's toasted!" Fez: "I would like some toast if you are making some. Or food of any kind would be good. I am starving!" Hyde: "Oh, I read somewhere there are these people in India who fast, man! Yeah! (laughs) And their minds are so advanced, they could actually think themselves to death, man!" Kelso: "Whoa. I hope I'm not doing that right now. My mind's always doing things that I don't even know about!" Eric: "Man, we always think of so many brilliant things down here, but then later I can't remember any of them! I mean, they're brilliant man!" Fez: "Someone go make toast right now." Hyde: "Hey, we should record our conversation, man! Yeah! Then we could play it back and write it down! I'll bet that's how the writers at National Lampoon do it!" Kelso: "Yeah, well, I read somewhere that there's these people in France!" Hyde: "What do they do?" Kelso: "You see, they are incredibly…French!" Eric: "See, that's brilliant, man! I'm getting the tape recorder!" (He goes upstairs) Fez: "Where's my toast, you idiots?" (Cut to Eric in the kitchen. He's got the tape recorder slung over his shoulder and is getting out bread. Red walks in.) Red: "Eric!" Eric: "Yeah, dad." (He turns and looks at his father, and the wall behind him is crawling up and down.) Red: "Listen, I know you need gas money for Saturday night, so if you're willing to do a few extra chores, I'll uh, pay you ten dollars." Eric: (Tries to adjust his eyes, but the wall is still crawling.) "Sure I can do that." Red: "Now, I need you to sweep the garage, clean the leaves out of the gutters, pick up the dry cleaning, and uh, fix that shelf in the pantry. Uh, run that back to me." Eric: "Oh, kay, fix the shelf, sweep the garage, pick up the leaves…" Red: "Dry cleaning." Eric: "Yeah." Red: "The gutters." Eric: "Fix the gutters." Red: "Clean, clean the gutters." Eric: "Clean out the gutters, fix the shelf, sweep the leaves." Red: "The garage." Eric: "Fix the garage." Red: "Sweep it." Eric: "Sweep." Red: "Listen, I'm not gonna pay you ten dollars for nothing!" Eric: "Sweep the garage, pick up the cleaning, clean up the gutters, fix the shelf." Red: "Do that, and you've got yourself gas money." Eric: "Didn't you say something about leaves?" Red: "They're in the gutters." Eric: "Right. Pick 'em up. Clean 'em up! I…gotta make toast." Red: "Hold the light steady. Higher. Higher. Not in my eyes. Do I look like the carburetor?" Eric: "Not, um, not in this light." Fez: "Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?" Edna: (Stops stirring and looks up at Hyde) "Is he kidding?" Hyde: "We can never tell." Edna: "Gee, what a surprise. Lazy, just like your father." Hyde: "No, actually, I'm lazy in a way that's entirely my own." Jackie: "Yeah, well, Daddy works really hard, so he doesn't spend a lot of time with me. But he did promise me a Mustang for my birthday, so I love him." Red: "You know Jackie, I've been a father for a long time, so trust me when I tell you this. The Mustang’s front end is problematic, get yourself a Firebird." Hyde: "Man, Edna's riding me again about being just like my dad, so I just took off." Red: "Didn't your dad take off?" Hyde: "Irony, far out." Kelso: "Autumn is harvest time for the farmer. At dawn, my dad and I were out in the field picking carrots fresh off the trees." BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER Buffy: "What are you doing for Christmas?" Willow: "Being Jewish." Cordelia: "I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness and found you all unconscious... again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're gonna wake up in a coma." Giles: "Wake up in a... Oh, never mind." Xander: "Willow, what are these?" Willow: "They're early admission packets." Xander: "Harvard... Yale... Wesleyan... Some German Polytechnical Institute whose name I, uh... I can't pronounce. Is anyone else intimidated? 'Cause I'm just expecting thin slips of paper with the words 'No Way' written in crayon." Cordelia: "I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan." Oz: "We attack the Mayor with humus." Cordelia: "I stand corrected." Xander: "And I, in the meantime, will help by standing around like an idiot." Xander: "I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good." Giles: "Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?" Willow: "Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?" Xander: "So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?" Buffy: "Xander!" Xander: "I mean, how'd the laying go? No, I don't mean that either." Giles: "Alright, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show." Buffy: "Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm." Giles: "If your identity as the Slayer is revealed it could put you and all those around you in grave danger." Buffy: "Well, in that case I won't wear my button that says, 'I'm the Slayer, ask me how!'" Buffy: "Cordelia, Owen and I would like to be alone right now, and for that to happen, you would have to go somewhere that's away." Buffy: "I can just tell something's wrong. My spider sense is tingling." Giles: "Your... spider sense?" Buffy: "Pop culture reference. Sorry." Xander: "I, I can't! I have my pride! Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this!" Buffy: "When he wakes up tell him... I don't know. Think of something cool, tell him I said it." Xander: "Oh, hey, did you guys hear that Cibo Matto's gonna be at the Bronze tonight?" Willow: "Cibo Matto? They're playing?" Xander: "No, Willow, they're gonna be clog dancing." Willow: "Cibo Matto can clog dance? Oh, sarcasm, right." Buffy: "Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good." Snyder: "There're some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense." Giles: "No, actually that would be one of the five." Devon: "What does a girl have to do to impress you?" Oz: "Well, it involves a feathered boa and a theme to 'A Summer Place'. I can't discuss it here." Willow: "Okay, but do they really stick out?" Xander: "What?" Willow: "Sore thumbs. Do they stick out? I mean, have you ever seen a thumb and gone, 'Wow! That baby is sore!'" Xander: "You have too many thoughts." Xander: "Ooo, gang, did ya hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery, and it's my best day ever!" Xander: "What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark." Willow: "You're not gonna be young forever." Xander: "Yes, but I'll always be stupid. Okay, let's not all rush to disagree." Xander: "Y'know, with that kind of attitude you could've had a bright future as an employee at the DMV." Buffy: "Yeah! They had tools, flashlights, whole nine yards. What does that mean anyway? 'Whole nine yards'? Nine yards of what? Now it's gonna bug me all day." Xander: "Principal Snyder! Great career fair, sir! Really! In fact, I'm so inspired by your leadership, I'm thinking principal school. I wanna walk in your shoes. Not your actual shoes, of course, because you're a tiny person. Not tiny in the small sense, of course. Okay, I'm done now." Giles: "Here comes Buffy. Now remember: discretion is the better part of valor." Xander: "You coulda just said, 'shh!' God, are all you Brits such drama queens?" Cordelia: "Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?" Xander: "I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex." Buffy: "Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want." Xander: "I have a plan: we use me as bait." Buffy: "You mean make Angel come after you?" Xander: "No, I mean chop me into little pieces and stick me on hooks for fish to nibble at 'cause it would be more fun than my life." Buffy: "I'm telling you, something weird is going on." Xander: "Something weird is going on. Isn't that our school motto?" Xander: "You're just a big bucket of funny, Will." Cordelia: "You, you, you. What about me? It's one thing to be dating the lame unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the creature from the Blue Lagoon." Xander: "Black Lagoon. The creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields." WILL & GRACE (yes, more) Grace: "Where are you going?" Will: "To the bathroom." Grace: "Don't touch anything. You know what I mean. It's arranged perfectly in there." Will: "I can't make any promises, Grace. I may have to lift the toilet seat. But I'll make mental note of where it was and put it back exactly as I found it." Nathan: [TO WAITER, BRINGING THE FOOD] "Excuse me, this chicken is in strips. I asked that you cube it. You think you could get it right? I'm here enough. How tough is it to cube a chicken?" Will: "Well, let's see. Chicken times chicken times chicken..." Will: "Yeah. I'm a big game player. One of my favorites is the "Be Nice to Waiters" game. Yeah, if you win, you get to not go to hell." Jack: "So what's cookin', average lookin'?" Grace: "Did you wash your face with ugly soap?" Karen: "I have feelings too, you know." [JACK STARTS LAUGHING.] Karen: "Damn it! I was trying to keep a straight face." Grace: [TO WILL] "Hey...I came as soon as I heard. How you feeling?" Will: "Oh, I'm at death's door. Only the bouncers won't let me in 'cause I don't look cool enough." Jack: "Can you believe what I've been reduced to? I bitch-slapped the law and the law won." Jack: "Kevin Bacon and I had a moment." Will: "Some say 'moment.' Some say 'security incident.'" Will: "Catchy little ditty. Who does that song, the lady who pushes her shopping cart around the airport?" Jack: "Actually, it's a new band called 'Will is Fat.' It's from their new album, Will's Losing His Hair." Will: "Jack... Do you think when you insult me that you could try to be a little more artful, hmm? You bucktoothed fairy?" Karen: "Oh, honey, no! Children have been in there. You're in a pit full of pinkeye." Jack: "Ok, Karen, focus, all right? Here's a little acronym that will help you: C-T-A-P-T-N-T-T-H-A-B-M-T-M. Karen: "Here's a little acronym for you, honey: What the hell are you talking about?" |
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