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A mothers heart
A letter to JimmyWhere Are YouLies Deception & Secrets
But I did not have a girlFinding a wayBeth and Jimmy|
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| Ten Fingers, Ten Toes |
| And All The Right Equipment |
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| When the news came to me that I was pregnant, I had a lot of mixed feelings. I was numb, I was excited and I was confused. I made preperations to go see the father of my baby. I felt that he would share the same feelings that I had. That weekend set a course in time that changed my life forever. When I tried on numeruos times to tell him that I was pregnant, I failed. By that Sunday evening he told me that he was getting married. I never told him that he was going to be a father. I left Ft. Walton Beach that 4th of July weekend and vowed that he would never know and I would take this to the grave with me. I drove home in tears wondering what I was going to do. I knew that my parents had to be told, and knew very well what their reaction would be. Several weeks had passed and I had made my decission that I would keep my child. I could not let go of what came from love. My parents became very livid when they found out about the pregnancy, demanding to know who the father was. I would not relinquish the information and I endured, what seemed like a life time of HELL from them. Abortion became an issue. When all failed on my parents attempts they shamefully sent me to live with my sister in Massachussettes. There I began to prepare for the birth of my child. When my sisters husband decommisioned from the USAF they moved back to Florida, placing me in my parents home, where the turmoil continued. Adoption then became the issue. We fought continuosly. However, I stood my ground. I worked and purchased everything that would be needed for a baby. My best friend, Connie, gave me a baby shower. I tried to make the best out of an impossible situation. I was alone, no support. I kept a journal to try to ease the pain of what I was going through. I wrote to my baby about it's father, about the love that I felt for him, and letters to him about all that was going on. Letters that went undelivered. Sometimes I felt cheated. I had always assumed that having a child was intended to be a happy time, shared by two people. Since I felt that so much had been taken from me during the pregnancy I decided to have natural child birth, because I felt that would have been the only good experience of the entire pregnancy. There was no one there to feel the baby move other than me. No one to hear the heart beat, just me and my baby. I made it clear to Dr. G. Herring that I wanted natural child birth, no drugs. To protect my own interests in this matter I married a very good friend of mine so that my parents would leave me alone. The marriage was to be of convience and for only a short time. On January 19, 1970, I was at Connie's bridal shower when my water broke and I started labor. Connie left her bridal shower to take me to ORANGE MEMORIAL HOSPITAL in Orlando, Florida. Even at this time adoption was out of the question; I WAS NOT GIVING MY BABY AWAY! Alone in the delivery room, just the hospital staff and DR. G. HERRING, I remember the doctor telling me to push that the sholders were comming, I saw the clock on the delivery room wall it was about 1:15 a.m. on January 20, 1970. Within seconds a mask was forceablly placed on my face, I remember saying no and trying to fight it. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hall still uncleaned and soaked with blood. It was early morning. At this time, I estimated it to be 4 to 5 hours after the birth of my child. I did not know the sex, I did not know if my child was healthy,nor did I know if my child was even alive. I requested to see my baby and I was ignored. Every question I asked about the baby was unanswered. I feared that my baby was dead. They finally moved me from the hall into a room with a 14 year old girl who had given birth to a child the night before and placed her child for adoption. I remember her talking about it and that her parents refused to let her keep the baby. She was so young, so angelic, just a baby herself. Everytime I think about all of the circumstances surrounding this period in my life, I remember something else. The young girl that shared my room, that 20th day of January in 1970 could be the mother to a lady here in Mississippi who is searching for her Biological mother. This woman was adopted and the adoption attorney, CARL L THOMPSON, handled both her adoption and the adoption of my child and placed both children in Mississippi. If you know of this woman please contact Beth at tabu70@webtv.net I asked numerous times for my child, still not knowing if I had a boy or girl. When I could not get a responce I went down the hall to find the nursery. The nursery was not there, it was on another floor. After finding the nursery, my baby was not there. I became hysterical. After returning to my room with a social worker I was sedated. That was on the 21st. Still I did not know if I had a boy or girl, or if my precious baby was alright, or even alive. My mother came to see me. Adoption was the only thing on her mind. She demanded that I sign adoption papers. I refused.....I WAS NOT GOING TO GIVE MY CHILD UP! Then an attorney came to my room with adoption papers, I refused once again, I WAS NOT GOING TO GIVE MY BABY UP! After yelling and screaming and threats, the social worker finally brought MY SON to me. I was so happy that I cried. I counted all of his toes and fingers, changed his diaper, then they took him away. They told me that prospective adopted children are not shown in the nursery. And the mother is not allowed to have them. "BUT I WAS NOT GIVING MY CHILD UP" I was again sedated. I named my son JAMES ANDREW and that is who he has been in my heart for 29 years. On the 22nd of January 1970, again they sedated me, drugged and unaware of my actions, the attorney and my mother returned. I signed the papers. Could not read them, was not allowed to read them, was not given the chance. I signed 2 documents. Drugged, not able to make a rational decission, and unaware of what I had done. This was in the late afternoon. I was discharged on the 22nd. And I went home with my arms empty. My precious baby, my Jimmy. The only part I had left of the man that I loved the only sanity that I had left, was gone, with a simple signature. The Adoption Revolution Award  Fighting For Our Rights Awarded April 20,1999
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