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| How did the blonde explain how his helicopter crashed? He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan. Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant? He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer. What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials? Double-dumb. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower? The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds. Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married? The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O! What's the advantage of being married to a blonde? You can park in handicapped zones. What happened to the blonde tap dancer? She slipped off and fell down the drain. How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde? It is the one with the kickstand. What do you call an all-blonde skydiving team? A new version of the Lawn Darts game. Where do you look for blondes' obituaries? Under "Home Improvements." Why did the blonde take his new scarf back to the store? It was too tight. Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows? It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in. Did you hear about the blonde who gave his cat a bath? He still hasn't gotten all the hair off his tongue. How does a psychic refer to a blonde? Light reading. Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that he had a twin brother? He didn't realize he was looking in a mirror. Did you hear about the blonde who never learned to waterski? He couldn't find a lake with a slope. What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A rebel without a clue! Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side? He didn't know where to buy Left Guard! Why couldn't the blonde bob for apples? His sister was using the toilet. A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his window seat? Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday. Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering? The noise gave her a headache. Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? They don't know the route. What did the blonde do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? He turned it over and used the other side. Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio? It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night. Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea? He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams. Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed? He wanted to see what he looked like asleep. How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the blow dryer! Why do blondes have more fun? They are easier to keep amused. What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say? Having a wonderful time. Where am I? Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first. Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? They can't get the bottle into the typewriter. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. How does a blonde hemophiliac treat himself? Acupuncture. Why did the blonde get so excited after he finished the jigsaw puzzle in only six months? Because on the box, it said "From 2-4 years." Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? He missed. What's the difference between a blonde and a tree? The tree knows when it's being cut down. What did the blonde do with her arsehole in the morning? Packed his lunch and sent him to work. How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics? She had it bronzed. What's a blonde's favorite color? A light shade of clear. What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? They both get easier to pick-up with age. Did you hear about the blonde prisoner who was found in his cell with half a dozen bumps on his head? He tried to hang himself with a bungee cord. Hear about the blonde explorer? He bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert. How did the blonde moonwalk? He got naked from the waist down and slid his butt along the floor. Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates? A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him...when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?" He replied, "I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field." Did you hear about the blonde that was arrested for shoplifting shoes from K-Mart? They caught him just as he was hopping out the front door. (U.S. K-Mart marketing note: pairs of shoes are typically sold connected together by a short string.) Did you hear about the blonde who was shopping in Macy's when the power went out? She was trapped for three hours on an escalator. Hear about her?! That was my wife. Incidently, she brought the escalator home with her. (She'll buy anything marked down!) A blonde goes to get her hair cut. The hair stylist cuts for about 30 minutes, hands the blonde a mirror and asks, "How do you like it?" The blonde says, "It's okay, but could you make it just a little longer on the back?" Blonde: I was born in the U.S. Friend: Oh really, what part? Blonde: All of me, silly. A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The professor asked him to tell something of his life. He began, "I think -" The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor. What do a group of blondes have in common? Nothing they can think of. ---- How do you confuse a blonde? You don't have to. They're born that way. How do you confuse a blonde? Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. How does he confuse you back? He comes out and says he did. How do you confuse a blonde? Ask him, "How do you confuse a blonde?" and walk away. However, he will bug you for the answer all day. ---- Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? To keep the refrigerator cold. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes. |
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