Ten, twenty-five, seventeen... What's the differance? - Schools - http://maxpages.com/ibhumor/Top_Ten

TOP TEN USES FOR A CD-ROM
10. Use it as a highball coaster.
9. Make the developer swallow it.
8. Flash messages with it from the top of a hill in your next cowboy movie.
7. Glue it and others like it to a beach ball, and hang it from the ceiling over your disco dance floor.
6. Use it as an ostentatious nose ring.
5. Glue it to your bathroom wall for a shaving mirror.
4. Stick two of them together to make a pair of wacky shades.
3. Duct-tape it to your forehead, and play dentist.
2. Practice skeet shooting with it.
1. Sew a bunch of them together to make a dress for the New Year.

Things You Learn From the Movies:
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Top 25 signs you've already grown up:
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
[the Village Idiot's Note: I expect and hope that none of these apply to any one here, but you never know.]

Wish list for the final Peanuts
1) Charlie Brown kicks the damn football.
2) Peppermint Patty and Marcie come out of the Closet.
3) Lucy finally wises up to the fact that you can charge $150 an hour for Psychiatric advice.
4) The kids tell Snoopy that they're really creeped out by the way he "thinks" at them.
5) Linus finds some book other than the Bible to quote from.
6) Charlie Brown quits as pitcher and focuses on managing. The team declines to pick up Lucy's contract for next season and negotiates a deal to sign Patty when she becomes a free agent.
7) Spike finds a friend who's not a cactus.
8) Woodstock gets a girlfriend named LilithFair.
9) The grown-ups overcome their speech impediments.
10) Hair plugs for Charlie Brown.

Top 10 Things that Sound Dirty at the Office, but Aren't
10. I need to whip it out by 5!
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMMMMM........ I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair... I do all the work while he just sits there.

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving But Aren't
10. "Reach in and grab the giblets."
9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"
8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"
7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"
5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"
4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to holdher down."
3. "It's cool whip time!"
2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"
1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirtsout."

Top Ten Guiness Records No One Wants To Break
10. Longest-Running Show on CBS
9.Least-Jiggy Human
8.Sweatiest Palm
7.Most Freakish Person Named "Michael Jackson"
6.Most Times in "Price Is Right" Audience Without Being Asked to "Come On Down"
5.Greatest Number of Obscene Phone Calls Received From Tom Bosley
4.Most Times Hit In Face By a Goose While Riding A Roller Coaster
3.First Person To Circle Earth in Wet Corduroy
2.Longest-Running Marriage to Dennis Rodman
1.Longest Fingernails (On Someone Who Doesn't Realize Their Fly Is Open)

Top Ten Least Popular Shows On The Discovery Channel
10. "Squirrels -- Satan's Secret Army!"
9. "Mummified!: The Makeup Techniques Of Joan Rivers"
8. "Exploring The Titanic With The Lens Cap On"
7. "When Animals Can't Digest Doritos"
6. "Hector, The Gay Manatee"
5. "The Myth of the Female Orgasm"
4. "Wildflowers of the Antarctic: We Got There, There Weren't Any, But We Made A Show About It Anyway"
3. "Ancient Mysteries: Why Is Dr. Joyce Brothers Famous?"
2. "National Geographic's Stark Naked Fat Guys At The Beach"
1. "Stuff That Was Too Boring For PBS"

Top Ten Song Titles On The Pope's New Album for Mar 23, 1999
10. "Girls Just Want To Be Nuns"
9. "Wind Beneath My Vestments"
8. "Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)"
7. "A Whiter Shade Of Robe"
6. "Exactly Like A Virgin"
5. "Sistine Candles"
4. "Take This Job And Read It"
3. "Gettin' Popey Wit It"
2. "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me"
1. "Papa's Got A Brand New Encyclical"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear On A Ski Lift
10. "Wow, you don't get views like this in prison."
9. "You know, we'd both be warmer if you sat on my lap."
8. "If it doesn't snow again soon, I'm afraid they're gonna find the bodies."
7. "It's your lucky day -- you're riding with the king of the knock-knock jokes."
6. "Can you help me defrost my moustache?"
5. "Could you believe it? Some idiot just left these skis sitting right outside the lodge."
4. "While we've got a few minutes -- let me tell you about the Jehovah's Witnesses."
3. "Ow! I just got hit in the face by a goose!"
2. "I got a perfect way of testing if they have 10 inches of powder."
1. "All right boys, cut the cable!"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear The Morning After Your Office Christmas Party
10. "Man, you are one hairy son-of-a-bitch."
9. "I've never seen anyone drink so much Xerox toner."
8. "You've got messages from your wife, her lawyer, the ASPCA, and both Siegfried and Roy."
7. "Hey, dude, thanks for the kidney."
6. "Thanks to you, now I know I'm gay."
5. "Hey, dude, thanks for your other kidney."
4. "You should sue the hell out of whomever posted those photos on the web."
3. "Until you, no one had the guts to call Steinbrenner a bastard to his face."
2. "What time this morning did the paramedics dislodge the stapler?"
1. Security! He's back!"

Top Ten Ways The Muppets Can Appeal To Today's Teens
10. Sexually curious Gonzo sticks nose in warm apple pie
9.Introduce new Muppet -- Notorious B.I.G. Bird
8.Sesame Street episodes now sponsored by the number 3 and Colt 45
7.Rumble scene with cast of "South Park" where Gonzo shanks Cartman
6.Goodbye singing, dancing and hugging -- hello drinking, fighting and smoking
5.Cookie Monster writes tell-all book about his struggles with eating disorder
4.New fuzzy purple Muppet named "Ritalin"
3.Kermit gets "thug life" tattoo on chest
2.Scooter openly complains about the guy with his hand up his ass
1.Kubrick-style orgy scene in Ernie and Bert's bathtub

You Know You're In Trouble When ...
1. Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
2. Your suggestion box starts ticking.
3. Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
4. You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
5. The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
6. People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
7. You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
8. The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

7 things to do to when your ISP goes down
1. Dial 911 Immediately.
2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

The World's Shortest Books
1."My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
2."To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
3."The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
4.Human Rights Advances in China
5."Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
6.Al Gore: The Wild Years
7.Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
8.America's Most Popular Lawyers
9.Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
10.Detroit - A Travel Guide
11.Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
12.Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
13.Easy UNIX
14.Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
15.Everything Men Know About Women
16.Everything Women Know About Men
17.The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
18.George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
19.Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
20.The Amish Phone Directory
21.French Hospitality

Top ten things that sound dirty in law but aren't!
1.Have you looked through her briefs?
2.He is one hard judge!
3.Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
4.His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
5.Is it a penal offense?
6.Better leave the handcuffs on.
7.For $200 an hour, she better be good!
8.Can you get him to drop his suit?
9.The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
10.Think you can get me off?

The Top 16 Signs Your Kids Have Been Watching Too Much Jerry Springer
1.During Sunday sermon, they hold a palm up to the pastor and say, Talk to the hand!
2.Every night at the dinner table, it's the same routine: "Eat your vegetables, and the chairs go flying.
3.You've had to replace the baby-sitter with three burly stagehands.
4.Dinner topic: Teenage boys who hide Playboys under their mattresses.
5.Junior's new mastery of the headlock has made him the star of his high school debate team.
6.Have evolved from playing Doctor to Plastic Surgeon specializing in Male Enlargement.
7.They want to know why they only live in a house instead of a doublewide trailer.
8.At the dinner table, little Billy announces a surprise guest: your secretary/mistress.
9.Your Elvis shrine ain't been Endusted in two weeks.
10.Her tendency to hop up on tables, tear her shirt open and dance suggestively has gotten you banned from more than one Chuck E. Cheese.
11.Your youngest has stopped calling you Mommy in favor of Crack-ho.
12.Math: C- History: D+ English: F Interviewing Transvestite Hookers: A+
13.Last year, when you told him to clean his room, you merely got a sullen look. This year you get a dining room chair over your head.
14.Your son asks if anyone makes a DNA paternity test kit for Cabbage Patch Kids.
15.During that little talk with Junior, you're forced to admit that you don't know if
hermaphrodites are birds or bees.
16.Poor Ken just found out he hasn't been dating Barbie, but GI Joe in drag.

Sign Guestbook

View Guestbook

International Baccalaureate
Hell's Outhouse
Colorado Springs	Colorado
village_idiot_66@hotmail.com

Visitors: 07262

Page Updated Sat Jun 3, 2000 3:32pm EDT