Stuff from the New Number 2 - He's the smart one in the group. - Schools - http://maxpages.com/ibhumor/The_New_Number

In the spirit of Bill Owens, I give you the SIMT.

S.I.M.T (Standardized Insanity Measurement Test)

Part I: Personality

Section A - Short Answer

A1. Full name:

A2. Does your room currently qualify for federal disaster relief funding?

A3. If no, how many days will it take before it does?

A4. Do you believe stupidity should be a capital crime?

A5. Do you believe stupidity already is a capital crime?

Section B - Multiple Choice

B1. Should the world be worried about-?
(choose only one)
A. The Y3K problem
B. The continual drop in average I.Q. scores worldwide
C. The oil crisis
D. Invasion from outer space
E. Nuclear war

B2. Your greatest fear is-
(choose only one)
A. The dark
B. Spiders
C. Nuclear war
D. Your friends plotting against you
E. Running into one of the Dallas Cowboys in a dark alley

B3. You could best describe the strange looks you receive as-
(choose only one)
A. Quizzical
B. Stupefied
C. Sickened
D. Freaked-out
E. What strange looks?

B4. Given a choice would you rather be-
(choose only one)
A. Count(ess) Dracula
B. Hillary Clinton
C. Sparky the Wonder Dog
D. Albert Einstein
E. Yourself

B5. What does the alphanumeric combination B5 mean to you?
(choose only one)
A. Nothing
B. Stands for "Before 5 o'clock"
C. Babylon Five
D. I have to get up before 5 am to make it to school on time
E. B5? Isn't that this question?

B6. What person does your life most resemble?
(choose only one)
A. Napoleon
B. Joan of Arc
C. Any of the members of Mötley Crüe
D. Paul Revere
E. Ross Regliati

Section C - True/False

C1. Everyone is out to get you.

C2. The X-Files is absolute truth.

C3. Titanic was a good movie.

C4. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

C5. You have a life.

Section D - Subconscious Analysis

D1. What is your favorite TV commercial?

D2. What TV/movie character do you emphasize with the most?

D3. Does the character you chose die?

D4. Do you believe psychology is a science?

D5. A man walks onto a ranch, works there for a few years, plays piano, and leaves. Does this mean anything to you?

D6. Would you get a higher score on standardized tests than your teachers in-?

A. English

B. Math

C. Language

D. Science

D7. What science/art can B.S.ing most closely be compared to?

D8. If you could be any cartoon character, which one would it be, and why?

D9. If you could be any type of tree, which one would it be, and why?

D10. Do you believe that the previous two questions have any relevance to your personality?

D11. Does this number inspire horror in you?

D12. What is your favorite oxymoron?

D13. Who is your favorite moron?

D14. Do you believe in karma?

D15. Is life after death a more pleasant idea than life?

D16. Is there life before death?

D17. Do you suffer from insanity?

D18. What is your favorite day of the week?

D19. What is your favorite number?

D20. Have you ever won a prize in any lottery or drawing?

D21. If yes, was your answer to D19 involved?

D22. What career sounds most appealing to you?

D23. What career sounds most appealing to your parents?

D24. What do your friends think about you?

D25. Does torture in a foreign prison sound like a good alternative to your current life?

D26. Of the phrase "sex, drugs, and rock & roll", which is the least appealing?

D27. How often a day, on average, do you burst out laughing/crying for no apparent reason?

D28. How many voices do you currently have in your head?

D29. Have you ever found a pattern in a series of random numbers?

D30. What does the phrase "ferret-legging" mean to you?

STOP! THIS IS THE END OF PART I OF THE SIMT.
DO NOT GO ON TO THE NEXT SECTION UNTIL THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD INFORM YOU THAT TIME IS UP!

Part II - Word Association

1. jack-

2. life-

3. frickin'-

4. canal-

5. green-

6. surrealism-

7. cat-

8. battle-

9. spooky-

10. sex-

11. monotony-

12. terrible-

13. temple-

14. rendezvous-

15. retardation-

16. White House-

17. detonation-

18. gutta-

19. repeat-

20. sail-

21. bob-

22. spoon-

23. action-

24. life-

25. dead-

STOP! THIS IS THE END OF PART II OF THE SIMT.
DO NOT GO ON TO THE NEXT SECTION UNTIL THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD INFORM YOU THAT TIME IS UP!

Part III - Analysis of Insanity (AOI)

1. Show all your work:

Choose a random number. Multiply it by two. Divide by three. Square the number. Then, subtract the inverse (1/x) of your random number. Multiply by your answer to Part I's D28 question. Divide by the number of pets you have. Round to the nearest whole number. What is the number you have?

2. Do you feel that your life has been changed by your answer to #1?

3. If yes, for the better or for the worse?

4. What is the stupidest warning label you have ever read?

5. Who do you know that might need that warning?

6. Would the world be a better place without the person you chose for #5?

7. What is your function in the world?

8. Do you believe that you have a higher I.Q. than your pet?

Describe your reaction to the following situations:

9. A friend or family member invites you into a room, and motions you over to a table. On it lies a rock. This friend or family member states that the rock is his or her "pet rock", and will need care and feeding while he or she is away. You agree sarcastically to feed the rock. The next time you walk by the table, the rock bites you.

10. Your metaphysics teacher decides to give a pop quiz on the material you're going to cover tomorrow.

11. Walking by a pet-store window, you notice the sign "Guinea Pigs - 50% off. Snakes now 50% fatter."

12. You discover that your tennis racket is labeled "Genuine Catgut"

13. You finally get your chance to go on Jeopardy. Your opponents are Dan Quayle and Stephen Hawking. Quayle beats the living crap out of you, and goes on to become a five-time champion. Stephen Hawking finishes last with -300 points.

14. During a lightning storm, your teacher grabs one of your classmates by the arm, opens the door, and shoves him out, yelling "Now, Igor!" Ten minutes later, someone else walks in and your teacher introduces his/her replacement.

15. You arrive in Las Vegas, only to realize that it looks a lot like Wyoming.

STOP! THIS IS THE END OF THE TEST.
GO BACK AND CHECK YOUR ANSWERS CAREFULLY.

Frequently Asked Questions

How will my score be tabulated?

A panel of many judges, including both humans, felines, and imaginary voices will evaluate each of your answers and felines, critically evaluated, and
assigned a rating on the following rubric:

10: Ted Kazinski
8-9: Charles Manson
6-7: Marilyn Manson
4-5: "sad strange little man"
2-3: average politician
1: "normal"
0: Aggressively boring

Then, your score will be totaled, and returned to you.

How did you choose the word associations?

A sophisticated, computer analysis process that is much too complicated to even attempt to explain to the average reader. Or, if you prefer to think of it in simpler terms, pointing blindfold at a book. Still, there are many subtleties.

How do I get my results?

Email your answers (still in the survey form, please) to thenewnumbertwo@usa.net

the Village Idiot scored 600. That's not considered good.

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Page Updated Tue May 30, 2000 7:19pm EDT