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| I realize you probably don't want to take more tests, but these are very interesting. |
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| College Entrance Exam for a Football Player | IB Final Exam |
| Time Limit: 3 WKS 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY 4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one) 5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) 8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners 9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton Bush: Carter: Clinton: 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. 11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no if you answer "yes", please do explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity below: 13. What are coat hangers used for? 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? 15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. 16. Where is the basement in a three story building located? 17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin 18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have? 19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? 20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. |
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately. History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific. Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes. Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek. Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis. Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is necessary to translate. Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision. Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question. Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its political effects if any. Epistemiology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand. Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science. Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought. General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. |
| If you've ever been called one of these, you're stupid. | Weirdness Test |
| -A few clowns short of a circus. -A few fries short of a happy meal. -The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. -Slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching. -All foam, no beer. -The butter has slipped off his pancake. -The cheese slid off his cracker. -Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. -Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. -Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. -Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. -As smart as bait. -Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. -Her sewing machine's out of thread. -One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. -Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. -His belt doesn't go through all the loops. -Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. -Receiver is off the hook. -Not wired to code. -Skylight leaks a little. -Her slinky's kinked. -Too much yardage between the goal posts. -Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. -A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on. -During evolution his ancestors were in the control group. -Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. -Is so dense, light bends around her. -If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. -Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean. -Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. -She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long. -Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. -A few peas short of a casserole. -One taco short of a combination plate. -A few feathers short of a whole duck. -An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. -Chimney's clogged. -Forgot to pay his brain bill. -No grain in the silo. -In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most. |
In the following quiz, select the answer that most closely corresponds with your actual feelings/attitude/life. You may occasionally be asked to make a choice in advance - do so before reading the answers for maximum effect. MAKE A CHOICE - Select a number between 1 and 100 NOW! You chose: -2-4, 6, 9-16, 19-22, 24-41, 43-56 or 58-99 -1, 7, 69 or 100 -42 -23, 5, 17 or 18 -8 -57 I'm going to say "The Illuminatus! Trilogy" to you. -Oh, that old Yarn by Wilson, right? -What is the Illuminatus! Trilogy? -I read the Illuminatus once. It was funny. -I sign my name with the letters KNS after it. -I've read the Illuminatus many, many times. It contains the secrets of the universe, if you look hard enough. -I own a printed & bound copy of the Principia! You're walking down the street, dressed in your favorite clothes. -No-one pays much attention. Trendy young people snigger slightly. -No-one pays much attention, until they try to seduce you. When they see your underwear, those who survive run away very, very fast, and do not talk to anyone about sex ever again. You *do* try to sit down too much, though. -Businessmen look upon you as an equal. -Little children look slightly nervous at you. -A concerned citizen 'phones the police, who send in a SWAT team to take you out. Ha! It does no better than the last three. -Builders and labourers cross the road to avoid passing you. What do you think of Cthulhu? -A fascinating magickal egregore, very useful for dream-based rituals to Unknown Kaddath. -Monster from Lovecraft's horror fiction. -Tentacled monster that sleeps imprisoned in a sunked island in the south pacific, waiting to rise again. -[Secretive smile] Who? Didn't you come in here to buy a book, sonny, not to ask an old man silly questions? -Hng! Hng! Ia! Ia Cthulhu f'thagn! f-f-f-father! YOG SOTHOTH!! -Ummm... its a random string of unintelligble letters? How do you derive your regular income? -I get a grant. -I work in an office. Why? -Money comes to me as and when I need it. The means varies from day to day - yesterday, I found N$3000 (Three Thousand Nigerian Dollars) hidden inside a cat. -I'm on welfare hand-outs. -My father, who dies some years ago, left me an inheritance that produces a modest monthly stipend. It isn't fantastic, but it's more than enough to keep my work going without 'dipping into the capital'. -I deal drugs in Times Square. Bob? -That'll be $5, please. -Haha! Slack! The Anti-Bob! Kill me! Frop! Hahaha! -Oh yeah, what do you call a disabled guy in a swimming pool, haha. -... Ha! Watch me go! I'm the cosmic neutron gun! Throw my switch and watch _me_ blast you into space, baby! I ate the earth for breakfast, but it tasted crap so I spewed it back up again! Nothing can come close to me, because _I_COME_CLOSE_TO_IT_!! I... -No. -Jim? MAKE A CHOICE! Select a number between 1 and 10 NOW! You chose: -1, 5, 7, 8, 10. -3 -2 -9 -6 -4 Where, to your mind, do 'Strange Phenomena' start being strange? -Anything that science can't explain easily. -From the womb onwards, dude. -Telepathy. That really wierds me. -A Rain of Live Frogs. -Large demons appearing on live TV and ripping up a politician. -Crop Circles appearing in concrete. What is Magick? -Strange people in silly clothes doing pointless things to chickens. -All life is Magick. -Frazer's Law of Sympathy and Law of Contagion. -Laughter. -David Copperfield. (But you spelt it wrong - no 'k', dumb-head) -The art of causing change in conformity with will. Do you possess any psychic powers? -Aw, frag off smeghead. -No, but I wish I did. -Well, I am very intuitive and in touch with my femenine nature. -Yeehaw! I've nearly got the full set! All I need now is Full-contact Psychometry! Say.. you wouldn't swap me for 2 Telepathys and a Clairvoyance, would you? I could throw in a Green Fingers, too... -Yes, I often get visions which later come true. Bookies hate me. -I know who's on the phone before I answer it. Do you play any Role-Playing Games? -Dungeons and Dragons leads to Satanism and suicide. I *way* too smart for that. -Yeah, sure, I've played some role-playing games. They're an interesting exercise. -I write role-playing games professionally, as a matter of fact. -Play??? Look bud, all my best magick was learnt from RPGs! Don't believe me? Watch, then as I fireball your cat! ***WHOOOOOSSSSSSHH*** **WHUMP** *MEEeeoooww......* HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! -I read White Wolf(tm) Rulebooks, but I don't actually play. -Oh boy, yes! I only stop playing CarWars to go to the toilet once a week! A typical thing that your parents would say to you is: -"TURN THAT BLOODY NOISE DOWN!" -"Its who??" -"Mph. Snrph. Wassup? Uh? Its 2am, forgodsake!" -told to you only by mediums, 'cos they're no longer alive. -Nzrgnbit Zipplikaddah Cherbis Gazrag Earth Minnip Koodah Soon. Mwahahah! -"Hello, dear, it's your mother. When are you bringing the kids round to see us again? I hope you're eating properly... I've been so tired recently." Do you see auras? -I tried once or twice, but no luck. -After 30 minutes naked, alone in a dark room... -What they? -No. -Yes. -That depends. I had a real mean aura in hear once, it chewed up half the place, and I had to replace the sofa too. How much is it offering? Is it house-trained? If you are going to program a computer, what language do you use? -Oh, I don't program computers. I use Microsoft. -BASIC. -Pascal -Object-extended C++, with the help of some home-defined libraries. -I program in binary, actually. -COBOL. -Computers are bad and evil and horrible. Let us suppose that you have a long-lost great-aunt, who dies and leaves you something in her will. What would it be? -A crumbling old gothic mansion, miles from anywhere, served by a single elderly retainer, just as crumbly. As you drive through the obligatory little village to take possession, all the locals stare at you with a mixture of fear, hope and pity, but all you can think of is the wonderful party you're going to have there at the next full moon with all your Sorority sisters from the Campus. -Ten Million Dollars. -A cat. -A nice house, say 30-40K, some furniture. -A peculiar brass casket, sealed with wax and covered with odd heiroglyphs and symbols. Despite repeated urgings, you put it in the attic, unopened, and never touch it again. The matter is never mentioned again, save for a strange new addition to your will that your lawyer receives a short time later. -A mysterious old envelope, containing three sheets that look suspiciously like an ancient map... What was the last meal you ate? -Somalia. -A nice pork chop, with some boiled potato and cabbage. -Some wafers made of a mixture of your own blood, burnt parchment and oatmeal bran. -Lentil stew with wok-fried beansprouts and a glass of holistic carrot extract. -A portion of fries. -A pizza that was delivered to your door by a jumpy delivery guy. What work of Aleistair Crowley's did you find most illuminating? -Magick in Theory and in Practice -The Book of Lies -Who? -Diary of a Drug Fiend -Oh, well, actually, I never read any of his stuff yet, but I will real soon. -The Book of The Law What is your normal sexual position? -In the middle. -Ohh. Uhh. Um. My. Um. The missionary, I suppose. -Spread on the altar with a candle up my ass -In train toilets. -On top. -Hanging by our feet from a street lamp, with our ears welded together and a pair of moroccan Baboons for light relief. Do you have any pets? -Yes, six japanese fighting fish, carefully segregated. -Weellll, sort of - I breed rabbits, goats and black cockerels. I do try not to get too attached to them, though. -No. -Yes, a cat. -Yes, a dog. -Oh yes, *giggle*, yes indeed. He'd like to see my pets, Igor! Come, come, let me show you. Its much _easier_ that way. Which of the following phrases do you use most often? -"Please come back, little person! I only playing! Ha! Caught you! Oh. You leaking, person! Wake up! Why you all go sleep? No fun! You people so boring!" -"Isn't the weather dreadful!" -"A beer, Charlie. Make it a cold one." -"No, thanks." -"Ateh! Malkuth! Ve Gevurah! Ve Gedulah! Le Olahm!!" -"Oh, I'm sorry. Was that _your_ child? Please, have her back. Good day! I beg your...? Fuck you too, Madam." |
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