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| Let's see. What's worth watching? Star Wars, X-Files, Star Trek. Oh no, do you know what this means? We're geeks! |  |
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| X-Files | Star Wars |
| Top 10 Ways Other Shows Are Ripping Off the X-Files 10. Roseanne now claims to be alien abductee. 9. Cast of "Baywatch" actually cloned from leftover parts of Cher. 8. "CBS Evening News" set to replace Connie Chung with a Yeti. 7. Jay Leno says his giant chin is the result of government experiments. 6. "Larry King Live" changing name to "Close Encounters of the Larry Kind" 5. Mysterious next-door neighbor on "Home Improvement" revealed to be Deep Throat. 4. On "Seinfeld", Kramer finds an alien implant in his hair. 3. Principal Skinner relates an out-of-body experience he had in Vietnam on a very special episode of "the Simpsons". 2. Regis will look for aliens while Kathie Lee handles the autopsies. 1. Dr. Niles Crane will start setting fires with the power of his mind. Top 10 Lines You'll Probably Never Hear on "The X-Files" 10. "The alien is speaking, Agent Mulder...I think it wants to phone home." 9. "Sure we could have these people killed to protect what they know...but isn't that a little harsh?" 8. "I've seen this one before, Scully. His name is Casper, and he's what we call a 'friendly' ghost." 7. "Look under the mask...this is no swamp monster...it's Mr. Handy, the owner of the old country store!" 6. "My Lord! This conspiracy involves all three of the Gabor sisters!" 5. "Well, Agent Mulder...you caught us. We'll cooperate fully, of course. What would you like to know?" 4. "You'll be happy to hear, Assistant Director Skinner, that I've switched over to the nicotine patch." 3. "The president wants to see you two immediately. His cheeseburger is possessed." 2. "And it would have worked, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling FBI agents!" 1. "Gosh, I guess we were weong...the government did have our best interests at heart, after all!" Top 10 Unsolved X-Files 10. The mysterios Yeti of Central Park 9. The Haunted Beard 8. Why agents are always cutting Skinner's yard 7. Little Green Men Who Live in Jerry Falwell's Hairpiece 6. Dramatic number of upswing in number of children who look just like Sam Donaldson 5. Why Fox cancelled "The Critic" 4. People Who use the Term "Okie-Dokie": Mutant or Just Plain Annoying? 3. What's the deal with that huge hat the Pope wears? 2. The Stuckey's Pecan Log 1. Who Wrote the Book of Love? All I Need to Know In Life, I Learned From the X-Files 1. If you see a bee, RUN! 2. Avoid being abducted by aliens at all costs. 3. Never expect an informant to stick around for long. 4. Avoid people dressed in black. 5. Glow-in-the-dark bugs are bad. 6. Freaky worm mutants that live in sewers are bad. 7. Protect your liver from mutant liver-eating men. 8. Protect your pituary gland from mutant pituary gland-eating men. 9. Protect your fat from mutant fat-eating men. 10. Always check rocks for gooey alien black oil. 11. Make sure your local PTA is demon-free. 12. Avoid people with gargoyle fetishes. 13. Don't bring your pet when you go lake monster hunting. 14. Don't smoke. 15. Don't get a red tatoo. 16. Don't drill holes in your head. 17. Red eyes are a bad sign. 18. If you feel yourself being 'drawn' somewhere, in short - don't go. 19. The truth *is* out there...somewhere. 20. If it's iced tea, it could be love, but if it's root beer, it's fate. 21. Never leave home without your Superduper-Alien-Bounty-Hunter-Killing-Fffftttt-Stiletto-Needle-Weapon-Thing. 22. Cable TV can be linked to strange behavior - trust me, I know. |
Top 10 Moments the Emporer Wishes He'd Been There For... 10. Snatching up Luke's lightsaber in the Wampa cave. 9. Flipping the tractor beam back on after Obi-Wan left. 8. Shoving Vader right off the Cloud City gantry after Luke. 7. Tying Luke's laces together before he leaped out over the Sarlaac. 6. Stepping on Luke's fingers while he hung from the Cloud City weather vane. 5. Unhooking Luke and Leia's rope in the Death Star core shaft. 4. Cranking up the speed on the Trash Compacter. 3. Driving the AT-AT that almost stepped on Luke. 2. Showing Wicker what a _real_ electric shock feels like. 1. "And now, Baby Ewok...You will die!" Top 11 Signs You've Been Waiting in Line Too Long for "Star Wars" Tickets... 11. That chick dressed as Princess Leia in front of you now qualifies as your "longest relationship with a woman." 10. Can't resist the urge to "unsheathe your lightsaber," if you know what I mean. 9. Even your most loyal supporters are starting to question your order to "just keep bombing Serbia until I get back." 8. We're bombing who? What the hell is a Kosovo? Is that on the planet Bathra? 7. A fellow fan compliments you on your Chewbacca costume, but you aren't wearing one. 6. When a reporter asks you why you're obsessing about a movie when there's a war in Europe, you express full confidence in President Reagan's ability to handle the situation. 5. Your Boba Fett lunchbox is worth $.45 more than it was when you got to the theater. 4. The guy next to you is in line for "Episode II." 3. Obi-Wan's ghost shows up to spritz you with Lysol. 2. The dude in the Wookie suit is starting to look pretty good to you. 1. Bossman Vader told you to take your Jedi powers to the planet of unemployment. |
| Star Trek | |
| Klingon Programmers Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer 12) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!" 11) "This machine is a piece of GAKH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!" 10) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon." 9) "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!" 8) "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in it's wake." 7) "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM." 6) "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak." 5) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again." 4) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!" 3) "By filing this SPR you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!" 2) "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!" 1) "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!" Top 100 Reasons Kirk is better than Picard 100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower. 99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look. 98. Kirk has sex more than once a season. 97. One Word: Hair. 96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG. 95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed. 94. Picard is a French man with an English accent. 93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!! 92. Kirk never drank tea. Ever. 91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk. 90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge. 89. Two words: Shoulder Roll. 88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch. 87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty." 86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis. 85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift. 84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population. 83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?" 82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses. 81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation. 80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy. 79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology. 78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage. 77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off --even around those pesky Yeomans. 76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill. 75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt. 74. One Word: Velour. 73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess. 72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks. 71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise. 70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again. 69. One Word: Iman. 68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt. 67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck. 66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation." 65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge. 64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out. 63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes. 62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns. 61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice. 60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!" 59. Kirk is not politically correct. 58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet. 57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. 56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead. 55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference? 54. One Word: Miniskirts. 53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light. 52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts. 51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone. 50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer. 49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF." 48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast. 47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan. 46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is. 45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up. 44. Picard never met Joan Collins. 43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet. 42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions. 41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Dust-Busters. 40. Two Words: Line Delivery. 39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school. 38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures. 37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?) 36. Kirk is not put off by green skin. 35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs. 34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won. 33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he only asks Spock. 32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do. 31. One Word: Fisticuffs. 30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy. 29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show. 28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long. 27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry. 26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources. 25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician. 24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything. 23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses. 22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk. 21. Kirk's bridge is not beige. 20. Two Words: Crane Shots. 19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it. 18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles. 17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice. 16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge. 15. Kirk would never even touch SYNTHAHOL. 14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes." 13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily. 12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake. 11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at. 10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave. 9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign. 8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up. 7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it. 6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick 5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object. 4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed. 3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets. 2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail One Word: Balls. |
HOW TO SURVIVE A HORROR MOVIE * When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead. * If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately. * Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. *Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. * As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. * If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away. *Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing. * If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. * Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface. * When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lights on! * Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you. * Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road. * Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis. * Never say that you'll be right back because you won't. * If anything other than water (blood, thick goo of any color)comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately. * If, looking in a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don't see upon turning around, you see a different room than the one you are in, you see a figure other than yourself looking back, or your reflection tells you to get out before it is too late, proceed to the nearest exit with all speed. *If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door and see the correct room after re-opening it, vacate the house. |
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