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| A few random quotes won't make your day any better, but they might make you laugh... |  |
| That blue star means that this section has the highest mark of approval from my cat: 3 hairballs up. |
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| "The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't." "[His] study was a total mess, like the results of an explosion in a public library." "He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife. " "There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe if for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened." "A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." "For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen." "[God] puts an apple tree in the middle of [the Garden of Eden] and says, do what you like guys, oh, but don't eat the apple. Surprise surprise, they eat it and he leaps out from behind a bush shouting "Gotcha." It wouldn't have made any difference if they hadn't eaten it... Because if you're dealing with somebody who has the sort of mentality which likes leaving hats on the pavement with bricks under them you know perfectly well they won't give up. They'll get you in the end." "He inched his way up the corridor as if he would rather be yarding his way down it..." "He shifted his weight from foot to foot, but it was equally uncomfortable on each." "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." "I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it." "If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandonded this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working." "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." "Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twin brother or sister." "You live and learn. At any rate, you live." "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." "In cases of major discrepancy it's always reality that's got it wrong....reality is frequently inaccurate." "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." "It is a rare mind indeed that can render the hitherto nonexistent blindingly obvious. The cry "I could have thought of that" is a very popular and misleading one, for the fact is that they didn't, and a very significant and revealing fact it is too." "It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it... anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job." "Man [has] always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much the wheel, New York, wars and so on while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man for precisely the same reason." "Many words and expressions which only a matter of decades ago were considered so distastefully explicit that, were they merely to be breathed in public, the perpetrator would be shunned, barred from polite society, and in extreme cases shot through the lungs, are now thought to be very healthy and proper, and their use in everyday speech and writing is evidence of a well-adjusted, relaxed and totally un****ed-up personality." "Many men of course became extremely rich, but this was perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of because no one was really poor at least no one worth speaking of." "The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phase, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question How can we eat? the second by the question Why do we eat? and the third by the question Where shall we have lunch?" "The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair." The above are all from Douglas Adams "I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother." "The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding; and mating." -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course "What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary." -- Richard Harkness, *The New York Times*, 1960 Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them." "With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm "Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change." "Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw." "The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" "Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." -- Dave Barry "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- A. Whitney Brown "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -- William James "We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." -- Mark Twain "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." - Dave Barry "When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl." "Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. "668: The Neighbor of the Beast" "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." -- Emo Phillips "Writing about music is like dancing about architecture." "Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again." -- F. P. Jones "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_ "As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so." -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney "When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp " I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up= in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!" -- Monty Python "Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. "-- Ashleigh Brilliant "My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right." -- Ashleigh Brilliant "Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way." "The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967 "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance "An Animated Cartoon Theology: 1.People are animals. 2.The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain. 3.Life is antagonistic to the living. 4.The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music. 5.The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning. 6.The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum. 7.We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us." -- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel" "Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?" "G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4 "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz] "The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad." "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." [Dolly Parton] "You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see smart woman with a dumb guy." [Erica Jong] "I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours." [Rita Rudner] "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." [Rita Rudner] "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." [Wendy Liebman] "Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth." [Erma Bombeck] "If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them." [Sue Grafton] "I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on." [Roseanne Barr] "I think-therefore I'm single." [Lizz Winstead] "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." [Elayne Boosler] "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." [Maryon Pearson] "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." [Gilda Radner] "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." [Margaret Thatcher] "If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." [Margaret Atwood] "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." [Gloria Steinhem] "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." [Gloria Steinhem] "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." [Marie Corelli] "Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." [Baroness Edith Summerskill] "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" [Linda Ellerbee] "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." [Zsa Zsa Gabor] |
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