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| Have you ever wondered if your cat was trying to kill you? | I hope that I never get this bored: |
| 1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. 2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill. 3. He actually _does_ have your tongue. 4. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch. 5. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. 6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. 7. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. 8. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on. 9. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper. 10. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose. |
THINGS TO DO AT WALMART 1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.... 2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.... 3. Make a trail of Mountain Dew on the floor, leading to the restroom.... 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.... 5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes up to 10.... 6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.... 7. Put M&M's on layaway.... 8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.... 9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.... 10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" 11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.... 12. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.... 13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.... 14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are.... 15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.... 16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible." 17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.... 18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.... 19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me!, pick me!!" 20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" 21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put an umbrella in it.... 22. Go into one of the fitting rooms and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!" |
| Have you ever been this bored at work? | "21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic" |
| 1. You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2000. 2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis. 3. You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island. 4. You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs. 5. People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling. 6. No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop. 7. You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs. 8. The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements. 9. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.) 10. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) 11. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." 12. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." 13. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this. 14. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document. 15. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fir-@companyname.com" 16. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. 17. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN." 18. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children. 19. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." 20. Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you 'got the last one.' 21. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants, staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be too careful.' 22. Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song. Invite others to join you. 23. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver. 24. Go into someone's office, grab a book from their shelves, and begin reading it aloud to them. If they interrupt, give them an evil look. 25. Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it. 26. Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain that the holes 'make it more aerodynamic'. 27. Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet. 28. Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to 'change the channel' on people's computers. When it doesn't work, mumble something about 'cheap Japanese crap.' 29. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a drive-through. 30. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone in a low voice if they washed their hands. 31. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time to time. 32. Walk into people's offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into your shirt, saying 'No sign of him yet, Chief.' 33. When the phone rings, answer by saying 'KBBL, you're on the air.' 34. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell them your computer just had a baby. 35. Paint your face blue and start searching around in people's desk drawers. Ask them if they've seen your pills. 36. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of copies. Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office. 37. Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff room. Place a stack of firewood in the corner, along with matches, lighter fluid, hot dogs, and marshmallows. 39. Place a row of liquor bottles on your desk, and a sign on your door which reads 'NO COVER!' Announce loudly that it's happy hour. 40. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for invisible people. 41. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 42. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 43. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." 44. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 45. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." 46. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 47. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way. 48. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. |
1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive. 2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water. 3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait. 4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage. 5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it. 6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun. 7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral. 8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship. 9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun. 10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing? 11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt. 12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars. 13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world?" 14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key. 15. Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie." 16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes. 17. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg! 18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father."? 19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character. 20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars. 21. Titanic morals: a. gamble, b. cheat on your husband, c. pose nude for pictures, d. premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated. Star Wars morals: a. fight evil, b. do good, c. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers, d. rescue princess, e. save planet. |
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