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| I really don't recommend thinking too hard about these for too long. |  |
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| Deep Thoughts from Jack Handey | Things to Ponder |
| - If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. - I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. - To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." - If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots." - I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. - If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. - To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. - Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? - Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. - I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. - I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. - If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. - It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. - Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. - If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. - When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. - I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. - If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and he guy was reading a magazine. - If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. - Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? - If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. - One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. - For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? - Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. - I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. - If by some occurrence you find yourself falling of the CN Tower, Just let yourself go limp. If some people see you falling they may try to catch you thinking, "hey, free dummy!" - Why is the dove the symbol for peace. Why not the pillow? It has more feathers and it doesn't have that dangerous beak! - If some guy asked me the meaning of Love, I'd pin his arm up behind his back and say..."Now look who's asking the Questions!" -The funny thing about a person driving off a cliff is that they probably have their foot on the break. Hey, why not try the emergency brake? |
-Why is an orange the only fruit named after it's color or was the color named after the fruit? -If matter and anti-matter come in contact with each other and there is a huge explosion, what are they going to store anti-matter in? -If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? -So what's the speed of dark? -If all those psychics know all the lottery numbers, why are they still working? -If you jogged backward, would you gain weight? -What do you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp? -If you put instant coffee in a microwave, would you go back in time? -How come if you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but if you take him in the car, he sticks his head out the window? -Is "RAM disk" an installation procedure? -Why use a big word, when a diminutive one will suffice? -Isn't depression just unenthusiastic anger? -If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all of her friends? -Isn't dancing just a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire? -What happens if you get scared half to death twice? -How come stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research? -Why do bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks? -Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? -Can a blind person feel blue? -What's the point in being pessimistic? It probably won't work anyway. -What if there were no hypothetical situations? -How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? -How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? -How is it that a house can burn up as it burns down? -Why do we say an alarm clock goes off when it really goes on? -Do they have reserved parking for regular people at the Special Olympics? -If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? -If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? -Do you ever wonder where people in hell tell people to go? -Are you telling the truth when you lie in bed? -If your vacuum cleaner really sucks, is that good? -Why do hot dog buns come ten in a package and the buns only eight? -Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? -Is a computer virus covered by Medicare? -How do you know when a Smurf suffocates? -If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in one take so long? -Are part time band leaders semi-conductors? -Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener? -If you are floating in space and you do half of a somersault, are you upside down? -Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? -Why do they call them standard options when you have to pay extra for them? -Do wet hens really get mad? -If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice? -If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? -In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same? -Where do swear words come from? -Why can't you make another word using all the letters in anagram? -Why do people use the word "irregardless"? -Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? -Why do we say something's out of order when it's broken but we never say in of order when it works? -Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing? -Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug? -Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? -Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? -Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? -Why is that plural of goose geese, but the plural of moose isn't meese? -How does skating on thin ice get you into hot water? -Why do they have signs at Burger King that say "Picture menus available for those who need them"? If you can't read, how can you ask for a picture menu? -If a case of the clap spreads, is it called applause? -Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stuck together? -Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? -Why do 'tug' boats push their barges? -Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game", when we're already there? -Why are they called stands when they're made for sitting? -Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? -You can't have everything…where would you put it? -When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? -Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? -Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. -When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? -Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? -Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? -If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? -Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one? -If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? -If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"? |
| NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED FACT : RED LIGHTS ALWAYS LAST LONGER THEN GREEN ONES FAILURE IS NEVER FATAL AND SUCCESS IS NEVER FINAL FARMERS ARE JUST PLAIN FOLKS FEEL GOOD? DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL GET OVER IT FELLOW WITH CLOSED MIND OFTEN HAS OPEN MOUTH FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES BUT NEVER FORGET THEIR NAMES FREEDOM IS DOING WHAT YOU LIKE, HAPPINESS LIKING WHAT YOU DO FRICTION IS A DRAG FRIENDS COME AND GO, BUT ENEMIES ACCUMULATE FRIENDS ARE PEOPLE YOU CAN BE QUIET WITH GET EVEN BUILD SOMETHING FOOLPROOF AND EVERY FOOL WILL USE IT CAN YOU REMEMBER WHEN THE AIR WAS CLEAN AND SEX WAS DIRTY? CAN'T UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF FEAR CAREFUL PLANNING WILL NEVER REPLACE DUMB LUCK CAREFUL!!...YOU MAY BE THE ONLY BIBLE SOME PEOPLE EVER READ CARPENTERS ARE JUST PLANE FOLKS CHICKEN © THE EGG'S WAY OF MAKING MORE EGGS CLONES ARE PEOPLE TWO CLUTTERED DESK = CLUTTERED MIND / EMPTY DESK = EMPTY ______? COLE'S LAW © THINLY SLICED CABBAGE COMMON SENSE IS INSTINCT, AND ENOUGH OF IT IS GENIUS COMPASSION IS THE BASIS OF ALL MORALITY LIFE IS ONLY UNDERSTOOD BACKWARD, BUT MUST BE LIVED FORWARD LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL? LOOK OUT FOR THAT TRAIN LOAFER © SOMEONE TRYING TO MAKE TWO WEEKENDS MEET LOAN SOMEONE A SYMPATHETIC EAR LOSE WEIGHT : EAT STUFF YOU HATE LOSE WEIGHT : PUT A SCALE IN FRONT OF THE 'FRIGE MAD AT YOUR NEIGHBOR? BUY HIS KID A DRUM! MAKE A LIVING, BUT MAKE ROOM FOR LIFE MEN HAVE MANY FAULTS, WOMEN ONLY TWO, ALL THEY SAY & ALL THEY DO MINDS ARE LIKE PARACHUTES..THEY ONLY WORK WHEN THEY'RE OPEN MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL WEALTH MONEY IS LIKE A PROMISE, EASIER MADE THEN KEPT |
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