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| note: Viki Reed is a talented, humorous and dare I say somewhat peculiar writer. She has agreed to write for our e-zine on a bi-weekly basis. Her columns will then be archived here for future genrations to read, laugh and probably get a little pissed off about. Braisco. You can read Viki every other week in your e-mail. Sign up for the Weekly Mind Picker! 3/12/00 I Was Robbed! Did Einstein Get Too Much Credit?! Time Magazine announced the legendary physicist-mathematician Albert Einstein as The Man of The Century. After reviewing their reasoning, I can come to no other conclusion except I WAS ROBBED of the title! Come on, Einstein? There must be a conspiracy involved in this decision despite Stephen Hawking's eloquent essay defining Einstein's historic role in understanding and applying science and technology. It's so transparent it's laughable. Compare Einstein's life and mine and come to your own conclusions. Einstein was born in Ulm, Germany in 1879. I was born in Red Bank, New Jersey in 1966. As a child Einstein was described as not working up to his potential. He was slow to learn to speak and did not do well in elementary school. He could not stomach organized learning and loathed taking exams. As a child, I got lots of "Needs Improvement" and "Satisfactory" grades in mandatory classes throughout elementary school. I could not stomach most of the food in the cafeteria and my exams were full of erase marks. Einstein graduated from the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology in 1900 with a teaching degree in mathematics and physics he was unable to find work until landing a job in 1902 at the Swiss patent office in Bern. I dropped out of High School at the end of my junior year and moved to Manhattan where I had trouble finding a job until The Beanstalk Restaurant hired me as a waitress. Three years after his patent office gig, Einstein published his ``special theory of relativity'', which described how the only constant in the universe is the speed of light. Everything else -- mass, weight, space, even time itself -- is compressed as it approaches the speed of light, because energy equals mass times the speed of light squared, or E-mc. Three years after my waitress job, I showed the world how stupid I was by dating (and later marrying) an older, barely divorced shmuck actor who displayed his devotion by moving to California. I wrote over 224 letters explaining my "special theory of fated love," which described how even though I lived 3,000 miles away from this jerk, that my love was the only constant in his world. Everything else, from my job, my self-esteem, my youth-was secondary as we approached the day when I would take all my savings and move to the West Coast, where my energies equaled the massive neediness times the speed with which I accepted his bull crap, or Me, equals emptiness shared. Einstein's famous theorem of "E-mc" was also the seed that led to the development of atomic energy and weapons. My famous defense of my butt-head boyfriend was the seed that led to his dropping a bomb on my life when he dumped me for a fat, ugly, rich girl; unleashing energy and weapons of a nature not seen anywhere before. To resolve some of the problems with his special theory of relativity, Einstein published his other great work, the ``general theory of relativity,'' in 1916, which states that to account for gravity, time and space must be curved around massive objects like stars, planets or black holes. To resolve some of the problems created with my stupid theories about my ex-husband, I filed my other monumental explanation, "Personal Bankruptcy, Chapter 11," in 1995. This accounted for all the black hole of debt connected to eight credit-credit cards, my landlord, and my parents. I proved that the entire universe was curved around me and working against me. Five years after publishing his General Theory of Relativity, Einstein earned the Nobel Prize in Physics. Five years after filing for bankruptcy I earned the right to hold many credit cards with 28% interest. In 1939, six years after he fled European fascism and settled at Princeton University, Einstein, an avowed pacifist, signed a letter to President Roosevelt urging the United States to develop an atomic bomb before Nazi Germany. In 1994, weeks after my husband fled me, I settled in the San Fernando Valley. As an avowed stupid woman, I made dozens of phone calls to everyone my husband and I knew, urging them all to hate my ex to be before he dropped bombs on them too. Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking stated in his Time Magazine essay that, `The world has changed far more in the past hundred years than in any other century in history. The reason is not political or economic, but technological -- technologies that flowed directly from advances in basic science. Clearly, no scientist better represents those advances that Albert Einstein' My ex husband stated in his self-serving divorce papers that I was to, '...not come within 75 feet of him, his friends, relatives, or employers for at least two years.' Clearly, no person better represents pure evil than my ex husband. Copyright 1999-2000 by Viki Reed  False Labor: TLC's A Baby Story Every damn weekday and weekends on the Health Channel too! The Learning Channel and Lifetime Television (‘Television for Victims') are masters at producing slick home videos. It was only a matter of time before "A Baby Story" was ‘born'. This show's problems are as undeniable as Teutonic contractions. After steadily tracking "A Baby Story"a virgin viewer could assume: 1.Only upscale couples have pregnancies worth sharing. 2.You might as well be a retard from Appalachia if you decide to birth without painkillers. 3.Your baby won't have new Gymboree clothing dangling from freshly pressed plastic hangers. 4.Your own family sucks. 5.Haven't I seen these blissful dopes on an EPT (home pregnancy test) commercial? Smiley confessions of how they found out they were pregnant, name-picking, scary moments, why they're verifying the baby's sex (...all the ways to say, "I saw a little penis!") and why they chose the birth plan they did. Catered baby showers numbering dozens of people, with the Bris's double in attendance. In time, you're quite bored. These couples want for little and own an alarming amount of 4X4 vehicles. The worst that could happen is they bring the wrong cashmere sweater for the trip home from the hospital, or that they brought the wrong sandals for their ‘belly painting' party. No, one's crapping themselves over insurance deductibles, negative doctors, insensitive nurses, car-seat budgets, breast-pump pricing, prenatal vitamin bills, stretch-marks or getting fat for that matter (many of the women you follow are in special spinning-yoga-tai-bo pregnancy classes). Okay, if audiences wanted to hear about diarrhea, farting, backaches, giant aureolas, insane mood swings, the show would be called, "A Gross, Complaining Bitch Story". Even a cabler like TLC would flinch at the real education of new parents; it's still no excuse for producing little more than an electronic greeting card-cum-infomercial for Baby Bellini. The show's saving grace is moment of birth. During commercial breaks, the Lifetime Female Announcers purrs, "Stay tuned, in seven minutes you will see the first moments in a baby's life". Actually you don't, because the actual birth is digitally censored. Despite this, you'll find yourself dunking into a well of triumph that suddenly is there in that grandest second of a human's life. If you've ever had a baby, the casing around your cynical heart will turn to placenta and you'll be as surprised as the parents are. Some of the doctors have recurring roles, leaving you with the feeling that they shouldn't be around private parts with scalpels. One kooky British gyno encourages his patients to put their bare feet on his bald head while they push the limits of their rectum. When the cameras are on, they forget that phrase, ‘Once you've seen one, you've seen them all' and they turn into show-biz gynos; cracking jokes, encouraging epidurals, not arriving until the baby's practically popping-out, and dramatically excited about bringing new life into the world. Ultimately, one needs the patience of a midwife to watch "A Baby Story's" treacle drool down the back of your TV set. copyright Viki Reed 200 Shark Shows Unless someone discovers a new make and model of shark, there need never be another Shark Show on HBO, TLC, The Science Channel, PBS, National Geographic Channel, Fox-TV, Animal Planet, or ANY CABLE outlet including but not limited-to The Shark Channel. Why? Between reruns and videotape the shows aren't going anywhere. We know all we need to know about sharks. The format has been spear-gunned to death. Save yourself quick! It's the attack of the Shark Show, the most dangerous Mad-Lib roaming the broadcasting waters... "Allo. I'm a foreign expert of the deadliest of maneaters; the (HAMMERHEAD, GREAT WHITE, BLUE, NEEDLENOSE, MAHI-MAHI, BLUE, MAKO, TIGER, PIKED DOGFISH, BASKING, LEOPARD, WHALE SHARK, HORN, GRAY, BROWN, ANGEL, COOKIE-CUTTER, THRESHER, FRILLED, WOBBEGOG) shark. My accent is as indistinguishable and mysterious as this majestic beast of the ocean. This virtual king of the ocean has only one natural enemy, The Great White Wale, and of course, humans. We have decided to look for this predator in the beautiful waters of (THE BAHAMAS, HAWAII, FLORIDA, JAMAICA, CUBA, PUERTO RICO, MALIBU). Our ship, (THE EXPLORER, BESSIE'S BABY, ZEUS SEVEN, THE MONDRIANAC), is small but sturdy as uncommonly rough seas disturb our efforts to navigate on our map with our compass. As my able assistant Jacques is lowered into ze water in ze cage, we throw buckets of chum and blood to incite a school of sharks. We have been on ze water here in ze cage with ze chum and ze blood for several hours and have seen only ze occasional jellyfish...the crew is worried about daylight running out before we get the shot of the open jaws of the shark plowing into ze cage from under ze water. We all share in some Uzo and Russian Vodka. Finally, at nightfall, we are surrounded by a school of angry sharks fighting for chum. We are out of chum and must be careful not to get too close to ze edge of ze boat. Poor Jacques. He still has film left. I clean the skinning knife I've carried for over thirty years. Many sea creatures have met with this blade and lost. Tonight, I will cut some imported cheese with it. My career goal is to save as many of these oceanic titans as possible, understanding them and eventually communicating with them, so that man might know the secrets of creation. The next morning, we shoot passing dolphins with tranquilizer darts, so we can staple numbered tracking devices to their sensitive fins. We watch helplessly as a shark tears apart a cute seal. We are too far to see ze school of porpoises dancing and leaping in ze air, but I promise you it is a sight to behold. Ze crew splits a loaf of bread to celebrate the hard day and night's and next morning's work. We have got what we have come for, another encounter with one of nature's greatest creatures...until ze next time my friends. Has anyone seen Jaques? Copyright Viki Reed 2000 Pay Per View: Are You A Gamblin' Man? It's good to have the option of Pay Per View movies and events on cable, digital, and satellite TV; especially when Comedy Central is rerunning "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" for the 189th time. No doubt if I ever see that kooky British guy from the "Tap Light" infomercial, I'm gonna sing an Anita Baker song so HE has something horrible stuck in his head. What happened to Bob Newhart shows on Nick at Nite? Why am I forced to watch the "Beverly Hillbillies", a Lorenzo Lamas movie, how to make a chair out of a garbage can, or nothing? How did more channels come to mean more crap? This is how the cablers and satellite distributors get you. They flog you with bunches of Bradys, millionaire alkie rock-stars whining bitching about their lives, car chases less interesting than water getting warm. You might pay the $4 for a movie, but forget the wrestling events and porno, PPV was never just an alternative for those audiences. Should you hold your breath for "Waiting To Exhale" to be on HBO? Roll the dice and cough up blood to see the bloated remake of "The Haunting"? It's trial and error. You won't have any regrets about paying for "The Mummy" (unless your cable service cuts out while you're taping the movie). But two days later you feel lucky and select "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" and you realize that you just paid $4 to turn a movie off after 20 minutes, come back to it and change the channel to Fox News within 25 seconds. Maybe pornos would be worth it. Except they're costly. I don't know if "Miss Black Bikini 2000" is really worth $17.99-even if I do record it on high quality VHS tape. "Playboy Channel" Well, you do have both hands free, but you have to get so close to the TV to simulate a dirty magazine experience that your eyes take a beating as much as your johnson. Music events like "Woodstock `99" could only choke me more if I had to pay to eat their $15 pizzas. Truly inheriting the free-love-peace-anti-war sentiment, this cash-pig fest was woven with hatred of it's viewers at an over $20 PPV fee. Besides, you don't need to pay to see the penises of The Red Hot Chili Peppers. You do have the benefit of not having to return or rewind anything, except your bank account. I'm not sure why TV fans are charged an average of $50 to have the privilege of buying a box-office turd. There's only our sad addiction to good content, mixed with the nostalgia of days gone by. Those days from the 1970's-1980's; when you could stay up until 5:00 a.m. watching a gumbo-like selection of movies that range from wonderful, obscure, old, new, alternative, horror...then watch "You Bet Your Life" reruns and "The Three Stooges", then the "Monkees", then maybe if there's life left in you Phil Donohue... On principal, the best advice is to watch anything but PPV. You don't need anything that badly. Copyright Viki Reed 2000 "Honey, Is It That Time of The Month?" ...and other famous last words... Viki Reed Men have worried about being smothered or sliced by their beloved as long as birds and bees have loved each other. Guys know that some things are better left unsaid if you want to get laid and wake-up in tact. Do NOT say the following to your woman: 1. Honey is it that time of the month? This is the dumbest one because it's always that time of the month. Women have about one week in every cycle where their skin is clear, there's no cramps, no hysterics, and normal eating patterns exist. You're walking on broken glass anyway, why give her a reason to knock you down and have all that glass ground into your ass? 2. Baby, have you lost weight? Seems like a safe bet, but you couldn't be more wrong. If a woman loses weight, she will be the first to know it. She knows the depth of each stretch mark and curdle of every acre of cellulite on her body. Don't be the causation of silent, furious, low-fat dinners. 3.Wow, the house is a mess: Mess is right. Don't mess with a woman who handles your skid-marked underwear and pulls your pube hair from the shower drain. Housekeeping is volunteer work just like you're a charity case. Stay away from this subject. 4.Is that smell you? AKA: did you fart/did you shower/is that your B.O.: Is there really any question in your mind? You better hope there's a dog or cat in the room to lay blame. 5.Hey, that zit's healing; good deal!: In your woman's mind the zit is now the size of Trump Tower and she's dreaming of hurling you off the top of it. 6.Your family sucks: which would explain why she's so good at fellatio; they'll have to pick up where she left off, because now your wife won't be going near your dick. 7.You are the worst driver: she's not the one with the traffic tickets. If you value your life you'll wait until the key is out of the ignition and a few beers later before saying this. If she is the worst driver, you're the idiot in the passenger seat. Remember, 70% of all fatalities are prevented by buckling-up. 8.God, you sound JUST like your mother: now your wife will do more than send you to your room. Women don't like to be compared to other women, most especially their mothers. They're with you to piss-off their Mom, remember? 9.What happened with dinner, it's not your usual yummy meal: remember all those waiters who spit in your food, at least you've already ingested all your wives bodily fluids at some point. 10. Did you come?: "Can't you tell?! Couldn't you feel it?! Didn't you hear me?! Yes!! I did! Forget it. Thanks, see if I shave my legs tomorrow." Just keep doing it until you're sure, my friends, that's the only course of action. Copyright Viki Reed 2000 Why American Women Won't Be Mail Order Brides If there was something in it for us, we'd do it. We are the feminine culture that inspired the best selling book, "The Rules" (about how to get any man to marry you at any cost). A review of baggage involved with mail order marriage makes it easy for any American woman to leave the mail order bride industry to the Russian, Filipino, Asian, and Latinas out there. We can get around an extra few pounds on our man; even can even overlook unemployment and football. But there's a few things we can't overlook... 1. No Wedding Showers or appliance gifts. 2. Must prove to Immigration that you really do love Boris because he's a really good potato farmer and distills his own vodka. 3. Trying to discipline and train a man is hard enough without having to rely on translators. 4. There are no support groups for Mail Order Brides Who Had Their Heads Cut-Off By Their Stranger Husband. 5. Must pose for photo sessions wearing high-cropped transparent lingerie. 6. Your husband can divorce you by writing 'RETURN TO SENDER' on your forehead and mailing you back. 7. Your real weight will be posted all over the Internet. 8. You won't remember where to put all the 'Y's', 'Z's', and 'I's' in your married name.9. Who looks good in a babushka? 10. You won't have a nanny, you'll be a nanny. 11. Cultural traditions you'll likely inherit include: skinning animals; having a minimum of nine children; waiting on line for rocks; Polkas; or picking your own bananas. 12. On your first date you'll get a 'test-ride' instead of roses. 13. Two's company; polygamy means sharing more than just closet space. 14.A man who has to look outside his entire continent to find a wife that is acceptable is probably hard to please or fugly enough to be illegal. 15. Cheese and wine are imported, not your privates. 16. There's probably not a lot of entrepreneurs, doctors, or magnates shopping for a direct-shipped wife.17. "Sex Slave" looks really bad on a resume. 18. You'll have to pay $300 for a pair of Levi's from now on. 19. Your parents will never be able to figure out how to dial an international phone number and understand the concept of time-zones simultaneously.20. Flooding and revolutions really suck. 21. Is your anniversary the day you were married or the day your new husband signed the UPS man's clipboard? 22. Bride Magazine costs eighty-five dollars a copy and is seven years behind in it's subscription where you'll be going. 23. Your wedding night will be as romantic as a pap smear. Copyright by Viki Reed 2000 Viki can be reached at divilo@pacbell.net Want more of Viki? Viki page 2 Viki page 3 Viki page 4 |
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