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| RELIGOUS JOKES 1 |
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| All of the jokes on this page were part of our mailing list click here to subscribe Q) Why was Moses' mother so happy? A) She not only had fun in bed, she made a prophet.  This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers: * Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High". * Don't let worry kill you--let the church help. * Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. * For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. * Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. * Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy! * The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. * This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. * Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. * This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. * The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. * Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so. * The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. * Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. * Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. * The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. * At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. * During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit. * The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience. * The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens. * The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. * The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. * Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. * Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. * Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon. The Pope asked, "What is your sin?" "I hired people to break into the Watergate hotel." The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution." Next in line was Bill Clinton. "What was your sin, son?" "I cheated on my wife." The Philanderer in Chief replied. "Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution." A third person came up and the Pope asked, "What is your name?" "Monica Lewinsky." The Pope stroked his chin. "Hmmmm. Perhaps you should remain standing." A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, "God, are you listening?" And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here." The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?" God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you." So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder... Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?" And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little." The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?" And God replied, "In a second." Together At Last Maria is a devoted, religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but you do mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs." The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man." Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system. "My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board. Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls. "Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. "Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years." With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord. "The government already has." Bill Gates dies in an Auto accident. He finds himself being sized up by God.... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." "Well, what's the difference between the two?" Bill asks. God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay, then," says Bill. "Let me try Hell first." So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased. "This is great!" he tells God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," says God, and off they go. Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It's nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. "Hmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he tells God. "Fine," replies God. "As you desire." So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asks Bill. Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER." Cowboy & The Preacher One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him." So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..." Three guys died and went to heaven. The first one goes to St. peter and knock's on his door.... St. peter asked him two question's. "How many year's have you been married?" The first guy said, I have been married for 20 years.. St. peter then replied with, " how many times have you cheated on your wife?" He hesitated and replied, 3 times..... St. Peter wasn't very pleased to hear that. So he said to the man, "You are going to drive around in a volkswagon beetle for 40 years till you get your wing's." The man jump's in his beetle and drive's off..... The second one goes and knock's on St. Peter's door..... St. Peter ask's him the same two question's The man replies, "I have been married for 35 year's and I cheated one time." St. Peter isn't happy to hear this, but it was the best he heard all day..... St. Peter Give's the man a Cadillac to drive around for 15 year's till he get's his wing's.. The man smile's and drive's away. The third man goes and and knock's on St. Peter's door... St. Peter also asked him the same two question's. The man replies with, "I have been married for 50 year's, And I never once been unfaithful to my wife" St. Peter look's up at him and say's that is the best I have heard all day! For your faithfulness, You will drive around heaven in a Rolls Royce for 10 year's till you get your wing's. The man is so happy and jump's into his Rolls Royce and drive's away... Later that day! The first man in the beetle comes driving down the road. He notices the Rolls Royce parked and a man sitting under a tree. He pull's over and walk's up to the gentle man sitting under the tree. (The man under the tree is crying.) He ask's why are you crying? You have the best ride in heaven.... The crying man replied, "I just saw my wife pass by in a pair of roller skate's" An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake-he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" Harley Talks to God Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." Well," says Davidson, "you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. there's too much front end protrusion 2. it chatters at high speeds 3. the rear end wobbles too much, and 4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust." "Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours." The Religious Lady On The Plane There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying. Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out herBible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied the lady. The Pope was on a visit to New York to speak to the General Assembly at the UN. The Secretary General was to pick him up personally at the airport but, being detained by some crisis or another, sent his personal limo on ahead instead. The driver held up a sign that simply said "Pope" and explained to the Pope what had happened and that he was there to take him to UN headquarters and invited the Pope to sit in the back of the limo. The Pope got in and, boy, was he impressed: 9 yard leather seats, one-way tinted glass, Dom P. on ice, air conditioning, sliding sun roof, stereo, television with satellite dish, computer and fax machine, magic fingers under the seat, all of the comforts. Then the Pope saw the driver: Walkman headphones on, wrap around Raybans, leather racing gloves, elbow out the window, wind blowing in the hair,... The Pope knocked on the glass and said: "My good man, I have a proposition for you. I bet you have never sat back here before and I have never driven one of these things before so, what do you say, shall we trade places? You come back here and let me drive?" The driver resisted at first but eventually agreed. He pulled over to the curb, go out, let the Pope behind the wheel and settled in in the back with the bottle of bubbly. The Pope adjusted the mirrors, put on the headphones, turned up Tina Turner, stuck his elbow out the window and stuck his foot in it: 80 mph, 100, 120, settled in at 140 mph and flew right past a motorcycle cop. The cop switched on the overhead, gave chase and, with much difficulty, finally pulled the limo over about two miles down the road. He swaggered over to the driver side, rapped on the window and started to say: "Look buddy, what in the holy crap do you think you are ...." and he saw the Pope behind the wheel. He went back to his motorcycle and got the shift sergeant on the radio. He said: "Sarge, Mullaney here, look I have pulled over this limo here on 47th Street for speeding and we got a problem. It's a VIP". The sergeant said: "OK Mike, I understand, tell me. Just how important is he? Is he, for instance, more important than the Chief of Police?" Mullaney said: "Yes Sarge, more important than the Chief." "Alright", said the Sergeant, "is he more important than, say, the Mayor?" Mullaney said that he was even more important than that Mayor. The Sergeant asked: "The Governor?" and Mullaney answered: "Yes Sarge, more important than the Governor even." The Sergeant said: "But, surely, not more important than the Senator?" and Mullaney replied that this VIP was much more important than even the Senator. The Sergeant began to be a bit worried and asked: "God man, you didn't stop the President of the United States did you?" The cop said: "No sir I didn't, but this man is even more important than the President." The sergeant said: "More important even than the President of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA? Then tell me, who is it?" The cop said: "Well Sarge, I can't rightly say who he is but I can tell you this. His driver is the Pope!" THE BETTER PROGRAMMER Jesus and Satan had an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.They set themselves before their computers and began. They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightening strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well then, "says God "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He shutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Jesus saves." Go to Religous jokes 2 |
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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT |
LINK EM DANO |
CELEBRITY PUNCHOUT |
WEEKLY MIND PICKER |
ESP game | comment | faq | JOKE CENTER | cards | sign up | SWEEPSTAKES PAGE | trivia | cartoon | ryan | about | Dating Horror Stories |