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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
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| RELATIONSHIP JOKES 5 |
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| Call it the battle of the sexes or call it gender bashing. Whatever the name when men and woman try to cohabitate something funny is bound to happen. All of the jokes seen here were part of our 2 mailing lists to subscribe click here The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return. One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell. When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here." "Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."  A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!" Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!" The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!" The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. "Heavens," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window." The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor." "For heaven's sake," cried the young lady in exasperation, "this is no time to be superstitious?" After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?" On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom "Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. Last....if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex..." The groom replied: "OK honeycup. Just make sure that when I come home, I usually have a drink...If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more than two....your hair won't matter! Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned. A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much. Recently, he proudly told his wife he'd heard that men use 2,200 words a day, while women use 4,400. The wife pondered that a moment, then concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands." He looked up and asked, "Huh, what's that?" Lea and Tracy meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives. Tracy says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Lea replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Tracy is aghast. "Really Lea, I never would have guessed that you would go for that." "Oh, sure," says Lea, "he snores while I masturbate." A Second Opinion The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion." A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts." The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!" Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing." This redneck couple get married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says, "Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin." At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father what happened. "Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours." A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do," replied the salesman. "Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man. "A Republican," replied the salesman. "Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off. The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off. The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" shouted the salesman. "Hop in!" replied the blonde. Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?" she asks. "I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!" If you liked these jokes then please subscribe today I would also appreciate if you voted for this site here  |
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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
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