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| RELATIONSHIP JOKES 4 |
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| Call it the battle of the sexes or call it gender bashing. Whatever the name when men and woman try to cohabitate something funny is bound to happen. All of the jokes seen here were part of our 2 mailing lists to subscribe click here On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin." Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.' 'That's my boy,' said the Prince Philip, 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'  Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women." The judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce." He replied. A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce." "Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife. Knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on TV called "Cold Turkey." After about a week, I asked her how it was going... "Well, not too bad," she said, getting up off of a pillow she had on her chair and limping towards the water cooler. "I've gotten him down to about a pack a night now." Three construction workers are sitting around on lunch one day discussing how dumb their girlfriends are. The Irishman says, "My girlfriend is so dumb that it takes her over two hours to watch 60 minutes!" The Frenchman says, "That's pretty dumb, but get this -- my girlfriend thinks that Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company!" The Italian man says, "Your girlfriends are all dumb, but I got you both beat. Every year my girlfriend and I take separate vacations, and, every year she packs a box of condoms. Well, talk about stupid... she doesn't even have a penis!" A woman's idea of romance is candles and satin sheets. A man's idea of romance is "Hi Honey, I bought you some edible underwear!" A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!" They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!" Men are like .....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. Men are like....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like....Bike Helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like....Government bonds. They take so long to mature. Men are like....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Men are like....High heels They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Men are like....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. Men are like....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. Men are like....Handguns. Keep one around long enough, and you're going to want to shoot it A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth." What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him. A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Roger," she said, pointing, "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?" The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for ten years, ever since I jilted him." The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating." "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!" The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug. They make love like never before. She was SCREAMING and GYRATING and SHAKING uncontrollably and when it was over, much to her husband's surprise, she FAINTED! After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite astounded says: "Darlin, you sure never moved like that forty years ago or ANYTIME SINCE that I can remember. The women, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, says: FORTY YEARS AGO THAT DARN FENCE WASN'T ELECTRIFIED!! A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Roger," she said, pointing, "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?" The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for ten years, ever since I jilted him." The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating." As the young couple parked in a crowded lovers’ lane, she sighed romantically: "It’s lovely out here tonight. Just listen to the crickets." "Those aren’t crickets," her date replied. "They’re zippers." An Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they have for him. Sgt Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said,I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and he follows this display of prowess with the command of, "DICK, AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again). The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" His penis becomes immediately erect, and then he gives the following command,"DICK, AT EASE." The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE!" Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says,"I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!" No luck, his penis is still hard.He yells, "Damn it!!!" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!" A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a handsome man with no arms and no legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he says. "You must be mistaken," she says. "Let me explain," he says, "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away, because I don't have any legs." "But" she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something? The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!" One sunny Saturday morning three golfing buddies were about to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he could join. The friends agreed so they all four teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the lone man did for a living, and asked. The stranger told them that he was a hit man, and the golfers had a big laugh. "My rifle is in my golf bag - I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like. " So one of the skeptical golfers took a look, and sure enough, there was the rifle with a huge scope on it. The golfing buddy picked up the rifle and looked through the scope in the direction of his home and was able to see clear into the bedroom windows. He bragged to the other golfers, "There's my wife naked: she sure is fine looking!" But a second later, the golfer spots his naked neighbor in the bedroom with his sexy wife, embraced and passionately kissing. Clearly shaken, the golfer asks the hit-man how much a hit would cost. "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." "OK, I want to buy two hits, first, shoot my wife in the mouth. She nags the hell out of me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, for screwing around with my wife." The hit man takes aim with the rifle and peers through the scope. He's lingering for about five minutes when the annoyed golf partner gets impatient and asks what he's waiting for. The hit man says, "Just hold on now.....I'm about to save you a thousand bucks." "It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money." She replied. The Test A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest tits. The elderly man was at home, upstairs dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. Why? he whispered, Why did you do that? "They're for the funeral.", she replied. A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, 7 nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Halftime, switch sides." Two new additions to the periodic table of elements: * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Element Name: Woman Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don't even go there) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Element Name: Man Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69." She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings. She says, "Answer the door." He says, "But my face is a mess." She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich." The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead." A woman meets Dennis Rodman in a bar. After a few drinks they go back to his hotel room. Dennis begins to undress, removing his shirt to reveal a "Reebok" tattoo. He explains, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for the advertisement." Next he takes off his pants to reveal the word "Puma" tattooed on his leg, and he gives the same explanation. Finally, the underwear comes off and the girl sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back, screaming, "You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" Dennis says,"Relax, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS." "I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Sherri to her best friend June. "But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," June responded. "He did. That's why I have to take every precaution!" said Sherri. If you liked these jokes then please subscribe today |
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