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| RELATIONSHIP JOKES 3 |
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| Call it the battle of the sexes or call it gender bashing. Whatever the name when men and woman try to cohabitate something funny is bound to happen. All of the jokes seen here were part of our weekly mailing to subscribe click here The elderly man was at home, upstairs dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. Why? he whispered, Why did you do that? "They're for the funeral.", she replied.  A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, 7 nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?" She replies "Touchdown, tie score." The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Halftime, switch sides." "It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money." She replied. A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?" The Smiths had no children and the infertility clinic decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was scheduled to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "The man should be here soon. I don't want to be here. I'm off". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...." "No need to explain. I've been expecting you." "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith."Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!!" Mrs Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of the Fifth Avenue bus in New York City." "Oh my god!!" Mrs.Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer said. "And ! for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean over three hours....?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!" An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. YOUR LOVING HUSBAND P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?" Theflattered girl told him it was Channel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said,"You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?" "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied John : "When did you first know that you loved me?" Jane : "When I began to get mad at people who said you were stupid and ugly." Q&A Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever" Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "Here lies my husband.....stiff at last" U Superbowl Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field! About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No." Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral." A man's perspective One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!" A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!" How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time: Caress, praise, pamper, savor, massage, make plans, serenade, compliment, support, feed, bath, humor, stimulate, stroke, hug, cuddle, excite, protect, phone, smooch, sacrifice for, entertain, charm, shower, shave, trust, defend, coax, spoil, embrace, hear, understand, borrow, steal, repair, respect, entertain, calm, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, snuggle, rub, rib, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, moisturize, lather, brush, dazzle, amaze, enchant, and then go back, Jack, and do it again!! How to Satisfy a Man Every Time: Show up naked. A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you." A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife "Mother of Six"in spite of her objections. One night they attended a party. When the man decided it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife was ready to leave as well, he shouted across the room at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion, finally shouted back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" Why did Moses wander the desert for forty years? He wouldn't ask for directions Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. All the women moaning about finding a husband have obviously never had one Why do most men prefer looks to brains? Because most men see better than they think. What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower When does a man open the door of the car for his wife? A. When he has a new car. B.When he has a new wife. Why are gingerbread men the best men of all? They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off. Why did the bachelor have trouble putting his shoes on? His mother had told him to put fresh socks on everyday. What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex? "Honey! I'm home!" What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow. Why don't men eat more M & M's? They are too hard to peel. I've got a head I can't think with. An eye I can't see with, and most of all I have to hang around with two nuts all the time. My closest neighbor is an asshole, my best friend is a pussy. Worst of all is my owner beats me all the time! Why do men need instant replays on TV-sports? Because they have forgotten what happened after 30 seconds. Why is a man just like a dog? A.Both have irrational fears of vacuum cleaning. B.Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches C.Both are suspicious of the postman. Why did God create man first? Easy, He needed a rough draft. What do ceramic tiles and men have in common? If you lay them right in the beginning, you can walk over them for life. How is a man in bed like microwave food? 30 seconds and he is done. A man makes love like he drives a car... Never checks to see if you come before he pulls out. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind. What do men call pulling off a woman's panty hose? Foreplay. The Good, The Bad, The Ugly Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there Ugly: you're in them Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cross dresser Ugly:He looks better than you Good: Your son's finally maturing Bad: he's involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas A funeral service is being held in a Synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive ... She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same Synagogue, and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out..... "Watch out for the wall!!!" A man who worked for the fire department came home from work and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire department: Bell 1 rings, we all put on our coats; Bell 2 rings, we all slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we are on the truck ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1 you strip naked; Bell 2 you jump into bed; Bell 3 we are going to screw all night long!" The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1." She tookoff all her clothes; "Bell 2" she jumped into bed; "Bell 3" they began to screw... After about 2 minutes she yelled "BELL 4!!" He said "What the hell is Bell 4?" "MORE HOSE!! MORE HOSE!!" she said, "You are nowhere near the fire!!" Please Shave your beard A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!" "Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in. That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!" A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!" Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed." Forest Action A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight." The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!" A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!" On their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride left the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed."What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You better pray for endurance." If you liked these jokes then please subscribe today I would also appreciate if you voted for this site here  |
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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
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