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| RELATIONSHIP JOKES 2 |
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| Call it the battle of the sexes or call it gender bashing. Whatever the name when men and woman try to cohabitate something funny is bound to happen. All of the jokes seen here were part of our weekly mailing to subscribe click here One sunny Saturday morning three golfing buddies were about to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he could join. The friends agreed so they all four teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the lone man did for a living, and asked. The stranger told them that he was a hit man, and the golfers had a big laugh. "My rifle is in my golf bag - I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like. " So one of the skeptical golfers took a look, and sure enough, there was the rifle with a huge scope on it. The golfing buddy picked up the rifle and looked through the scope in the direction of his home and was able to see clear into the bedroom windows. He bragged to the other golfers, "There's my wife naked: she sure is fine looking!" But a second later, the golfer spots his naked neighbor in the bedroom with his sexy wife, embraced and passionately kissing. Clearly shaken, the golfer asks the hit-man how much a hit would cost. "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." "OK, I want to buy two hits, first, shoot my wife in the mouth. She nags the hell out of me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, for screwing around with my wife." The hit man takes aim with the rifle and peers through the scope. He's lingering for about five minutes when the annoyed golf partner gets impatient and asks what he's waiting for. The hit man says, "Just hold on now.....I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."  A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a handsome man with no arms and no legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he says. "You must be mistaken," she says. "Let me explain," he says, "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away, because I don't have any legs." "But" she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something? The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!" As the young couple parked in a crowded lovers’ lane, she sighed romantically: "It’s lovely out here tonight. Just listen to the crickets." "Those aren’t crickets," her date replied. "They’re zippers." An Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they have for him. Sgt Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said,I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and he follows this display of prowess with the command of, "DICK, AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again). The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" His penis becomes immediately erect, and then he gives the following command,"DICK, AT EASE." The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE!" Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says,"I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!" No luck, his penis is still hard.He yells, "Damn it!!!" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!" Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!" "What makes you say that?" thebartender inquired. "Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, "My old man's home! My old man's home!" Can't Win The beautiful Executive Assistant to the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says "Noproblem!! I buy. I buy." Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man,"I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home,I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."The man pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone,calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build." Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "I cut. I cut." Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." "I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn." The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me -- do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish....... But I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches," A man is visiting his wife in the hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened, to which the man replies, "She choked." Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago." John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?" Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself." John: "Say, you ARE a good sport." A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says,"clumsy bitch". At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye." A little kid comes running into the backyard. He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!" "Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile." This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I'll never forget that game of cards... A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!" A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup,the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die". "First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood." "Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work." "Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores." "Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress,have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed." On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So,I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?" "You're going to die," she replied. A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while, until his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail." The father yells back, "F**k you! I told you yesterday I needed more tail and you told me to go fly a kite!" Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later Bill was really worried. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill you didn't" "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." Top Ten Answers Men Would Most Like To Give To Women's Stupid Questions, But Never Will... 10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex. 9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the f***ing ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat. 8. You've got no chance of me calling you. 7. No, I won't be gentle. 6. Of course you have to swallow. 5. Well, yes actually, I do this all the time. 4. I hate your f***ing friends. 3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight. 2. I would rather watch a stick movie. 1. Eat it? It took me 10 beers to get up the courage to f*** it. Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say 10. Do you think this dress makes me look too slim? 9. You take me out too much, can't we just stay in? 8. A fake one will do. 7. You look stressed out, let me give you a blow job. 6. Have a night out with your mates, you deserve it? 5. That Pamela Anderson has a lovely body. 4. My mother is a real old bitch. 3. No, no, you buy me too much already. 2. Give it to me hard up the butt big boy, you know I love it. 1. What headache? "I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. "Has she started to neglect you?" "Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex, or says she has a headache." "So what's the problem?" "Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night,when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'" One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast. Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, "could you pass the honey honey?" to whom his wife, hands over the honey. Then, the husband from Kansas says " Could you pass the sugar sugar?" and she passes him the sugar. The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says "Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?" The Gift A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Valentine's day, but they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night." All my love. P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. What a woman says: This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now! What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW! Go to page 3 If you liked these jokes then please subscribe today I would also appreciate if you voted for this site here  |
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