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TAMI'S PAGE |
| ALL MEANT IN GOOD SPIRIT FOR MY SPECIAL FRIEND |
| A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh .. 22!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top Of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!" This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!" The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just Out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to Work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but What were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....'"  Two Blonde farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the same price they'd paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started with. "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy. "What's the matter?" asks John. "Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges." "What's the picture of?" asks John. "It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy. "All right," says John, "I'll come over and have a look." So he goes over to Buffy's house. Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the cornflakes back in the box." A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)." She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday." A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it" Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart" Someone Should Give Him Head & Sholders A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor. Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?" A Blonde Easter Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." New Image This blond decided to dye her hair brown, then to celebrate her new image, she took a motor trip across country. Way out in the sticks she came across a farmer leaning against a fence post, watching his large flock of sheep. "I need a pet," she decided, stopping the car. She walked over to the farmer and asked, "If I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock will you give me one? I'd like a pet." The farmer agreed. The gal looked over the flock for a few seconds, then declared, "You have 253 sheep here." "That absolutely correct," the amazed farmer stated. "I'll keep my end of the bargain. You pick one of the sheep for your pet." She did and as she was getting back into her car, the farmer approached her. "I've got a proposition for you, Miss. If I can guess the true color of your hair, will you give me back my dog?" ************************************************ The Blonde and the Final The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating it out.During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am rechecking my answers." On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this. "He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York." NOT ONE, BUT TWO BLONDES: Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit 'em. So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side." A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One Day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it." THE BLONDE HUSBAND: A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on here?' he says."I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes on!"The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.Sure enough,there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You IDIOT!!!," says the husband, 'my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids! Nancy the blonde goes to the gynecologist and he examines her. He says, "You have acute vaginitis." She says, "Thank you." A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" A blonde (named Judi) and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. Judi bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so Judi gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". Judi said "No. A bet's a bet". So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money". Judi replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!" Two Blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." The second Blonde said, "Let me look!" The first Blonde handed her the compact. The second Blonde looked in the mirror and said, "You dumb shit, it's me!" Once a blonde went to get her hair cut, but she was wearing headphones. The stylist said, "You gotta take off your headphones or I can't cut your hair!" The blonde said, "No! I can't! I'll just DIE without them!" So the stylist just sighed, and cut the ends of her hair until she fell asleep, the stylist said to herself, "I'll just take these off her to cut her hair. She won't notice." So the stylist did just that. After about 3 minutes, the blond fell out of the chair, dead. The stylist said, "I wonder what could have possibly killed her?! Maybe it had something to do with the headphones." She took the blonde's headphones and put them on her own head, just to see what was playing. The headphones where repeating, "Breath in, Breath out." A blonde friend of mine was getting real tired of hearing blonde jokes, so she decided to do something about it. In order to prove that not all blondes were stupid, she spent a couple of days studying a United States map and memorized all the capitols for all the states. The next time she was with a group of people, someone started telling a blonde joke. "Hey", she said, "not all blondes are stupid and I can prove it. Give the name of any state and I'll tell you it's capitol." "Vermont," someone called out. "V," she replied with a smile. Last week while I was out on the West Coast, my boss and I stopped by a super market in Palo Alto/Mt. View to get some fruit. I got in line with this blonde cashier, paid for my groceries and commented to the teenage boy bagging my purchases that I really look forward to California because the fruit is so much better than the stuff on the East Coast. He smiled and nodded, and I picked up my bag and left. A few minutes later my boss, who was behind me in line, came out and related the following story: The young Mexican boy who was bagging asked "Where's the East Coast?" Replied the blonde checkout girl, with her nose in the air, "You know, the East coast. Out east, by the Atlantic Ocean." "Oh, I see. What are some of the states?" The blonde, who seemed to be getting frustrated at having to deal with such an ignorant person, replied in a really condescending tone, "You know, New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Long Island...." A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house." A blond man bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain." The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain," she says. The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building." A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked. "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it." Replied the blond. "Did you drop it right here?" asked the cop. "No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here." A blonde phone police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake." |
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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
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