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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
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LINK EM DANO |
CELEBRITY PUNCHOUT |
WEEKLY MIND PICKER |
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| The Leftovers 7 |
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| All of these jokes were part of our mailing list click here to subscribe Who Has The Best Memory? Three guys are debating who has the best memory. First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class." Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."  A woman is walking down the street wearing a fur coat. Another woman walking by stops her and says,"Do you know how many animals had to die for you to have that coat?!" The other woman says, "Do you know how many animals I had to sleep with to get this coat?!" The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat And Overcoat." Meyer did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Barney, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook. Finally Barney said, "You, dope...stop watching our overcoats." "I'm only watching mine," replied Meyer. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour." One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"The waiter replied, " Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls' balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Sen. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter promptly replied, "Si senior!" Sometimes the bull wins! Morris was applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the railroad. The chief engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" Morris quickly answered..... "Well, I'd call my brother." The chief engineer just sat there for a second. "WHY would you call your brother???" "He's never seen a train wreck before." A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it.Fifty one People swindled." A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nobody in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35". He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches". Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night". Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street. The moral of this story is "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed". Harvey pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Harvey recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Brian. "Yes, It was OK until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?" "Baaaaaaa." A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili." "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?" The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it." So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too." Two Canadians are sitting in a bar, and getting bored. They decide to play 20 questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a word and after a little pondering come up with the word---moosecock. The second Canadian tries his first question, "Is it something good to eat?" The first guy thinks a moment then laughs and replies "Sure, I suppose you could eat it." The second Canadian says,"Is it a moosecock?" A man with a 25-inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long. "Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replies. "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you out." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25-inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter." The man's face lights up and he dashes off into the forest. He calls out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looks at him dejectedly and replies, "NO!" The man looks down and suddenly his penis is 5 inches shorter. "Wow," he screams out loud, "This is great!!" But he is still too long at 20 inches, so he asks the frog again." "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouts. The frog rolls its eyes back in its head and screams back, "NO!" The man feels another twitch in his penis, looks down, and it's another 5 inches shorter. The man laughs, "This is fantastic." He looks down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflects for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looks across the pond and yells out, "Frog, will you marry me?" The frog looks back across pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, and for the last time, NO! A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks & 500+ piranhas in it. "I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool." So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool is a man and swimming as hard as he can, with fins flashing out of the water and jaws snapping but this guy just keeps on going. Just as the sharks are gaining on him the guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" the millionaire asks. The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!" The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave. The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house. "Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep" "Great,now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed." Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. One day a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!" The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. As if the Health Inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest. Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen."That's nothing," said the manager, "you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!" A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir. So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week." The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him. The leathersmith presented him a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon. The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase." Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. . . size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said,"Let's see . . .. 34 sleeve and . . .. 18 1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . . " The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . . 9 1/2.. . wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right , how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe was feeling great,when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure . . . " The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see the plant manager, and told him, "When I buy a $50,000 car I expect the damn radio to work." The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff. He got back into the car and said "Country music," and Willie Nelson started singing. "Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. "Easy listening," he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator. Finally relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and listening to smooth sounds. Then a pickup truck with two good ol' boys almost ran him off the road. "STUPID REDNECKS!" he screamed. The radio immediately blurted out, "TOUCHdooooooooown Ohioooooo Staaaate!!!!" |
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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT |
LINK EM DANO |
CELEBRITY PUNCHOUT |
WEEKLY MIND PICKER |
ESP game | comment | faq | JOKE CENTER | cards | sign up | SWEEPSTAKES PAGE | trivia | cartoon | ryan | about | Dating Horror Stories |