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| The Leftovers 6 |
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| All of these jokes were part of our mailing lists click here to subscribe A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!" The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that??"  It's graduation day for the all-black Bedford Stuyvesant High School, and the kids are all getting diplomas except for Rodney. He's their star basketball player, who could have gotten a full scholarship to go to any school in the country, but since he didn't pass enough classes, he wasn't even going to graduate. As the diplomas are being handed out, Rodney shows up, and all the kids start chanting, "Give Rodney a chance, give Rodney a chance." So the principal says, "Okay, Rodney. If you can answer this question, I gonna gives you a diploma and you's can graduate. What am three plus two?" Rodney says, "Eight." The principal says, "No, dat am de wrong answer. You can't gets a diploma, and you's can't graduate." The crowd chants, "Give Rodney another chance, give Rodney another chance." The principal says, "Okay, Rodney. I'm gonna axe you another question. If you can answer it, you can gets a diploma and you's can graduate. What am five minus one?" Rodney says, "Two." The principal says, "Sorry, Rodney, dat am de wrong answer. You can't gets a diploma and you's can't graduate" The crowd chants, "Give Rodney another chance, give Rodney another chance." The principal says, "Okay, Rodney, this am your last chance. I'm gonna axe you one more question. If you can answer it, you can gets a diploma and you's can graduate. What am three times three?" Rodney says, "Nine." The crowd pauses...and then they start chanting, "Give Rodney another chance...give Rodney another chance..." The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!! Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem. Lorena Bobbitt moved to Russia, and after a few months, she told a friend that she really liked Russia and would like to change her name. Her friend asked her to what, and she replied: "Natasha." "That's a nice Russian name," said the friend, "what about a last name?" Lorena: "How about Kutchurcockoff?" A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "O.K. kid show me what you do". The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent. "Great kid! Just great!" says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (this was the early sixties) "By the way, what's your name?" The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian". "'Scuse me?" questions the agent. "My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man. "Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian". Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent. A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?" With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it". "Great kid, great! What's your new name?" "Dick Van Dyke." Pete and John were driving home across the desert, and they were in need of some fuel. They passed a sign that said, "Free sex with fill-up." "Hey," said Pete, "I've heard of that. Let's try it." So they stopped. "Can I help you?" "Yeah, fill 'er up" A few minutes later: "That'll be $18.50, please." "Hey, wait a minute, your sign says free sex with fill-up." "Oh, why yes it does, but it is conditional. I am thinking of a number between one and twenty, what is it?" John: "Five." Pete: "Eight." "No, I'm sorry gentlemen, it was two. Well, better luck next time." The two guys left and were a bit perturbed. "Aw man, we were ripped off!" said John. "Nah," said Pete, "I don't think so, last week my wife went in there twice and won both times!" PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71 Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins,Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife, They have two children and one inthe oven. The funeral was held at 2:25 for 20 minutes. =- If You Love Something -=- If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, It will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free..... You either married it or gave birth to it. An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada. The receptionist stared at him. "You gottabe in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?" "Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you got forty-five girls ready 'n' able?" The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?" "I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid." "How old are you, Pop?" she asked. "Ninety-two," he replied. "Ninety-two? Pop, you've HAD it!" "Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?" Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist. "Please fill this immediately," she asked. "I've got people waiting in my car!" A guy and a gal meet in an elevator. The guy asks, "Which floor?" The gal says, "Third floor." The guy reads the list of offices on the wall and says, "Oh, going to give blood, I see." She says, "Yup, it's worth $30.00. Which floor are you going to?" He replies, "Sixth." She says, "Oh, that's the sperm bank!" He nods and says, "Right! and it's worth $60.00!" A couple of weeks later, the same two meet in the elevator again. The guy says, "Third floor again?" The gal, mouth tightly closed, cheeks puffed out, shakes her head and holds up 6 fingers. In honor of getting older I offer you this: To Whom it May Concern: I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So....here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause..... Tag! You're it." This guy has had an awful week. Things go from bad to worse. So come Friday he takes himself to a bar for a drink or three. Very soon, he's approached by someone selling raffle tickets for a meat-tray. "Why not" he thinks and takes three tickets. And duly wins! "Ah, something to throw on the barbecue at the weekend" he thinks, his spirits lifting a little. Next someone comes by selling raffle tickets in a seafood platter. He buys three tickets... and wins again! Starting to feel rather more cheerful he walks over to a poker machine and starts playing. Within a few minutes he gets a $5,000 jackpot. And then a $1,000. His luck is changing. By now there is only one seat left at the bar, so he takes it and finds himself sitting next to a simply GORGEOUS Indian lady. Soon, they start chatting, before too long they're getting on famously, and later he persuades her to go home with him. They have a wonderful night together. The morning sun streaks into the bedroom, the guy slowly wakes and looks at his beautiful companion, still fast asleep. He notices one of those cast dots on her forehead and his curiosity gets the better of him. He scratches it and guess what!? HE WINS A CAR! Speaking of travels, I heard that when Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him. "Not here!" they said. ...very confusing. Until ol' Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night,and Marc was very impressed! But still he wondered, "Why here?" At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks. Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, ... We always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai" Cinderella was all upset she couldn't go to the ball. But then,her fairy godmother appeared and said "You can go to the ball on two conditions." "Great! I'll do anything!" said Cinderella. "Ok" said the fairy godmother "The first condition is...you have to wear a diaphragm" "No problem" said Cinderella. "The second condition," continued the fairy godmother, "if you're not home by midnight, you diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin" "Yikes" said Cinderella, "I'll be home by midnight". So midnight comes and goes, and finally it's 3 am. Cinderella is just getting home, looking extremely satisfied. "Where have you been?! Your diaphragm should've turned into a pumpkin hours ago!" said her fairy godmother. "I met a man",said Cinderella. "His name was Peter peter something or other..." Scott and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant." "How did you answer that last one?" asked Scott. "I thought it was tough at first... then I thought of Superintendent." "I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist." A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cart wheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says: "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" The other bum says: "Well, I don't know. Let me ask him." He then turned to Willie and shouted: "Hey Willie! For $50, would you chop off another toe?" Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be open and pockets the quarter. Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Izzy goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him. After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter." "Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!" The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The medical man examined him and backed away, saying: "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal." "Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman. "Do you want to write your will?" "No,I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite." Go to page 7 |
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