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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT |
LINK EM DANO |
CELEBRITY PUNCHOUT |
WEEKLY MIND PICKER |
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| The Leftovers 5 |
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| All of these jokes were part of our mailing lists click here to subscribe One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do." "Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."  A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room." Three French legionnaires were crossing the desert. One looked up and saw a mirage ad said. "By Gar!" The second looked up and say the mirage and said, "By Gar!" The third looked up and said, "Gee, a two gar mirage." World chess champion Garry Kasparov, who lost a tournament two years ago to a computer, now is taking on the Internet. Kasparov has cut a deal with Microsoft to play a match this summer against a "world team'' made up of anyone who comes to a Microsoft Internet site and votes for suggested moves against the Russian grandmaster... Number one requested move: "Take off your pants..." A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket-if he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc. But to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to hail a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he eventually reached his old 'friend' at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "Okay," and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. John and Mary were walking along the shore one Sunday afternoon when they spotted a dock projecting into the harbor. They decided to walk to the end of the dock and sit down to rest . Mary, in her infinite boredom, suggested to John, "While we walk to the end of the dock, why don't you count the number of slats used to build it, and I'll count the number of slits between the slats?'' John replied, "O.K., I will count the slats, and you will count the slits.'' So the couple merrily trooped down the dock. John counted, "One slat!'' Mary counted, "One slit!'' "Two slats!'' "Two slits!'' And, well, you know how the natural numbers work. Eventually John and Mary approached the end of the dock. "327 slats!'' "327 slits!'' "328 slats!'' They had reached the end of the dock. Mary was puzzled. "John, there are no more slits. What does it mean?'' John turned to Mary and said, . . . "When you're out of slits, you're out of pier." A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as Mayor of Key West, Florida. After the election results were in, a horde of reporters surrounded him and began asking him questions on how he won. A young reporter walked up to him and said, " Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies... I even heard that you kissed a parakeet. " The Mayor replied, "That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeet... I kissed a Cock-or-two." A young Southern peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked. "Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly. "Look, I'll give you a raise." "No," she said. "You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me." "Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look, I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you... "Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear, it's nature. Look, I have it, too...." "Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well." The Angry Husband And The Pharmacist Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before the could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is till ringing - when I came up cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!! THREE STIFFS: There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking. The celery says, "Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and store me in the icy fridge!" Then the carrot responds, "You think you got it bad? They chop me up and stick me in HOT water!" Then the dick says, "Yeah, well, I've got it the worst. They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!" There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half... The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for? A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes your nose look too long." A baby was born and was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" He asked. "Yes,I am", the doctor replied. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born, " he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger five times saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!!!!!!!" After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia, where the people are much smarter, to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. A man was tired of the city life so he decided to move way out in the country where he would have all the room and privacy that he needed. His house was at least 35 miles from everything and everyone. No one ever came to visit and he never went to visit anyone. After about the sixth month at his new home, he began to get a little lonesome and wondered if he'd really made the right move. That evening while he sat in his rocking chair on his front porch, he noticed someone walking along his long, secluded driveway towards his house. He quickly approached the strange man and asked what he needed. The stranger stated that he was a neighbor that lived just beyond the far hill and that he was having a party that night and would like to invite him. The man quickly accepted the neighbors offer and was relived to finally have some company. Before the neighbor left, he told the man, "You better let me warn you about something. At this party, there's probably going to be some drinking." The man said, " Well that's all right, I like to do some drinking." The neighbor said," and there's probably going to be some fighting." The man said, " That's, OK too, and like to do a little fighting." Then the neighbor said, " and after the drinking and fighting, there's probably going to be some sex." The man said, "Nothing wrong with a little sex, now is there?" The neighbor told the man to be there at 7:00 and started to leave when the man yelled, "hey I'll bring the beer. How much do we need?" The neighbor yelled back, " Oh, just a couple of six packs will do. It'll just be the two of us." A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says, "Look momma...I'm a white boy." His mama slaps him hard on the face and says, "Boy go show your daddy." The boy goes into the living room and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy." His daddy slaps him on the face too and says, "Boy, go show your grandma." So the boy goes to see his grandma and says, "Look Granny, I'm a white boy." She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "Well, did you learn something from all of this?" The boy shakes his head and says, "I sure did. I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people." A man is in court for murder and the judge says "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." Then a voice at the back of the court says,"You bastard." Then the judge continues,"you are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer." Again the voice at the back of the court says, "You God damned bastard." The judge says, "Sir, I can understand your anger in this crime, but we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt!! Now is that a problem?" Then the man at the back of the court stand up and responds, "Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard! And every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!" Over The Hill? Women are the easiest to tell when they hit 40. You just count the rings under their eyes. For men, you're middle aged if your crowd considers you sexy just because you still have hair. Men and women know they've reached middle age when they notice kids are getting noisier and the latest music is getting worse. Anybody who can remember when "boobs" meant "the dumb kids" surely qualifies for middle age. Ain't it hell though to reach your "September Years" and discover that you blew the best of July and August. And ain't it funny how when you're 50, suddenly 60 doesn't sound all that old anymore. I'd love to know what part of the body whoever said "Life begins at forty" was referring to -- seems to me that every damn thing else is starting to wear out then. Middle age is usually reckoned at between 40 - 60. It's easy to tell when you hit there though, regardless of age, by the way it hits ya back. You younger people out there -- wait until the first time your kids or Grandkids reveal that they are studying in "history class" events you lived through. What Went Wrong?? ?? This is the story of four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, And Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, But Nobody did it. Somebody got angry because it was Somebody's job. Everybody thought that Somebody would do it. But Nobody asked Anybody. It ended up that the job wasn't done And Everybody blamed Everybody, When actually Nobody asked Anybody. Go to page 6 If you enjoyed these jokes then why not sign up now. I would also appreciate your support for this site  |
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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT |
LINK EM DANO |
CELEBRITY PUNCHOUT |
WEEKLY MIND PICKER |
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