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| The Leftovers |
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| All of these jokes were part of our mailing lists click here to subscribe A Guy goes into the store and says to the clerk, I would like some Polish Sausage. The clerk looks at him and says "Are you Polish?" The guy says "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German??" Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? The clerk says "Well, no." The guys says "WELL, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????" The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."  A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor." A farmer had 3 lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up. The first boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going steady, is she ready?" The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way. The second boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way. The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the door and said: "Hi, I'm Chuck" The farmer shot him. Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!" Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he can go to see it. A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theater where the picture is playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever; group sex, S&M, golden showers ... and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action. Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music." The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just here to see our dog." Passed into the House and Senate and signed into law by the Governor on May 1st, 1999. It became effective upon it's passage as an emergency measure. CHAPTER 1 OF THE GENERAL LAWS SECTION 1- Being An Asshole In The Nighttime Whoever, without right, or as otherwise provided by law, impersonates, mimics, simulates, pretends or otherwise acts as an anal orifice in a public place or any place where the public has a right of access as licensees or invitees, in the nighttime, and so annoying other members of the public, shall be punished by not less than one swift kick, nor more than three good whacks upside the head. Any person found in the act of being an asshole in the nighttime may be arrested by a police officer without a warrant and held until sober or until such time that he realizes he is an asshole in the nighttime and takes appropriate measures to change the situation. The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this." So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done." So the Pope headbutts her. I went to a strip mall the other day. Let me tell you, I was disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes. A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks,"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshh Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" young man asks himself Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh!It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?" But again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh, Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my god! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders... from your side-view mirror..." Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State building. One turns to the other and says, "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." First Man: "No, it's true; let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." 1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again", and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well, what the hell; it works. I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat'. Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk." Mating Calls There were two Indians and Joe walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up this hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave. Joe was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something. "No", said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you. Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes. Joe started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!" Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave. The next day, in the newspaper, the head lines read: NEKKID GUY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!!! An old woman in the West Virginia hills received a letter from her grandniece, who'd gone off to the big city to seek her fortune. Puzzled by the writing and the contents, she read to her husband, "Judi says here that she's got her- self a job in a . . . a . . . a . . . well, it must be a *message* parlor." "I reckon city folks must leave word there fer their neighbors and kinfolk. Them not having back fences and all," her husband said. "Does Judi say how much they's a payin' her?" "Well, that's the part I can't make out. For the life of me ,Paw, she says she gets some $35 for a hand delivered message and $60 if she *blows* it to them!" A woman goes into the small-town hardware store and tells the owner she needs a drawer pull handle to replace a broken one. He gets out one that matches her description and asks her "You wanna screw for that?" And she thinks a minute, glances around, and replies, "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there." A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went to check it out. A few days later, the local Sheriff came out looking for the missing politicians, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer if he knew where all the politicians had gone. The farmer said, "I buried 'em all out back." The Sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie." A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day. "What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words." A Scotsman, upon finishing his business in the outhouse, was pulling up his pants when a quarter slipped from his pocket, bounced once on the lid, and fell into the hole. Peering ruefully into the hole, he muttered to himself, "For a quarter, Nae." Upon which, he reluctantly withdrew another quarter from his pocket, let it fall into the hole to join the first, and remarked as he descended, "But for 50 cents, aye!" For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head." go to Page 2 3 4 5 If you enjoyed these jokes then why not sign up now. 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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT |
LINK EM DANO |
CELEBRITY PUNCHOUT |
WEEKLY MIND PICKER |
ESP game | comment | faq | JOKE CENTER | cards | sign up | SWEEPSTAKES PAGE | trivia | cartoon | ryan | about | Dating Horror Stories |