 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS
SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT
LINK EM DANO
CELEBRITY PUNCHOUT
WEEKLY MIND PICKER
ESP game
AWARDS
comment
faq
JOKE CENTER
cards
sign up
SWEEPSTAKES PAGE
trivia
cartoon
viki
ryan
about
Dating Horror Stories
|
|
|
PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT |
LINK EM DANO |
CELEBRITY PUNCHOUT |
WEEKLY MIND PICKER |
ESP game | comment | faq | JOKE CENTER | cards | sign up | SWEEPSTAKES PAGE | trivia | cartoon | ryan | about | Dating Horror Stories |
| ||||||
| LIST HUMOR |
 |
REJECTED DR. SEUSS BOOKS 1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch,You Bitch 2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert 3. Fox In Detox 4. Who Shat in the Hat? 5. Horton Hires a Ho 6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax 7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day 8. Your Colon Can Moo - Can You? 9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil 10. The Cat in the Blender 11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out! 12. Are You My Proctologist? 13. Yentl the Lentil 14. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket 15. Aunts in My Pants 16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff! 17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm 18. The Grinch's Ten Inches  Top 10 reasons e-mail is like a penis: 10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off. 9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy." 6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun. 4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. 3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a penis.... 1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind. "How to Be Annyoing" Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". Drum on every available surface. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. Order a side order of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. Honk and wave to strangers. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music" Leave someone's printer in "compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape" mode. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner in pennies. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. Write "X-BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. Light road flares on a birthday cake. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". Push all the flat Lego pieces together really tightly. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Drive half a block. Name your dog "Dog". Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. Ask people what gender they are. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a real hoot. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Lie obviously about such trivial things as the time of day. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Change your name to Jane Aaaaaaaasmith for the great glory of being the first person in the phone book. Claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "A". Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Chew on pens that are borrowed. Sing along at the opera. Mow your lawn with scissors. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy". Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket". Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture". Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Do not add any inflection to end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more at any moment. Never make eye contact. Never break eye contact. Signal a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Invite lots of people to others people's parties. 100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing Don't call, ever. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself. Lie. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike" If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregnant, will you go out with me? Drink Vernors. Play with yourself. Talk about it. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault. Lie. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will think you have no penis. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality." If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name with urine. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1. Say things like "Wha...?" Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks. Lie. Deny everthing. Everything. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me." If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know. Don't have a clue. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it. No means yes. Yes means no. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship. Feelings? What feelings? Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant." Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradicate all of them from the planet. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day." Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right. Lie. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle. Lie. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry or you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining. Lie. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity. You are male, therefore you are superior. Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you. Don't ever notice anything. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality. Lie. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway? If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know." Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud. Lie. General Rule: Different is BAD. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?" Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend. Lie. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then." Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.) If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top. Practice your blank stare. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass. If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, baby, I was BORN like this!" Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies. Beer. Then more beer. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people. One word: FOOTBALL! Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we??? Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang". LIE. SADISTIC DAY BRIGHTENERS - CHEER UP!! There's a yuppie somewhere who just pulled a hamstring in one of those sissy aerobics classes. Your neighbors drink better beer than you, but they voted for Clinton, and now they have to face the mirror with shame every morning. Remember that nasty old nun who used to hit your knuckles with a ruler? She's 75 years old now, and she has arthritis. If your woman isn't faithful, you're not alone. Don't forget that even Popeye was two-timed by Olive Oyl (in almost every episode, in fact!) The worse things get,... the less you have to lose! You'll be happy to know that your local newspaper is made of 50% recycled material. (That's 1% recycled paper; 49% recycled news articles.) Miss Manners has finally been discredited. It's rude to tell other people what to do! Sigmund Freud has been discredited, too. It's lewd to tell other people about their poo. Every three minutes, somewhere in America a suburban housewife backs the family car through the garage door. No matter how bad things get, your folks still have your old bedroom ready, and you're welcome to go back home. The time you spent reading this could've been spent more productively. But you're not bothered because you're one of those well-adjusted people who really doesn't care about anything. Top Ten Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day: 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6 Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time! 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too. And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina... 1. Finally find that damned G-spot. Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day: 10. Climb the corporate ladder a hell of a lot faster! 9. Get a blow job. 8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. 5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem. 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as awkward or funny as it looks. 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis... 1. Repeat number 9. |
|
. |
| Visitors: 02370 |
|
PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT |
LINK EM DANO |
CELEBRITY PUNCHOUT |
WEEKLY MIND PICKER |
ESP game | comment | faq | JOKE CENTER | cards | sign up | SWEEPSTAKES PAGE | trivia | cartoon | ryan | about | Dating Horror Stories |