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| LAWYER JOKES |
| All of the jokes on this page were part of our 2 mailing list click here to subscribe The Lawyer's Creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. Q: Saddam Hussein and a lawyer are buried neck deep in sand, who do you kick in the teeth first?? A: Hussein, Business before pleasure. Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it? A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A: Take your foot off his head. Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his rear end.  A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut. A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. “Hi Dan!" A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, 'What is it, honey?' He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious. 'what are you doing, honey?' she asked. 'I'm looking for loopholes!' he shouted. One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; You must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?" And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls... you must be a lawyer." This lawyer was so fanatical about his golf game that he played every day. One morning after he had completed the 1st hole and was just about to tee off on the 2nd, he noticed the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting alone on the 1st green. The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the 2nd tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish together. She agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer. When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that not only was he a lawyer, he was also an excellent cook and a wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted his invitation and off they went. Back at the house, the lawyer cooked a fabulous meal. They enjoyed the good food, good drink and conversation. After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. He then asked her if she would like to play golf again the next morning, to which she agreed. Once again, they enjoyed a great game, a fantastic meal, and once more the lawyer received sensational oral sex. This went on for 3 weeks and the lawyer finally said, 'Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic but there's only so much oral sex a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?' 'We can't,' said the woman. 'Why not?' cried the lawyer. 'Because I'm a transvestite' replied the woman. 'YOU BITCH!' screamed the lawyer. 'I CAN'T BELIEVE you've been playing off THE LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST 3 WEEKS!' What My Daddy Does A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a Doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a Professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!" The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening. When she told him what Little Johnny had said, he told her, "Actually,.... I'm an attorney, but how I'm I supposed to explain that to a seven year old???" A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest. I got him with the door! Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments? 1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats. 2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers. 3. There are some things a rat just won't do. Lawyer Jokes! Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? A: Your honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator. Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys! Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water. Q: What is the definition "lucky break?" A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat. Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print. Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish. Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? A: Both have about a 1-in-3 million chance of becoming a human being. Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetery Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives? A: Their personalities. Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on. Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn. In a recent study, the government administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller. Researchers are at a loss to explain. Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine," asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what the man has to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans." "Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'" A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle- aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot," he replied. "That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer. Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No," replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care." "I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street." "Well," said the farmer, "in Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law.'" "Never heard of it," said Johnny. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours." Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said. So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn," said Johnny. "Aww, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck." An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money." LAW AS IT SHOULD BE One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $50.00 to spend the night with this woman." To their surprise the young lady overheard the remark and turning around she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a pleasant voice and a neat appearance, so, after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man presented her with $25.00. As he prepared to leave she demanded the rest of the money stating "If you don't give me the money I'll sue you for it." He laughed saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant in a law suit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented." In court after the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honour, my client, this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specific length of time for the sum of $50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only $25.00 which is only half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was somewhat altered from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your Honour, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labour being performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property adequately compensated for rental of said property. We therefore, ask judgement be not granted." The young lady's lawyer come back was this: "Your Honour: My client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However, had the defendant not known the well existed, he would never have rented the property, also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore, ask that judgement be granted." She got judgement. "So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant,"you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor. "It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!" An attorney was driving through the country side when his car failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his surprise it started and he headed for the nearest town for a permanent repair. To celebrate his success he lit up a cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He stuck his arm out the window hoping the wind at 50 miles per hour would put it out. He was promptly pulled over by a local constable who after finding out that the man was a lawyer, promptly gave him a ticket for an illegal use of a firearm. A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it." |
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