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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
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| KID JOKES 2 |
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| All of the jokes seen here came from our mailing lists. Click Here to subscribe. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."  A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..." Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished." Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!" Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?" Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to be real nice and spend a couple of hours playing first!" A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!" A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army men in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army men be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup." On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help? A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute." After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?" A first grader comes home and announces to his father that he had sex with his teacher. Well, his father's chest just swells with pride and he says to his son, "I was a freshman in college before I had sex with my teacher. I'm very proud of you son. You know that bicycle that you've been wanting for so long? I'm going to take you out and buy it for you today!" His son says, "Well if it's all the same to you dad, I'd rather go tomorrow. My butt's still sore." The maitre d' of a fashionable restaurant looked up and saw three little girls standing in the waiting area. They were dressed in their mother's clothes, had on high-heeled shoes and were wearing lots of make-up. The lunch crowd hadn't started to arrive yet so he decided to treat them like regular guests just to see what they were up to. He seated them at a table and asked what they would like to order. The first little girl ordered a martini, the second one asked for a margarita and the third one said, "I'd like to have a douche ...my mother says they're very refreshing." Little Johnny comes home from school one night and asks his dad for help with his homework- he says "Dad, whats the difference between potential and reality". His dad thinks for a while then says " I tell you what boy. I think the easiest way to demonstrate this would be for you to go ask the rest of the family if they would sleep with brad pitt for a million dollars" so little johnny goes off to his mum, and asks her "Mum, would you sleep with brad pitt for a million dollars?". Mrs Johnny replies "who", and once little johnny explains who brad pitt is, Mrs johnny sighs and says "i guess for a million, I'd sleep with him" Then Little Johnny asks his sister "would you sleep with brad pitt for a million dollars" His sister immediately says "would I?, Hell yeah, I'd sleep with him- I'd be his love slave right now if I had the choice" Then little Johnny asks his brother "Bro, would you sleep with brad pitt for a million bucks?" His brother says "no way". And little johnny says "not even for a million bucks?". His brother thinks for a while, and eventually agrees that for a cool million, he'd sleep with brad pitt. Little Johnny goes back to his dad, who says to him "well son, do you understand the difference between potential and reality now?" Little Johnny says "Yeah, i think i do. Potentially we're sitting on 3 million bucks. In reality we're living with two sluts and a poofer. Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few minutes passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" The startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied. A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. The Child asks "Mother, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment the mother says "Well dear....a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex." The child looks puzzled so the Mother continues "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child replies "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into yours and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" The Mother says "Jewelry, dear." During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!" The loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marvelled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up." It was the first day of second grade and the new teacher had only the children's last names. She said "Adams" and a little girl said "Susie". The teacher said, "Brown" and the little boy said "Thomas". Teacher said, "Cook" and the boy said, "Snotnose". She threatened to send him to the Principal. She repeated, "Cook" and he said, "Snotnose". The teacher said "Out you go until you come back with a note from your parents indicating your given first name". Snotnose packed his books and as he was leaving the room, he turned to his friend and said, "Come on Shithead! She'll NEVER believe you!" Articles in "Girl Scout Cosmopolitan" The New "Tripp" Badge: Tips on Taping Your Friends' Phone Calls Den Mothers Who Spank -- and the Scouts Who Like It! The 5 Warning Signs of Cooties Love Across The Lake: Am I Just Another Badge On His Sash? Good Girls Get Badges, Bad Girls Get Mink Oxy-*50*? It's closer than you think! The Cookie Makeover: Thinner Mints in 7 Days Real-Life Adventures: "I Slipped the Tongue to a Really Cute Guy While Giving Him CPR" How To Tell If Your Scoutmaster Watches "Ellen" Give Him S'More: Make-out Tips That'd Make Your Troop Leader Blush! I Was a 78-lb Tub of Lard Locating Your "Gee, I'll Sell Cookies Here" Spot A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?" "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father. "Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?" One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy." Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Antonio, what'd you learn in school today?" Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation." Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up to his room, crying. Antonio's mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?" Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He started talking about sex, and penises, and masturbation!" Antonio's mother said, "Ma! That's what they do learn. It's called sexeducation!" Well, Grandma felt so bad about hitting Antonio that she went upstairs to apologize. She opened his door and found him masturbating on his bed. She then said, "Antonio, when you're finished with your homework, come down and talk to me." Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter." The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy." A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter." "That's right!" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?" A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked. "Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'. Bedtime Prayers One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." The father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or so later, the father again heard his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day, the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation. Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day." "You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on our front porch this morning!" The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead." A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend." |
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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT |
LINK EM DANO |
CELEBRITY PUNCHOUT |
WEEKLY MIND PICKER |
ESP game | comment | faq | JOKE CENTER | cards | sign up | SWEEPSTAKES PAGE | trivia | cartoon | ryan | about | Dating Horror Stories |