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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT |
LINK EM DANO |
CELEBRITY PUNCHOUT |
WEEKLY MIND PICKER |
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| KID JOKES 1 |
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| All of the jokes seen here came from our 2 mailing lists. Click Here to subscribe. One family was visiting another in a different state. The little boy who was Jewish and the young blonde girl, a Catholic, decided to go swimming in a near by stream. Not having thier swim suits with them, they decided to "skinny dip". After swimming in the nude for a while, they were resting on the bank. The girl couldn't help but notice the anatomical difference and said, "Gee, I didn't know there was such a difference between Catholics and Jews!"  A 7 Year old boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched the plan. "When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say "Hell" and you say "Fat-Ass". The 4 Year old happily agreed. As the two boys were themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replied, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." WHACK!!!! The surprised mother reacted quickly. The boy ran upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then turned around to the younger son, "And what would you like for breakfast?" " I don't know," the 4 year old blubbered, "but you can bet your fat-ass it's not going to be Cheerios." On the first day of third grade, Miss Torch took roll. "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer," said one boy. "I won't tolerate such language in my class", Miss Torch fumed. "Tell me your real name." "That is my real name," Johnny insisted. "You can ask my brother over in the fourth grade." The determined teacher marched across the hall. "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" Miss Torch asked the class. "Hell no," a bold lad retorted. "We don't even get a cookie break! There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs? She responded, "it's my wash cloth". Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother "what happened to your washcloth?" The mother responded, "I lost it". The little boy trying to be helpful set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming I found your washcloth, the mother thinking that the child was just playing went along with the boy and asked where did you find it. The boy answered the maid has it she is washing daddy's face with it. A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!" A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug." The Father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whattya want?" "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah!", replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning." A little boy asked his father, "What is politics?" The father replied, "Let me put it this way: I am the breadwinner of the family, so we will call me capitalism. Your mother is the family administrator, so let's call her the government. We work to care for your needs, so you are the people. The nanny works hard all day long for very little money, so she represents the working class. And your baby brother is the future." That night the child was awakened by his baby brother crying. He went to the nursery and discovered that he had a badly soiled diaper. He then went to his parents room to find his father gone and his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went to the nanny's room. The door was locked. So he looked through the key hole to find his father in bed with the nanny. The next morning he went to his father and said, "I think I understand politics now." "Tell me in your own words," his father replied, "what you think politics is." The little boy said, "Well while the government is sleeping, capitalism is screwing the working class. The people are being ignored. And the future is in deep shit." Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were laying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?" The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!" The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?" The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision." The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!" Those of you who have wee ones at home....you best be careful what you teach your wee ones....could come back to haunt you: This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite 4 years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake) One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions. Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for Thanksgiving Dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and of course my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But Mommy, you SAID they were for special occasions!!" A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?" A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!" Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand, and the other hand deep in his pants pocket. Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny." He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?" Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father." A little boy didn't go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why. He replied "Our cow was in heat, so I had to take her to the bull". "How disgusting," said the teacher. "I'm sure your father could have done that." "No ma'am, he couldn't have. He takes care of the sheep..." It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. the teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy. "Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?" Again , no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do." As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese." "Who said that?" she demanded. Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said. Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me..." As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town. "Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!" "What's the matter?" his father asked. "No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!" The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong. "Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..." The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!" The father was skeptical but silent. Until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all." An old man in Tennessee was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells, "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and, to the old mans surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape." Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says, "It's a pussy willow." Old man says, "Wait up .... I'll get my hat Sorry I'm Late Mom Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?" Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan." "Gosh, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be this mad." A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?" The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. The fireman says "Little boy, that sure is a nice fire truck!" "Thanks mister," says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little Boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie the rope around the dogs neck I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!" The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know", said Johnnie, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself." Little Timmy is playing on the street when he spots a package of Viagra pills. Being a boy of the world, he immediately recognizes the possibilities and approaches his daddy: "Dad, I just found these, and I'm willing to sell them to you for 100 Dollars straight." "Son, well, while this is a very good offer, I'm in perfect physical health and not currently needing those. Tell you what, go ask Grandpa." So Timmy walks over and asks his grandfather: "Gramps, I will sell you this package of Viagra for 100 Dollars." "Oh, thanks Timmy, but are you sure these will work?" "Gee, I don't know. But they do look like the ones that were shown on TV!" "Tell you what, Timmy, I'll try them tonight and if they work OK, I'll give you the money tomorrow." The next morning, Timmy visits his grandfather again, and Gramps hands over $500 without hesitation. Timmy is perplexed: "But Gramps, I thought we agreed on 100 Dollars!" "That's OK, Timmy, keep it, the rest is from Grandma!" Two boys were skinny dippin and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the other's willie, so he asked, "How did ya get it that big?" The other boy responded, "Well, I rub it down every night with lard." Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made that yielded the same results. The first boy said, "I did what ya told me. I rubbed it down with Crisco every night." The other boy exclaimed "Well, no wonder you still got a puny pecker that's shortening." There was a fourth grade boy and a fourth grade girl. The fourth grade boy came by the fourth grade girl's house with a football and teased the girl saying, "Ha Ha! You can't have a football cause you're a girl." The girl goes to her mom crying so her mom buys her a football. The boy got angry. So the next day he comes by with a boy's bike and teases her saying, "Ha Ha! You can't have a boys bike cause your a girl!" So the girl goes crying to her mom and she gets a boy's bike. The boy gets very mad. So the next day the boy comes by, pulls down his pants and says, "I have one of these and you can't go crying to your mom to get one!!!" She goes crying to her mom and then the girl comes out pulls up her dress and says, "My mom said as long as I have one of these I can get as many of those that I want!" Go to Kid jokes 2 |
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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
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