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| GOLF JOKES |
| I don't play golf myself but there sure a lot of joke having to do with it. These jokes came from our mailing lists. Click Here to subscribe. The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"  A priest is playing golf, followed by his devoted caddie. He takes a swing and hits the ball. But while in the air, the wind starts to blow and the balls falls in a lake. The priest, very mad, says, "Goddamn wind!!" The caddie, surprised, says "Sir, please, why did you say such profanity?!" The priest asks the caddie to forgive him, gets on his knees and prays for forgiveness from God. A little later, the priest hits another good drive. Again, the wind starts to blow and this time the ball falls in the woods. The priest sighs and again, says : "Goddamn wind!!" The caddie, just as surprised as thefirst time, says, "Sir, please, do stop saying such profanity!" The priest then looks at his caddie, and raises his hands towards the sky, asking God to forgive him. Suddenly, the sky covers with grey and dark clouds, there's a clap of thunder, and a lightning bolt strikes the caddie to death. The priest, not believing his eyes, falls to his knees and screams to the sky : "Oh Lord, what has this poor man done to make you so mad? God, I am the one who sinned! My poor caddie did not deserve such a death!" Then, a loud roar came from the sky. The priest hid his head under his arms, scared of dying, only to hear a loud voice say, "Goddamn wind!!!!" The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked. "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous. "There's bad news?", the Pope asked. "Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes." Barely 20 minutes after teeing off, a woman came into the clubhouse, grimacing in pain. "What happened?" the club pro asked. "I got stung by a bee," she replied. "Where?" "Between the first and second holes." "Hmm," the pro murmured. "Sounds like your stance was a little too wide." Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better then I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well,"said the pro. "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling "Gotcha!" Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?" Jim was just beginning to make a putt when a funeral procession drove by the golf course. He bowed his head, holding his hat over his heart until the procession had passed, then he began putting again. His golf buddies said, "Wow, Jim, we had no idea you were a religious person.... That was very sensitive!" He replied, Well, after all, I was married to her for twenty-eight years!" George looks like a golf pro in his designer outfit, but he slices his first drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using an iron to get back on the fairway. But his ball ricochets off a tree and strikes him on the forehead, killing him instantly. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a golfer. Are you any good?" George replies, "I got here in two, didn't I?" Jim had just finished playing a round of golf and was in the locker room getting undressed to take a shower when one of his friends happened to notice him slipping out of a pair of women's panties. "Hey, Jimbo," his friend called out across the locker room. "How long have you been playing golf in women's underwear?" "How long?" came the reply. "Ever since my wife found a pair in the back seat of my car after I came home from supposedly playing a round of golf!" |
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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT |
LINK EM DANO |
CELEBRITY PUNCHOUT |
WEEKLY MIND PICKER |
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