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| Three dogs are at the vets clinic, locked in the back awaiting treatment. The first dog, a Chow, looks over at the second dog and asks; "What are you in for?" The second dog, a German Shepherd, replies; "Well, the mailman came by today, and when I saw him, I couldn't help myself, I just had to have a bite of his ankle. It was so bad that when they tried to get me off of him, I wouldn't let go and ended up putting him in the hospital. So, this afternoon they're putting me to sleep." The first dog replied; "Wow, that's tough! My master owns a beautiful mansion, and everything he has is done in white. White Marble floors in the foyer, white furniture, white carpet...you get the picture. Well, this morning I ate something in the back yard that had been dead for awhile and I got the runs. Master was gone and I was locked in the housealone. I swear, I couldn't help myself, I shit all over everything in the house. They're putting me to sleep this afternoon as well." Finally they looked over at the third dog, a Great Dane, and asked his story; "Well, this morning, my mistress, a young lady of means, and quite good looking, had a problem with her sink in the kitchen. She had just gotten out of bed, naked, to make her morning cup of coffee and she was down on her hands and knees under the sink trying to figure out what was wrong. I couldn't help myself, at the sight of her I got so excited that I nailed her right then and there!" The other two dogs are aghast; "So you're getting the sleeping treatment too?" they ask. "Oh no, I'm getting my nails trimmed and something for my breath."  Apples For Sale A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a signsaying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some." He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?" The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some." Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?" The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit." The farmer says, "Turn it around!" ISLAND DREAMS This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years ! ", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years ! " She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs. A new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said, "well, he was a big, muscular, handsome sailor." "Well, what did he want to do?" They all asked. She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much." So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either." "Finally I said, well how much do you have?" The sailor said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand." He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand." "Oh my god!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge! Then what did you do?" I loaned him $75!" she said. Hey, Sarge! Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates," protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's privates," says Jasper. "You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why'd you give me the okay?" "Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates, " He points to his stripes. "But, we're sergeants now." Skipping Church A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!" That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about toreceive . . ." Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" "Yes, Father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" No, Father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No, Father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?" Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads." Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..." Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right, 3 times..." "3, hmmm, well when were they?" "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..." "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you... Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well...." "Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, , you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation.... And you were 47 votes short...." A young couple were sitting on a park bench, hugging and kissing. After a nice long sloppy kiss, the boy says to his lady friend,.. " I think I just swallowed your bubble-gum?" She says,.."That wasn't my bubble-gum, I have a bad sinus condition!" A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover on the closet as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "Its dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes, it is ", the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" , the little boy asks. "No Thanks", the man replies. "I think you do", the little extortionist continues. "OK. how much?", the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars", the little boy replies."TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!", the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with the little boy. "Its dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is", replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "Ok. How much?", the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars", the boy replies. Then the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boys father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them", replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars", the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness". the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "Gee, its dark in here, isn't it?" The priest says, "Don't you start that shit in here now". Sherlock Holmes and DR Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke."Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent." This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?" So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The visitor asks, "Well, who in the heck is the owner?" "I am he," answers the old man. "You? How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country. I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Hans Olaffsen'. She look at me, 'What your name?' I say 'Sam Ting.' A woman is shopping for a pet, as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices this pet shop are charging seem very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back, that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog. Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs." The woman is stunned, but as her husband loves this sort of sex, and she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep, happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans, and pouring over cookbooks. "What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your sorry @ss is out of here!" Three expectant fathers, a white guy, a black guy, and a Frenchman, were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up." The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The white guy goes right to the black baby, picks him up and starts rocking him. "What are you doing?" the black guy asks, "That is obviously my son." "I know," said the white guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get the French kid." When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The man's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor asked, He won't be on crutches ! "He'll need crutches" the woman said "If You are going to lengthen his legs" The Wife, The Wasp, and The Doctor A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's private part. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigor. The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the little bastard!" |
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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
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