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| DOCTOR JOKES 2 |
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| Whether they're Doctors or Nurses they provide us with sage medical advice, understanding and compassion, and some really funny stuff. All the jokes seen here were part of our mailing lists click here A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please.....just one more time before I die" She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he is down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...................." At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't."  A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied, "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either." "Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for? A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'" A couple was having trouble conceiving a child, so they went to a doctor. He examined them, and concluded that the problem was one of insufficient penetration. He suggested to the man that they try the rear-entry position. The man said, "What is that?" The doctor replied, "Just watch the dogs and do like they do." The man said, "My wife is very shy and she won't do that." The doctor replied, "Try giving her a cocktail or two and she will lose all inhibition." Some while later the doctor met the man, pushing a baby carriage. "I see it worked!" the doctor said. "Yes it did Doc, but now the problem is ... my wife is an alcoholic!" "How did that happen?" the doctor asked. "Well, every time we did it ... it took seven or eight drinks just to get her out into the front yard!" After a particularly serious operation, the surgeon was talking to the patient, who was still recovering from the effects of the anesthesia. The doctor was looking very glum and said to the patient, "I can't be sure what's wrong with you. I think it may be the drinking." The patient replied, "Well, then can we get an opinion from a doctor who hasn't been drinking?" An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I`d like to have some birth-control pills." Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter`s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night." A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him. The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?" The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor." "W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?" The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem. " A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?" "Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk." Looking down at the sick man, the doctor decided to tell him the truth. "I feel that I should tell you: You are a very sick man. I'm sure you would want to know the facts. I don't think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see?" Bending down toward his patient, the doctor heard him feebly answer, "Yes." "Who is it?" In a slightly stronger tone, the sufferer said, "Another doctor." A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?" the doctor inquired. After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess." "Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live." The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time." "Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months." Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor. "Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl. "Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible." "Well," the doc concluded, "go home and wash possible." A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir. So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week." The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him. The leathersmith presented him a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon. The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase." At a doctor's convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking place in a tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture. A Danish doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we could take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we could take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "Hah, we can take an asshole out of Arkansas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!" An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better" he replies. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think of that?" The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. A guy I know is an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of a gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM!! The beaver drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible" says the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have shot that beaver"... The doctor says.."Exactly" A veterinarian had a really rough day at his office. When hefinally got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candlelit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 1:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is," replied the vet, out of breath. "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of," said the elderly lady, "there's cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and yell that they are wanted on the phone" "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?" "Should do," said the vet, "'IT JUST STOPPED ME!" A Second Opinion The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion." A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did he look?" "Very angry." At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time and why did he look angry?" "He was looking through the window at us." This guy invents a machine that transports labor pains from the mother to the father. The only thing is, there is a chance the father will die when it's used on him. One mother goes in labor and they're sitting in the hospital and her doctor asks the father if he wants this machine used, and he said sure, but the dr. said that he would only turn it up 10%, and when he did, the father said that he couldn't feel anything yet, and the mother said she felt a lot better, and so the father told the dr. to turn the machine up to 30%, and when they did, the father said that he still couldn't feel anything, and the mother said how much better she felt, so the father told the doctor to turn it up to 50%. When they did that, the father still wasn't feeling anything, and the mother was feeling a lot better, so they turned the machine up to 75% and since the father still wasn't feeling anything, he said to turn it up to 100%, and the mother said that this machine was so great because she wasn't feeling any pain at all, and the father wasn't in pain either. The baby was born healthy and the next day, they all went home and found the mailman dead on the porch. The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job."Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan." The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The medical man examined him and backed away, saying: "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal." "Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman. "Do you want to write your will?" "No,I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite." A prostitute went to visit a colleague in hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said: "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?" The doctor replied: "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?" The patient's friend replied: "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?" "Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!" This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing! ". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". . . On the road again . . ." The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!" A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing. When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued: Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate? Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something? Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think? Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed? Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented! Daughter: I don't have any FDS. Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment... Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray! |
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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT |
LINK EM DANO |
CELEBRITY PUNCHOUT |
WEEKLY MIND PICKER |
ESP game | comment | faq | JOKE CENTER | cards | sign up | SWEEPSTAKES PAGE | trivia | cartoon | ryan | about | Dating Horror Stories |