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ANIMAL JOKES
2

We humans have a special place in our hearts for animals, and why not? They give us companionship, unconditional love, and poop behind the sofa.
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Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet
another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: 'Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our
differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't
know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any
of mine.'

Second Bull: 'That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years
and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight'em
till I run him off or
kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS.'

Third Bull: 'I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me
have 10 cows to 'take care of.' I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but
I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.'

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in
the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest
Son-of-Another-Bull these
guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground
strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: 'You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was
doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new
friend.'

Second Bull: 'I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the
opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an
argument.'

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the
dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting -- the bull's equivalent of an Ape's
beating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of 'Stay away from my
Cows Dirtbag!'

First Bull: 'Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some
of your cows and live to tell about it.'

Third Bull: 'Hell, Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he
knows I'm a bull!'

A guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a
chicken under his arm, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants
to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of
course!"

The girl tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the
theater, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers,
and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken
starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the
chicken can stick it's head out - get some air and watch the movie.

Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this
man over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've
seen one, you've seen them all."

Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!"

A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost
his way and got off the main highway.

As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and
pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing
in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really
strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and
then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen
correctly - it looked like a pig with a wooden leg!

He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the
farmyard, where he was met by the farmer. "Excuse me,"
the traveler said. "I was just driving by and looking
at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just
had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is
there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?"

The farmer smiled. "Oh, that would be old Caesar you
saw. He's the finest pig a man could ever hope to have
-and smart! Well, let me tell you a little about that
pig. You see that barge down there on the river? That's
a mining dredge, taking out platinum ore. Old Caesar
sniffed out the vein and showed us how to set it up.
Now that dredge brings me in about $120,000 every year.

"There's another thing, too, a little more personal.
One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I
guess I had more than I should have. I passed out
drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That started
a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke.
He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out,
roused me up and got me out.

There is no question about it - that night old Caesar
saved all our lives and you know that is not the sort
of thing a man is going to forget too easily."

"Why," the traveler said, "this is all amazing! I have
never heard of a pig like this before! This is
fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg?
Was he in a wreck or something?"

The farmer laughed and said, "Well, naturally, when you
have a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at
one time!"

A Panda bear walks into the most exclusive restaurant in London. He orders the most expensive item on the menu, and the most expensive wine. After his fine meal, he get `s up. The waiter sees him and says "Excuse me.... The bill?"

The panda says "I`m a panda."

The waiter says "You still have to pay, sir."

"But I`m a panda!"

The manager hears this, "Please pay the bill, sir."

"I`m a PANDA!"

"Sir, I must insist that you pay the bill!!"

"I TOLD YOU!! I`M A PANDA!!!", and withthat, he pulled out a gun and shot the manager in the leg, before walking out.

Perplexed by this incident, they looked up "Panda" in the dictionary. There it said -

Panda - Eats shoots and leaves

Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a
small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his
shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The
black bear said "You've got two choice. I either maul you
to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon
recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip
where he found the black bear and shot it. There was
another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear
stood right next to him. The grizzly said

"That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again,
Frank thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it would take several months before
Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the
woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He
felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his
shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear
standing there. The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank.
You don't come here for the hunting do you?"

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday
in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla
cage at the Bronx Zoo.

The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent
the bars, leapt to the ground and ravished her. Then he went
back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed
thumping on his massive chest.

The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted
her clothes, turned to her companion and said, "We shall
never talk about this, agreed?" The other young nun
consented.

Twenty-five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close
friends, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the
second nun asked her friend, "I know I agreed never to talk
about the event at the zoo but I have one question."

The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question!"

The first nun stammered, then asked, "Did it hurt?"

"Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called..., he never
phoned..., he never sent flowers...!"

All cats go to heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my
life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep
on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a
wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragicfarming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with
beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and
finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow. The Lord
gently wakes the cat and asks him how was he doing.
The cat replies better than I could have ever expected.
And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are
theeeeeeee best!!!"

The Centipede

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he
wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop
owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" The owner says,

"How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've
got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede,
"Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room.
The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and
dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing
thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do
everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...
no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The
centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
45 minutes later... still no centipede!

He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

A Ventriloquist cowboy walks into a town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: (Total disbelief, didn't know man's best friend could talk.)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?"

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Still shocked, starting to feel bad over rubbing dog's nose into floor potty incident last week.)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Shocked look, he trusted steed talks!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?"

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Indian: (Totally amazed.)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep Lie."

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint,high pitched, "Come In."

He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.

He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In."

As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him.

As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help.

Again, he heard the "Come In."

He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage.

He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In?'"
The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him"

So these two whales, male and female, are swimming happilythrough the ocean.
On seeing a boat, the male says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

The female says, "Uh... I don't know..."
"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!"
The female agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away, the male says, "Wow, that was fun,wasn't it?" Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!" The female, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job,
but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

There were these five pigs. The first two went into a bar. The bartender asked, "What will you have?" They said five beers. They drank them, and asked, "Where is your bathroom?" The bartender said down the hall.

Then the next two pigs came in the bar. "What will you have?" said the bartender. "What did our two brothers have?" The bartender said five beers. "We'll have ten beers." They drank them. They asked, "Where is your bathroom?" "Down the hall."

The last pig came in to the bar. "What do you want?"

"What did my brothers have?" The bartender said the first two had five beers, the second two had ten beers.The lone pig said, "Give me fifteen beers." He drank them and started eating the peanuts off the bar.

The bartender said, "Don't you need the bathroom?"

The lone pig said, "No I'm the one that goes 'wee wee wee' all the way home."

Three Tough Mice

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off
each day."

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey --throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my
feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine."

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation,he sets down his glass of beer and says, "I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat."

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham,
bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of
the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial
insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means
but, not wanting to display ignorance, only asks the vet how
he will know when the pigs are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are
pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to
the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck,
drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all,
brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out the window at the pigs.
Since they are all still standing around, he concludes
that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck
again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig
twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing
around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to
load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends ALL
day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls into
bed completely exhausted.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed
to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell
him if the goddamn pigs are laying in the mud.

"Nooooo..." she says, "they're all in the truck...and one of them is honking the horn!"

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Shit", says the ant, "one night of passion and I will spend
the rest of my life digging a grave!"

Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only
female around is a gorilla on the other end of the island.
After one whole month the guys are all sitting around and
Garry stands up and says, "I'm so horny, I can't take it
anymore!" So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other
side of the island with his pals right behind him. They
catch the gorilla, each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry
puts the bag over the gorilla's head. He climbs on top of
the gorilla and begins to do the nasty. The gorilla fights
and struggles and finally gets an arm free and she wraps it
around Garry's back. Then she gets both feet free and wraps
them around Garry's waist. She gets her other arm free and
grabs on to his hips and starts pulling him in harder and
harder. Garry yells to his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it
off!! They said, "You're on top, we can't get her off of
you." Garry said...

"No, I mean the bag..I want to kiss the bitch.

A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the
smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she
went to the chemist for some hair remover.

The chemist gave her the product requested and advised,
"Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five
minutes"

"Errr... it's not for my armpits," she flustered, embarrassed, "it's for my Chihuahua"

"Oh well, in that case," said the chemist, "don't ride a
bike for three days."

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Page Updated Fri Dec 14, 2001 10:24am EST