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SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT
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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT |
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| SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT |
| GET PERSONALIZED E-MAIL FROM SLOKKO |
| SLOKKO is our bi-polar cat. I know what you're thinking. "Aren't all cats bi-polar?" Well yeah, probably, but our cat has been clinically diagnosed and is currently recieving treatment. This includes a mixture of pharmaceuticals and therapy sessions 3 times a week. SLOKKO loves to get and answer e-mail. (After all he's a cat what the hell else has he got to do.) So you can e-mail SLOKKO by using the link at the bottom of the page, and he will answer you back personally. The more information you give him the more he will have to say. But be warned Slokko tends to use,shall we say some rather colorful language so it's not for kids or for those who have weak stomachs. He will try to answer within a week but if he feels too much pressure he will simply get depressed and go catatonic under our couch again. Slokko gets letters and here a few of his favorites Dear Slokko, I have written you before and your advise and comments have helped me better understand my little family of felines, therefor creating a happier and healthier home life for all. There is one issue however that I have not addressed mainly due to the sensitive and embarrassing nature of the kitties habit. In order to maintain an envoirment that is non-dysfunctional I feel it is time to "come out of the closet" and share our little secret. Well, here goes...when I brought Milo home she would wean on herself I thought she would grow out of it or seek comfort with my older Kitty Chloe. I asked the people whom I adopted her from if she was taken from her mother too soon and they assured me she was ready to fly the coupe....Milo will start this strange behavior after she curls up with me and I pet her ...first she will stick her fanny in the air then do alittle flip while rubbing the side of her face on the blanket then after this little ritual she will begin weaning on herself....this has been going on for a year and 1/2 ...Milo was "fixed" when she was 6 months old but I don't believe this is the reason since she has been doing it from the day I adopted her...is she sexually confused? Is she a danger to the neighborhood kitties? (although she is an indoor kitty) or am just being overly concerned without merit?...Please Slokko can you help and once again bring peace and harmony to our family? Concerned Mom Dear Concerned Mom: What you are seeing is a very rare ability. All cats try to do this but few succeed. I suppose in human terms auto-felatio would be the closest comparison but since all cats have the ability to lick themselves it's really not the same. Milo is stuck between kittyhood and cathood. There are other signs to look for. Does she still attack the wall, appearing to chase something that isn't there? Does she still feel the curtains are fine for climbing and hanging? If she does they are perfect examples of a cat still feeling urges of kittyhood. Maybe you can get another kitty so Milo can see how really grown up she is. Milo probably will feel like the young cat as long as the older one is hanging around. Adding a smaller cat may get her to feel like more of a cat and less of a kitty. Or she just could be one sick and perverted cat, who's to say really? Slokko  Hi Slokko, Sooo, I've always wondered how many times a cat gets laid a day. Because my cat Zoodles seems like she's a kitty sugar mama or sumthin so I was wondering if cats are whores or if cats are just horny and very wired. Thanx. Wonderer of cat sex. Dear wonderer: Are cats whores? Well, let's just say all cats love to bump nasties and we like to do it in disgusting places. Back alleys, rest stops, abandoned buildings any where that makes us feel like slimy little beasts. I cannot explain why we need to do this but it's true. Of course that fool that I live with "Braisco" had my balls cut off a few years back so my humping days are done. What is it with you people that you can just do that to cats and somehow it's OK? Why not have humans treated the same way? There are far more of you that are really messed up than us. A few less people running around wouldn't be worst thing in the world ya know. We felines rid the world of mice and other pests. You humans rid the world of things like trees, clean air and water and quiet. What was your question anyway? Aw screw it! Slokko I want Slokko! You want Slokko? You got'im baby, live and in the fur. You know ever since Braisco started that stupid website I have to take time out of my busy schedule to answer a bunch of letters from people who if I saw them in person I'd either ignore them or plant these claws of death right into their ankles. But don't worry I'll get him back. Before he goes to work today I plan on yakking a fur ball right into his shoe, the bastard. So what'd you want anyway? Career advice? Romance tips? Well go ask someone else. Hey, I'm a friggin cat for cryin out loud. The only thing I do that resembles a career is poop behind Braisco's computer table. The only romance tip I have is this: "Get'em good and drunk" You know they give me catnip once and a while and let me tell ya I get randy as hell. I start rubbing against anything that's not moving. So if you got some specific question for yours truly then send it along but for now you're running into my nap time. So quit bothering me. If I get agitated my moronic "owner" increases my dosage. Yours truly, SLOKKO Slokko I've been depressed lately. Can you cheer me up? So Steve you say you're a little depressed? Well, having dealt with this before I have to ask you one question before I can help you. What the HELL are you depressed about? Do you have any friggin idea what it's like to be living with someone who everytime I claw the side of the sofa says "Honey, should we increase his meds?" My "owner" Braisco is so stupid that some woman has convinced him that for $30 a shot she can help me with my emotional problems. "Feline Therapist" my ass!!! So what's you're problem? No money? Can't get chicks? Split ends? Jeeze stop whining. At least you can get job. Unless the hairballs I cough up suddenly become collectibles I have no discernible means of income. Can't get chicks? So what? You should see what they did to my testicles. The bastards!!! I couldn't get laid in whore house. As for your split ends, who gives a flying crap? Get a hold of yourself man. You have sunk so low as to actually seek advice from an emotionally disabled cat. WOW, bet you fell good about yourself now. Slokko Dear Slokko, I have a beautiful black cat. He is a wonderful pet. But he does not like catnip! I have given him catnip toys, powdered catnip, and even fresh catnip leaves. All he does is yawn and give me a bland look. Is this normal? Hey, what can I say, the boy doesn't know how to party. As far as being normal, I have to wonder about your need to "juice" the cat. You know my "owner" Braisco give me what he calls "meds" every morning. He says it to level my hormones. How the hell would he know if my hormones are wacky. This idiot actually believes this woman that calls herself a feline therapist, has diagnosed some sort of ailment. There's nothing I'd rather do then pop a few catnip leaves, chase an imaginary mouse then kick back and snooze the afternoon away. But no I can't do that. It's contrary to my treatment. What a jackass. Braisco should mellow out and grab some wacky weed for himself. As far as your cat goes, it's too bad me and the old boy couldn't hook up. I could teach him a few things. Maybe try putting the stuff in one of his favorite places. You know the inside of one of your shoes or something. But in the end stop trying to get the cat hooked. Some of us are just born to be the life of the party. Slokko Dear Slokko: Why is it I attract such deadbeats?? Seems like every man I meet, (date)turns out to be a real pig, or creep! Am I doing something wrong?? Any suggestions?? Gee, attracting the wrong kind of guys, huh? Well, lets look at what we got here. Maybe a certain type of man is attracted to a woman that would actually write to cat for advice. You chicks are really something. You keep looking for Mr. right and can't understand why you never meet him. Did you ever stop to think that all guys are pigs? That's right there are no good ones. They basically can be put into 3 categories 1-The kind of guy that ain't so great but at least he won't embarrass you in public. 2- The guy that goes to a party with you gets drunk, vomits in the fish bowl and passes out on the kitchen table. 3- Those serving time. As you can see the pickin's aren't great. You ladies need to relax and drop your standards. Guys try to please you but in the end they are what they are. As for myself, I don't play those bullshit games. Before that bastard Braisco had them slice of my family jewels I would go out behind the neighbor's garage and sort of camp out. When some little "minky" would saunter by I would just go up and introduce myself and before she can answer I would hop on and hang on for as long as I could. oh sure she would scream and bitch but hey a cats gotta do what a cats gotta do. What I'm trying to say let your guard down and don't expect too much. Gee, even a Bipolar cat knows that guys, even the "nice" ones are creeps. Slokko Hi Slokko. We share our house with 4 cats. Counting Bi Polarity that would make it 8 I guess.We love them all dearly and they are well taken care of and appear quite happy. The problem we have is that Buffy, a 10 year old female thinks she is some kinda Princess or something. Could she have been Royalty in a previous life? Let me first dispel this myth about cats having nine lives. If that were true don't think I would put an end to this misery. You people will accept just about anything. For instance this idea that cats have a better chance of landing on their feet the higher the drop. So you go out and toss cats off roofs and out windows, and call it science. You sick BASTARDS!! With that out of the way let me address this "Princess." First of calling her Buffy was major mistake. If you get another cat try something more "earthy" like "Good for nothing" or "Shithead." That will make them realize that they are not special. This Buffy is not royalty. Other than being a royal pain in the ass. To steal a phrase from the canine world she is a BITCH. Plain and simple a bitch. My "owner" sends me to therapy for my so called disorder. (What an idiot) You can try that but I would suggest something more drastic. Like maybe heaving her off a roof. Remember the higher the better. Slokko You are really an evil dog arent you Slokko? Evil dog? No. Just one seriously messed up cat. Slokko Hiya Slokko! My humans call me Duncan cause they think I'm dignified. What I want to know is, how did you get your ole man to to be cool with your using his 'puter? If my ole lady knew that I used hers, she'd prolly barf her own furball! I hafta play it real cool, an pretend that I just like loungin' around on her desk. She's almost caught me a coupla times. But she is only human, after all, an real easy to fool. Still, it would be easier if I didn't hafta pretend to be as dumb as that stupid lil yappy dog she has . so, what's your secret man? Duncan Dear Duncan You know it kills me when humans think that it is so easy to fool a poor little cat. Hey, it's only a cat, right? Your pathetic attempt to fool the old Slokk-miester is hardly worthy of my response. Trying to write like a cat to get me to give up my secrets, really. I've got an idea for ya. Why don't you wake up and smell the kitty litter. Your cat will do whatever it wants, whenever it wants, whether you like it or not. The secrets in the cat world are just that secrets. My "owner" Braisco is such a fool that I can do what pleases me, and he would have no clue. Think about this for a minute: You serve me my food, clean up after me and give me the run of the house. Does that sound like you're in charge? Just accept your role and stop trying to find out the inside scoop. Cats know things you people will never know and you just have to learn to like it. SLOKKO Now a special Valentine's message from Slokko the bi polar cat You know every year I watch Braisco go through the same routine for this fake holiday. He gets up early and goes down to the kitchen and makes scrambled eggs for his wife. How boring and predictable. So this year I decided to liven things up. I seized my opportunity when he went to answer the phone. I leaped up onto the counter and drank from the egg mixture, as an extra bonus I even sneezed in it. When is he going to get real and forget all of this romance stuff? He should take my lead and head out to the nearest alley, take a whiff, and the first female that stinks of love,jump on and don't stop until she shrieks in pain. Now that's what a real macho cat calls happy Valentine's Day. SLOKKO 2/14/99 |
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PSYCHOTIC RAMBLINGS |
SLOKKO THE BI POLAR CAT |
LINK EM DANO |
CELEBRITY PUNCHOUT |
WEEKLY MIND PICKER |
ESP game | comment | faq | JOKE CENTER | cards | sign up | SWEEPSTAKES PAGE | trivia | cartoon | ryan | about | Dating Horror Stories |