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Funny Inside Joke Quotes
Love Quotes
Sport Quotes
shoutouts
Boys vs Girls
Poetry
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| Funny Quotes |
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| -I say no to drugs but they just don't listen. -If you don't like my driving then get off the sidewalk! -I don't have a plan B, it distracts from plan A. -Don't treat me any different than you would a Queen. -I've tried snorting Coke but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose. -Don't get high on Life! Snorting cereal hurts! -Heaven told me I can't come in and Hell is afraid I'll take over. -I've found God. He was behind the couch the whole time! -There's a Mulan on my head and it's going "Dork! Dork! Dork!" -Out, Out, Out! -Just do it, again! -It's just so weird! -Maybe the naughty list isn't so bad after all... -They said all the crazies were locked up. Well I think they forgot about me! -Why are all the pretty people insane? -Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me! -The more I think the more confused I get. -Don't you stick your tongue out at me unless you're going to use it! -Stop the world! I want off! -If I'm here..then who did I put in charge of running hell....? -Don't talk to me like you know me! -Rosa! I'm gonna kick you're ass! -"This guy from the Chesapeake Jail keeps calling me."-Tara [I love you Tara! I miss you too!] -So, who wears the pants in the relationship? -Keep going guys! -Real Pimps wear skirts! -I wish I could live like Donald Duck. Pants suck! -Dear God, please save me from your followers. [This is not intended to offend anyone.] -I shoulda left my pants on that time. -So what's the speed of dark? -Have a "Hit by a Bus" kinda day! -I wouldn't be broke if those voices in my head paid rent. -Don't make me sing a lullaby! Please stop swaying. -Do you have an overactive bladder with a tint of beige? -I'm gonna beat you with the don't-drink-Tequiela stick! -You eye slapper! -In the beginning the Universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and is widely regarded as a bad move. -Satan for president! Why go for the lesser of the two evils? -If all the world is a stage then this play sucks! I want a refund! -I'll rule the world one day, but first I think it's time for a bagel! -I'm not just over the edge, I am falling down the mountainside at a rapidly incresing pace. -I am 99.9% fat free! -Girls will be girls and boys will be toys. -I went from candy and toys to cell phones and boys. -Happiness is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth. -Sweet as sugar, but half the calorie. -4 out of 5 voices in my head are telling me to go back to sleep. -Girl, I got more game than playstation. -I burn with a blue flame. -I am the person your mother warned you about. -Clap your hands! ::stomp stomp:: Stomp your feet! ::clap clap:: Mental retards can't be beat! We're number 2! 1! (that last thing means "peace") -When I'm good, I'm great. When I'm bad I'm better! -Did you ever stop to think what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis? "Mypenis ate my homework!" "I can't find Mypenis!" -My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. -Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. -I believe that 5 out of 4 people are bad at fractions. -I am a little girl who'd rather wear jeans than a party dress. I am a little girl that would rather jump fence than jump rope. -OKay and what have we been smoking today? -I just got lost in thought. It was unfamilar territory. -I talk to myself because I'm the only one who will listen and understand! -Love your enemies. They'll go crazy trying to figure out what you are up to. -Passionate kiss like spider's web soon lead to undoing of fly. -Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails. -Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk. -Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day! (Chinese wisdom don'tcha love it?) -Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok. -Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. -Screw Snapple, I'm the best stuff! -Don't mess up your life with drugs! Do it with other stuff too. -Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks I'm gorgeaus! -It's a small world, but I wouldn't wanna paint it! -I don't believe in the afterlife but I'm bringing a pair of underwear just in case. -Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and runaway. He hates that. -If you think sex is a pain in the ass-you're doing it wrong! -When you're holding all the cards why does everyone turn out to be playing chess? -You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've really got something! -I'm only alive because it's illegal to kill me. -My life is rapidly becoming the punch line for a seriously disturbed joke. -Cry me a river and drown in it! -If you can't bedazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit! -Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity. -I hope life's not a joke because I don't have a sense of humor. -The reason for a rule often becomes clear after you break it. -Your name should be Cambell's cause you're mmmm-mmmm-good. -My mind is like lightening-one brilliant flash and it's gone. -Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. -The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. -I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. -Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. -I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. -What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? -I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. -I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. -I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. -It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. -Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. -No, my powers can only be used for good. -How about never? Is never good for you? -I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. -You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. -I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. -I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... -Who me? I just wander from room to room. -My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! -It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. -At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. -You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. -I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. -Cheerleaders are dancers gone retarded. -I'm a great toy! No batteries needed. -Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. -I'm not confused I am well-mixed. -This queen controlz the show, I be holding it down like whoa! Let this be understood, this queen controlz the hood. -If your parents didn't have kids, chances are you won't have them either. -Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants. -I think, therefore I am not related to you! -No, it's not PMS-I'm just a bitch. -The good news is I'm me, the bad news is your you. -If erasers get rid of mistakes, then why are you still here? -I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. -I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches...all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of them? -My two school colors are light and clear. -There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. -Wouldn't life be so much more fun if everybody just simultaneously broke out into song and dance like in a musical? -I'm just a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie doll world. -What is real? How do you define ‘real’? If you’re talking about things you can feel, smell, taste and see... then real is only electrical signals interpreted by your brain..Matrix) -You’re here because you know something. What you know, you can’t explain. But you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life. That there’s something wrong with the world...You don’t know what it is, but it’s there... like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad... (Matrix) -I wasn't born with enough middle fingers... My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. -Just a good girl corrupted by bad things. -You may already be a wiener! -Don't 'accidentally' throw a chicken leg at someone you don't like, you'll look stupid. Do it on purpose. -I used to drive down the long highways, throwing tomatoes out the window yelling, 'Hooray for the spicy chipmunk!' -Humpty Dumpty was pushed! -Okay, Okay, so you won't go out with me unless I was the last woman on earth ... what if you were a purple frog and I was a green cow? Okay , still no .... What if I had wings, too? -Small, green leafy bodies, long tongues drooling over sharp incisors, they weren't human, they were brussel sprouts, killer brussel sprouts. -You can't go saying 'everybody's got a waterbuffalo!' Everyone does NOT have a waterbuffallo! We're going to get nasty letters saying "Where's MY waterbuffallo? Why don't I have a waterbuffallo?" Are you perpared to deal with that? I didn't think so! -This is the new millenium, you don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first. -Attention: There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting. -Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so would an 80 lb. carrot. -If you look deeply enough into any person's soul, you can see the emu within them struggling to get out. Actually, most people don't have emus in their soul. Just me. -If oranges smell like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? -If you're standing on your head, and you pull your pants down, is that really such a bad thing? -'If you're so evil, why don't you... EAT THIS KITTEN!' 'mew!' 'No way, Mister... that's just WRONG!' -Sometimes I have a difficult time handling myself in social situations. I just start scampering around neurotically, frantically jumping all over guests. I think it all goes back to when I was raised in the wild by miniature schnauzers. -Some artists work in oils, some work in clay. I prefer Jello. -You know, you could have been prevented for a quarter. -Hey! Quit hogging all the ugly! -You are a few Brady's short of a bunch. -May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope. - Irish Curse -Don't worry I'm fluent in weirdo. -If I was 10 times smarter than you, I'd be a moron! -You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance. -Hey, I don't know if you're aware but, there are these two things you can put together and use everyday to make people around you smile... they're called, SOAP AND WATER! -You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. -We're not laughing AT you, we're laughing WITH you. Now, if you'd just start laughing, the whole concept would fall right into place. -If your parents got a divorce would they still be brother and sister? -If I was in a room with you and two werewolves and I had a gun with two silver bullets, I'd shoot you, twice. -Everything is legal until you're caught! -Some mistakes are too much fun to make just once. -Sometimes I stop and consider all of the blades of grass I've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge. -I'm wanted. I'm hot. I'm everything you not! I'm bitchin'. Great hair. The boys all love to stare. -Popularity is a socially transmitted disease. -I prefer to describe my profession as that of a contemporary antropological interactive observer. It has just the right amount of flair. Besides "stalker" is such an ugly word and it's not stalking unless you hide. -My mom told me never to take candy from strangers, but strangers have the best damn candy! -Did you know that I'm invisble? But only when no one is around. -I have a blackbelt...in shopping! -I look just like the girl next door...if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. -Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept Nature's final word on where your lips end. -Life would be better for all if everyone would take a moment to eat a PEZ. -For all you blondes who think your it, compared to this brunette you ain't nothing! -Turning heads and stealing guys, breaking hearts and ruining lives. Thats what me and my girls do...and you wish that you could too. -This is a burrito and taco conversation - NAC-HOS. |
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