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Why Doth The Koopa Sing?
by Mario Fan

A searing bolt of lightning crackled through the sky and hit the tallest of towers on Koopa’s Keep. Then, as fast as the lightning, it retreated back up into the clouds it came from, frightened by a sound more hideous and terrifying then its own.

Bowser had just finished watching a series of videos that gave singing lessons that he had bought after throwing the cooking lessons (see Gourmet de Koopa) in a fire, accidentally slinging in Kamek in with them. “Do Fa La So,” screeched Koopa.

Kamek reeled in the corner, his eyes nothing but spirals.

“Yes Kamek. I’ve finally found my talent. Look out the window. Tell me what yonder forest critters think of my heavenly voice.”

In the aftermath, Kamek looked out the window, seeing birds and squirrels, dead, littering the earthen floor. “You…you killed them,” muttered Kamek.

Bowser batted his eyelashes, “What? What do ye say?”

Kamek gulped, “Um…there in heaven, Sire.”

Bowser giggled (still reeling from Cross-Dressing Koopa), “Ah, yes. How it does please me to see my beautiful voice oh so loved. Do you wish to hear again? Good.”

Kamek shouted, “For fungi’s sake, NO!!!!” but it was far too late.

Bowser peered over, “I will not disappoint my audience.” He started to sing into a microphone that was hooked up to several prodigious speakers.

Kamek screamed, “No!” The force of the blast shot poor Kamek out of the castle, the stonewall not bothering to stop him.

Upon hearing the noise, Bowser rushed over and looked down. There was Kamek with two blocks on him. Around him were the other blocks, obviously the cause of the death of the animals in Bowser’s head. “You idiot. Look what thy random feats of magic hath done to those there…I mean…. yonder critters. Get up here and listen to me practice for my recital later.”

Kamek shook his hands, “Sir, we need those troops…I mean sure. Coming right up.”

Mario was still alone at his house, awaiting Luigi’s return (where is that freak anyway), when Toad came up to his house. The average passerby would have accidentally mistaken the annoying little mushroom for a bug and stepped on him, but after years of annoyance, Mario knew who he was. “What important, if not totally stupid, information do you bring me today.”

Toad stood with his tongue hanging out, drool dripping down his chin. “Duh, garsh. Where’d ya’ get that purty overall.”

Mario kindly patted the unfortunate creature on the head. “Toad, I’ve worn this everyday since you’ve known me.”

Suddenly, the real Toad walked up to Mario, not surprised to see him talking to mushrooms again. “Mario, I’m over here.”

Mario jumped into the air, clapping his hands. “What are you doing here, Bubba.”

Prepared for such an occasion, Toad belted Mario with a hammer.

Mario shook his bleeding head. “Thanks, Toad. What is it?”

Toad shook his head. “It’s another one of Peach’s stupid, tax wasting, banquets. I swear, this is the fifth one this week. That last one about the mental enjoyment of peaches was just stupid. Don’t you think so too?”

Mario quickly dumped the peach he was petting in his hands. “Uh…yeah. Let’s go.”

The two citizens walked towards Mushroom Kingdom, while Mario secretly missed the peach. Toad missed his too.

There Bowser stood, in front of the entire castle’s troops. “Now, ye underlings. Feast your ears on this.” Kamek thought he could have made it to the door, but he wasn’t sure enough. He, instead, jumped out of the window. Unfortunately, the blast of Bowser’s singing caught Kamek in the behind quarters and blew him through the two closest trees before carrying him some twenty meters away from the castle.

When he arrived, he saw Bowser in a corner crying. “Half the troops are dead. The other half ran away with mortal wounds, and Peach is going to have another successful banquet.”

Kamek tried to console him. “Yes, but she has them all the time. In fact, she had five this week that were crazy.”

Bowser held up a peach in his hand. He then threw it away. “Yeah. I thought so too.”

Kamek brought up his finger.

“Kamek!”

Kamek brought up another finger, “Sorry, Sir. Why don’t you sing at Peach’s banquet? You could ruin her fun and kill Mario.”

Bowser stood up, accidentally crushing Kamek beneath his weight. “Get out of there, Kamek. I’ve just had a wonderful idea.”

The 10000000000th annual/daily Mushroom banquet was about to take place. Peach, complete in her snazzy new biker outfit, accompanied Mario to the grandstand. “Citizens of Lemon Seed Valley.” Peach whacked Mario over the head. “Sorry. Mushroom Kingdom. Thank you for coming, especially after partying the night away last night. Our first singer is Bowseron. He says he is not related to Bowser even though he looks like him”

Bowser bravely stepped on to the grandstand after saying to Kamek. “I got a new set of tapes so I wouldn’t be a total embarrassment.”

Kamek patted him on the back, accidentally gouging his hand. “Yeah. Good for you.”

As soon as Bowser started singing, the air was filled with splendor. It was beautiful. Even Kamek thought so. “Lord Bowser, you’re supposed to sing badly.”

Bowser fought with Kamek, who was trying to take away his hidden synthesizer. In the struggle, they both fell into a huge pot of hot rock candy. The screams followed the pair all the way out of the castle.

That evening, a goomba came in. “Bowser, did you like the synthesizer?”

Kamek yelled, “You idiot. I told you not to give that to him. He’s not smart enough to know what the real plan is.”

Bowser then yelled, “Both of you are idiots. Get over here.”

The goomba shivered, “Uh-oh. Boiling lava.”

Kamek said, “Fire breath?”

Bowser grinned. “Nope. You both have to listen to me sing while eating my food. Bwahahahahahaha!”

Fine

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Page Updated Sat Aug 16, 2003 4:56pm EDT