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Gourmet de Koopa
by Mario Fan

Kamek ducked out of the way as another flaming
splatter of food landed where he had just been. Since
Bowser had ordered a new cooking video off of the
Internet, every day’s lesson had become increasingly
dangerous. “Ahhh, pretty soon the entire castle will
praise my gourmet cooking.”

Finally, Kamek missed a dodge. A food splatter,
flaming hot, landed right on his hood. “Yeouch!”
Kamek fell to the ground patting his head furiously
with his hands. “Do you have to throw most of the
ingredients at me, Sir.”

Bowser turned to him while flinging food blindly.
“Ya know, Kamek. You should have more respect for an
artiste’ in the making.”

Kamek was overjoyed when the last installment of the
lesson tapes ended. “Oh, this means you’re finished.”

Bowser swung around with the burning pan in his hand,
belting poor Kamek. “Nope. Just means it’s time to
serve my delicious delight.” He looked down at the
twitching Kamek. “You idiot, get off the floor and
ring the dinner bell.”

The dinner bell was ringing at the Mushroom Kingdom
Castle too. It was the second Royal Banquet that
year, the other one being a failure since Changling
paid a visit. Peach stood up in front of the long
dining room table, lavishly dressed with a magnificent
teal tablecloth and colorful ornaments and silverware.
All the mushrooms of the good town and several
visitors, including Mario the famous plumber, sat down
at the well-set table. “Good people, enjoy this meal.
Let it remind us of the unity of our cities.”

Bowser laid out the selected dishes before his
starving troops. They hadn’t had anything to eat
besides insects in the past week. Their tongues were
literally hanging out. “Heh. Eat up.” Bowser
watched with glee as the monsters ate up his dishes,
ones that were carefully placed on his pink
tablecloth. “Isn’t it beautiful, Kamek?”

Kamek was still rubbing his sore head, “Yes, Sire.”

Bowser couldn’t believe his eyes when everyone
suddenly spit out the food. “Yuck! I’d rather eat
bugs.”

“Awful! Who made this crap?”

Bowser held back a tear as he roared, “You uncultured
idiots. I made it. I’ll have you all beheaded. And
then I’ll kill the lot of ya.”

The frightened eaters rushed out of the room.

Later, Bowser was further angered when he watched a
recording of the Mushroom Banquet. He watched it
through a series of cameras he had set up in the
castle. Peach had found them, but she left them up
just to humor Bowser. “Look, everybody loves her
food. She’s even got a gorgeous teal tablecloth.
It’s so pretty.”

“Yeah, if only we could use food for evil.”

Bowser threw back his hands, knocking Kamek down.
“That’s it! We’ll have Mario and Peach over. My
food, which we will poison, will be the main course.
Mwahahaha!”

Kamek really didn’t think it had to be poisoned.

When Mario and Peach had gotten the letter they
suspected something was up. Nevertheless, they came
for a few laughs. Once inside, they saw that the
reptilian reject had set up quite a nice table. Shiny
pink bows and a pretty dress completed Bowser’s
ensemble. “Now, let’s eat.”

Bowser fluttered over to Mario. “Here, my special
dish.” He wandered back to Kamek. “Watch this.”

Mario pushed it away. “Nah, I’m just thirsty. Do
you want it?” He turned to a goomba guard. The eager
guard chomped down.

Bowser rushed over and threw the poor guard out a
window before he showed signs of the poison. Bowser
turned to Mario and giggled. “Heh, bad guard.”

Mario gulped as the goomba’s scream diminished,
“Yeah. I guess so.”

Bowser rushed over with four drinks on a silver tray,
stupidly not noticing the antidote bracelet on their
wrists. “Here.”

Mario smiled. “Ooooh. Watch this.” He spun the
tray on his finger, causing Bowser to lose track of
the poisoned ones.

“Give me that, you idiot.” Mario quietly sat down,
taking a drink. Peach did the same.

Bowser and Kamek waited for them to drink. After
nothing happened, Bowser ran over. “Switch drinks.
You’ve got our favorite glasses.”

Bowser and Kamek giggled as they slowly sipped their
poison drinks. The happy couple was the last thing
Bowser saw before he and Kamek passed out.

The next morning, a goomba walked in on the barely
living pair. “It seems your dinner went great. Mario
said he loved it. He especially liked the
complimentary antidote pins I gave them. Aren’t you
proud of me?”

Bowser and Kamek both yelled, “You idiot!”

Fine

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Page Updated Sat Aug 16, 2003 4:56pm EDT