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| If your gay, and feel offended by this, don't e-mail me talking about your gay rights ok. If your gay, then don't click on the gay jokes. Have a nice day! |
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| Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand. "What is your name?" he asked. "Quack." the duck answered. "And why were you arrested?" the judge asked. "I was blowing bubbles." he answered. The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one. "What's your name?" he asked. "Quack," the duck answered. "Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked. "I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied. Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck. "What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said. "No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles." A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what his problem is. The guy looks up and says " I don't have a problem, I'm celebrating my first blow job!" The bartender looks with a smile and says," well that's just dandy, let me get the next one!" "No thanks", says the guy, "if 6 shots won't wash the taste out, the 7th won't help either!!!" Top Ten Jerry Falwell Pet Peeves About TV 10. Angels Shouldn't Go Around "Touching" Anyone 9. Mister Rogers' sissy loafers 8. "Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane" are lesbian, gay, gay and lesbian 7. Bastards at MTV didn't even look at my "Road Rules" audition tape 6. If you don't pay the bill on time, Playboy channel gets all fuzzy 5. Fox won't even consider "World's Wildest Baptism Accidents" 4. History Channel only presents negative aspects of Spanish Inquisition 3. I'm busting my ass on public access while some joker in a glass church is getting Super Bowl numbers 2. Why don't Scully and Mulder "do it" already and get it over with 1. Dick Van Dyke Priest and Mars A catholic priest was summoned to the Vatican for a three week meeting. Unfortunately, the only substitute available was a young priest with no experience whatsoever. "I feel up to the challange Father", he said, "but I am not sure about how to run the confessional. What form of pennance do I prescribe for the various sins I will be confronted with?" The experienced priest left him a list coordinating sins and pennance, and reassuring the young man, he left for Rome. The young priest's first confessional was soon upon him, and he was quite nervous as he stepped into his booth clutching the list his predecessor left him. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have had impure thoughts about a woman I work with." came the first voice. Nervously the young priest checked his list: Impure thoughts: see also Aldulterous thoughts Disrespective thoughts Murderous thoughts He then referred to adulterous thoughts and found that 4 hail Marys were appropriate. Relieved, he prescribed the pennance and waited. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.", said the next person, "I took $50.00 from my employers desk!" The young priest looked to his list again, and immediately found: Stealing: $10.00 10 hail Marys $100.00 20 hail Marys $1000.00 50 hail Marys $1000.00 80 hail Marys and five rosary prayers After assigning the appropriate pennance, the young priest calmed down and felt confident in his list to provide him with the appropriate answer. He waited a while until his next confessor arrived. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.", said the next person, "I was Butt-fucked by another man!" The young priest again consulted his list. To his dismay, anal sex was not listed. He checked rectal intercourse - nothing. Homosexual experience also showed nothing. He couldn't even find it under butt-fuck, ass-fuck, bottom, arse, everything he looked for was somehow absent from his list. Finally, he grabbed a choir boy, who just happened to be walking by. He asked quite hurriedly, as he knew the confessor was waiting. "What does the priest give for a butt-fuck?" "Oh, sometimes a Mars, sometimes a Snickers.! Bear It From Behind!! There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear. The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the arse!" The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin. The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer. The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?! WOMEN'S ENGLISH: Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead MEN'S ENGLISH: I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy I'm tired = I'm tired Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Nice dress = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? I love you = Let's have sex now I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay |
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