Even More Blonde Jokes - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/hellacooljokes/Even_More_Blonde

Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)

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Another blonde sent a post card home:

"Having a wonderful time....Where am I?"

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Did you hear about the blonde that was so stupid that she played third
string at a car wash?

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After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde
he had
just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to
replenish
his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right
before
drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he
sticks
it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in
and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

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A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that
her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and
Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,

"How do you give shoulders?"

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How is a blonde like a.......

Hairdryer? Turn her on and she starts to blow.
Vaccum Cleaner? Turn her on and she starts to suck.
Light Switch? Even a six year old can turn her on.

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Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.

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Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her
lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?

"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"

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There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.
The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde
was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw
another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped
her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that
give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you
what's coming to you!"

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A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state
capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead,
ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."

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A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying
overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over
her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've
hit me right in the face!!!"

Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly.

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Great Pick-Up lines to use on Blondes

1) That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed.
2) Do you want to see something swell?
3) What do you like for breakfast?
4) Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
5) Say, didnt we go to different schools together?
6) Why dont you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about
the first thing that pops up.
7) Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.
8) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
9) Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
10) You smell wet. Lets party!
11) If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it
against me?
12) Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I
thought you knew!
13) You have the ass of a great artist.

___________________________________________________________________ Worst

Pick-Up lines to use, even on a Blonde
1) I just threw up!
2) You look just like a hooker I know in Detroit.
3) Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the package it
came in?
4) Hey baby! You look like you could suck the chrome off a trailer
hitch.
5) I've had quite a bit to drink, and your beginning to look pretty
good.
6) Hello Susie! Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon so she
asked me to pick you up. My what a pretty dress!
7) Your face or mine?
8) Nice dress, could I talk you out of it?
9) I want to floss with your pubic hair.
10) I'd look good on you.
11) Excuse me. Have I fucked you yet?
12) Somebody farted! Lets get out of here.

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A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to
the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't
bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring
all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that
everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he
cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!". However, the
bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this
alligator is not vicious, can he stay?". "Well, I guess so", says the
bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to
everyone in here that that alligator is tame!" The man smiles, and leans
over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats
the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the
alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG".
And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of
gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the
alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth,
but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the
head, the giant mouth slowley closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting
Genital -- non-Jewishhe crowd
G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- suitcase
Hangnail -- coathook
Impotent -- distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
Labour pain -- got hurt at work
Medical staff -- doctor's cane
Morbid -- higher offer
Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
Node -- was aware of
Outpatient -- person who had fainted
Pap smear -- fatherhood test
Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- letter carrier
Protein -- favouring young people
Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- amorous
Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- study of knighthood
Tablet -- small tablet
Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
Tibia -- country in North Africa
Tumour -- an extra pair
Urine -- opposite of you're out
Varicose -- located nearby
Vein -- conceited

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Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine
"Sex".

Now Sex has been very embarassing to me. When I went to City
Hall to
renew his license, I told the clerk I would like a license for
Sex. He
said, "I'd like to have one too". Then I said, "But this is a
dog".
He

said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't
understand, I've had sex since I was 9 years old". He said I
must have
been quite a kid.

When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
I
told

the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a
special
room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex.
I
said
,
"you don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night". The clerk
said,
"M
e
too".

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition
began,
th
e
dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just
standing and
looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the
contest.
H
e
told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't
understand",
I
said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV". He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I seperated we went to court to fight for
custody of
th
e
dog. I said "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married". The
judge
said, "Me too". Then I told him that after I was married, Sex
left me.

He said, "Me too".

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for
him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this
alley
at 4 in the morning?" I said I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up on Friday.

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Billy's Letters

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have
to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try
and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten
year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer
camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual
camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know.
There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music,
military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to
talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an
adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have
none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a
COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we
had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's
changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little
Billy's letters.

Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only
good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time
to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We
all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way,
can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's
time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.

P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's
spellchecked too.

Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the
glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of
a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer
screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us
weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp
ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real
funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more
money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes.
I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to
people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry
I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto
any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's
in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show
me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I
shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, William.

Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I
haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears
them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I
thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money
on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the
next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, William.

Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years
old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again.
Remember, I
can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government
computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your
only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little
boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save
my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE
CHILD
from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very
much.

Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

Zac Brewer

Michigan

USA

kidrokc12@aol.com

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Page Updated Tue Jul 23, 2002 8:45pm EDT