10 (funny) Rules for Dating My Daughter TEN SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER... (from A father's perspective, not my father): Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. 10 RULES FOR DATING... ME! (THESE RULES ARE IN EXAGERATION, LOL!) 1)Simply, you have to be liked by BOTH fathers. My earthly and, most importantly, my spiritual. 2)If you expect to date me, expect to treat me as you would a princess. For you are my frog who will become a prince by my authority! 3)Dating me is more complicated than imaginable. Not only will you have to pick me up and take me out, but bring me flowers 30 minutes early. Why 30 minutes early? To get acquainted with my family, of course. 4)When taking me out on a date, I do not care where we go as long as I approve. If surprising me with some 'BRILLIANT' plan, my parents must approve. If I simply say "I do not care as long as I'm with you," don't keep asking. Choose so I can disapprove or perhaps, occasionally, approve. 5)When out on a date, simply, don't kiss in public unless I make a move. It is rude and will get worn out quickly. If you just save those kisses for a more personal time, it will be more magical. 6)Speaking of personal times...I will make any further moves after kissing, not you making the moves on me. Anywhere I am covered, do not attempt to remove my clothing. For I am not a Barbie Doll. Neither do I look like one or I act like one. 7)I do not require expensive gifts, but only unique and enchanting presents. I am not something that can be bought with money, but a prize that shall be one by your heart. 8)Do not fight with me, but talk things out if we disagree. If we never disagree, I know you are lying. If you lie to me, I will not trust you. If I don't trust you, then I can't have a relationship with you. Therefore, you will be dumped. 9)Whenever my parents, or I, ask you a question. Don't answer what they want to hear, and don't answer where it will hurt me or them. In basic terms, answer truthfully in sweet words. 10)I know you more than you think I do. Thus, do not hide from me what you feel, think, or your true self. If you do, I would be dating only but a shadow or mask of you. This is the same thing as it would be if I would date a doll. First off, I don't play games; secondly, I don't date dummies. A TRUE LOVE STORY -Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder- True Love Moses Mendelssohn, the grandfather of the well-known German composer, was far from being handsome. Along with a rather short stature, he had a grotesque hunchback. One day he visited a merchant in Hamburg who had a lovely daughter named Frumtje. Moses fell hopelessly in love with her. But Frumtje was repulsed by his misshapen appearance. When it came time for him to leave, Moses gathered his courage and climbed the stairs to her room to take one last opportunity to speak with her. She was a vision of heavenly beauty, but caused him deep sadness by her refusal to look at him. After several attempts at conversation, Moses shyly asked, “Do you believe marriages are made in heaven?” “Yes,” she answered, still looking at the floor. “And do you?” “Yes I do,” he replied. “You see, in heaven at the birth of each boy, the Lord announces which girl he will marry. When I was born, my future bride was pointed out to me. Then the Lord added, ‘but your wife will be humpbacked.’ “Right then and there I called out, ‘Oh Lord, a humpbacked woman would be a tragedy. Please, Lord, give me the hump and let her be beautiful.’” Then Frumtje looked up into his eyes and was stirred by some deep memory. She reached out and gave Mendelssohn her hand and later became his devoted wife. REASONS FOR LIKING THE OPPOSITE SEX! WHY GIRLS LIKE GUYS 1. They always wear your favorite cologne (which happens to be the one that you bought them for their birthday). 2. The way they run their fingers through your hair. 3. That look they give you that makes you just want to die right then and there. 4. The way they kiss away your tears. 5.The way they get mad when they can’t make your problem go away. 6.The way they show off around their friends, even though you know you would love him if he missed a basket or two. 7. The way they make it their personal mission to ensure that you are never cold. 8. That confused look they get on their faces when you are mad at them-guaranteed to make your heart melt and the anger fade away. 9.The way they always let you win any game you play together. 10. …And when you point this out to them they pretend not to know what you’re talking about. 11. That smile they flash that can make your stomach drop to your feet. 12. The way they call to apologize after you had a big fight. 13. The way they touch and hold you so gently, as if they were afraid they’ll break you. 14. The way they say, “I love you.” 15. The way they would die before saying “I love you” in front of their friends. 16. The way they kiss you. 17. The way they kiss you after making up from a fight. 18. The way they hold you when you are crying. 19. The way they think they are your big protector. 20. The way they say, “I miss you,” even though they hate to admit it. 21. The way you miss everything about them when they are gone. 22. The way they comfort you when you have had a bad day. 23. The way they write you love letters even if they think it’s uncool. 24. The way they would change the world for you, if only you are happy. 25. Regardless of whether you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them… it matters not. Because once they enter your life, whatever you were to the world, they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without even speaking, you know that your own life is consumed by their love. We love them for a million reasons; it is a thing, an indescribable feeling. WHY GUYS LIKE GIRLS 1. They always smell good, even if it’s just shampoo 2. The way their heads always find the right spot on your shoulder. 3. The ease with which they fit into your arms. 4. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world. 5. How cute they are when they eat. 6. The way they take hours to dress, but in the end it’s all worthwhile 7. Because they are always warm, even when it’s minus thirty degrees outside. 8. The way they look no matter what they wear. 9. The way they fish for compliments 10. How cute they are when they argue. 11. The way their hands always find yours 12. The way they smile 13. The way you feel when you see their names on the caller ID after you just had a big fight. 14. The way they say “Let’s not fight anymore,” even though you know an hour later… 15. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them 16. The way they kiss you when you say “I love you” 17. Actually, just the way they kiss you… 18. The way they fall into your arms when they cry 19. Then the way they apologize for crying over something silly 20. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt 21. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt (even though we don’t admit it) 22. The way they say, “I miss you” 23. The way you miss them 24. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn’t hurt them anymore. 25. Regardless of whether you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them… it matters not. Because once they enter your life, whatever you were to the world, they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without even speaking, you know that your own life is consumed by their love. We love them for a million reasons; it is a thing, an indescribable feeling. A COUPLE OF GOLDEN DEEDS A few golden deeds: Give money for a clothing drive Mow a widow's lawn Bake cookies for a shut-in Teach a class in VBS Smile Attend a funeral service Write a note of encouragement Pray for the sick Write to a missionary Share your garden vegetables Give gum to children Invite someone to church Introduce yourself to church guests Sit with a visitor in church Take a friend to lunch Have someone over for ice cream Visit a patient at a nursing home Provide transportation for the elderly Share a good book Pray daily for a lost person Send someone a birthday card Personally thank your church leaders Encourage someone who responds Sing Call someone to say, "I love you" Remember the anniversary of someone's death Send flowers Be kind to those mentally ill Babysit for free Say "thank you" to family members Give away a religious tract Open your home to teenagers Be optimistic Do golden deeds IF YOU HAVE ANY GOLDEN DEEDS, LEAVE THEM IN THE GUESTBOOK!