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Chris P'S SECTION Click here to visit chris' new BIO(be afraid)
Ok, now more fun stuff to be added! And now for... what the?.... IT'S 12:45??? I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS!!!!!! OH GOD I HATE REALITY!!!!!!
CONSPIRACIES!These are a big part of this site....they kind of have to explain themselves....
Scroll down, I've added even more! It now goes through #4!(Heh, that ryhmes!
CONSPIRACY #1!
Also, I have recently moved them to the top of this site so more people will see them! And I'm planning on adding new ones soon, so don't bother leaving me alone about them! Yes, you heard me wrong, I actuallly LIKE to hear feedback on this site! AND HAVEN'T GOTTEN ONE FREAKING E-MAIL YET! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! (11/23)
You see, the Government and Mars have been plotting together for quite some time now. They have devised a plot to destroy communist China. They have built a huge tractor beam on Mars. With it, they plan to slam the moon into China, destroying China. What they didn't think of, though, was the seismic shocks that it would cause. Those seismic shocks would cause the U.S. to splinter off into exactly 50 pieces. These pieces would be the exact sizes and have the exact same borders as the States had had, except Hawaii, which fused into a solid piece. Then an Iranian fell dead on an underground nuclear test button. The nuclear test destroyed all of Asia. Then France blew up for no reason. Meanwhile, the combined weight of the Earth and the moon caused it to slam into Mars. Thinking the Earth had violated their treaty, Mars invaded! But, unfortunately their invasion was thwarted by a legion of fish. The fish didn't suffer a single casualty. Then, the combined mass of all three planets (the Earth, the Moon, and Mars) caused the trio to crash into the sun, which went super-kablooey-blam nova, destroying the universe.
Then a fat trekkie who had watched it all on TV got up, and, in seconds had registered his disgust worldwide. People who had enjoyed this masterful TV show sent him letterbombs and human fesces in the mail.
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS THE PLOT THAT THE U.S. GOVERNMENT AND MARS HAVE COME UP WITH TO CAUSE FAT TREKKIES TO RECIEVE HUMAN FESCES IN THE MAIL.
CONSPIRACIES #2!!
Hal's hardware and Sally's shoes have been working toghether for quite some time now. They have been working to create a super-cleat, which is actually just some sandals with nails in the bottom. What they didn't think of, though, was the fact that, in one small town, a bunch of people obssessed with soccer kept stepping on each other, turning the grass red. The mayor of that town was obssessed with the color blue, so he got a huge vat of blue paint and personall painted every blade of grass in the town blue. Once every blade of grass was blue, he had some left over, so he painted himself blue. All the hicks in town thought he was some sort of alien, so they incited riot and killed him. But, the riot never ended. Everybody in U.S.A. got invovled, and, consequentially, a couple power plants were destroyed. The lack of power caused other plants to overload, ending with the destruction of every power plant in the U.S. The U.S.A. became a monetary equivalent to Mexico. As a result, Bill Gates, Ross Perot, and George W. Bush all wet themselves simultaeneously.AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS THE CONSPIRACY THAT SALLY'S SHOES AND HAL'S HARDWARE HAVE COME UP WITH TO CAUSE BILL GATES, ROSS PEROT, AND GEORGE W. BUSH TO ALL WET THEMSELVES SIMULTAENEOUSLY. CONSPRACIES #3!
You see, Bill Gates and Satan have had a bet for quite some time now. They have been betting on the past 15 superbowls. Through the use of Mumbojumbo and crazy strip dancing to distract the correct team, Satan won every single bet. As a result, he gained dominnce over computers. What he did was to cause demons with chainsaws to come out of everybody's computers. What he didn't think of, though, is that, by coincidence, the first 100 computers to spew out demons were owned by hermaphrodites with excessively powerful legs. As a result, the hermaphrodites kicked the crap out of the demons, Satan stopped his invasion, and Bill Gates regained dominance over computers. To reward the hermaphrodites, Bill Gate funded a Hermaphirodite soccer/basketball league of America. This became known as the HSBLOA.
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS THE PLOT THAT BILL GATES AND SATAN HAVE COME UP WITH TO CREATE A HERMAPHRODITE SOCCER LEAGUE.
Conspiracy #4!
You see, Chris P and the soap making companies have all been working toghether for quite some time now, producing soaps that are ineffective, so thqt Chris' germ army would thrive! They can't overthrow the world without his leadership, and he can't overthrow the world without forces! But, on the nght of their invasion, he was prematurely exposed to marijuana smoke and Jason's breath at the same time...when a stoner named Kyle breathed on him! With the pot somke in his lungs, he directed the germs to slash and burn all of death alley, California. In their confusion, they wandered Death Valley, searching for trees, until the heat melted them all into a bubbling pile of goo, which, ironically, turned death Valley into a new fertile crescent, causing trees to shoot up like weeds and/or Jason's Hair. And that, my friends, is the consiracy that Chris P and the Soap producing companies have come up with to create a new fertile crescent in Death Valley!
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO THE NEWEST GAME SHOW ON TV: WHO WANTS TO STARE AT THE CAMERA AND GIBBER LIKE A SLACK JAWED YOKEL? NO, THERE ARE NO PRIZES, BUT YES! YOU CAN IMPRESS ALL YOUR REDNECK FRIENDS JUST BY BEING ON TV FOR 30 SECONDS! STEP UP AND PLAY TODAY!
Idiotic babblings
These are random subjects that I inexplicably feel the need to chatter endlessly about. I find them fun to write, and I hope reading them either confuses you or makes you laugh. Either way, I win and you lose. HACHA!!
!
HEY, LOOK AT ME! I'M PUTTING THEM IN THE WRONG ORDER! HACHA!
#5:
HEY! LOOK AT ME! I CAN GIBBER AT YOU IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES! AND I THINK I WILL, MASUINU!!! Anata wa Baca des! Dos Vedanya, Suche! Biscare! I can say more curse words than you, EXCLUDING the curses in different languages! I WIN AGAIN, MR. BOND!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
#4:
I. Like. Cheese. Need I say more?
#3:
Look at me I'm a quadraped: The ramble spouted by Josh every ten minutes or so, which also tends not to actually mean anything. This little "spiel" of his is exceedingly annoying, repeptitive, and..... um.... annoying. So you can all expect to hear a lot of it. Anyway, the reason I'm babbling here today is to warn you: DO NOT PUT ANGRY GUINEA PIGS DOWN YOUR PANTS WHEN CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB ON YOUR FRONT PORCH. Thank you. (THIS WAS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE UNITED STATES BUREA OF ANGRY GUINEA PIGS. WE REALLY DO CARE.
#2:
Many a wise man has said that it isn't that great to be on TV. They lied. Just think about it. Why would you want to be on TV? because you can. That and because everybody respects you. People see you and they say: Hey! Look! It's that guy that beat up his foster mother's brother's uncle's grandduaghter's baby's uncle, who was also his biological sister! THEN they're bound to respect you. I'm sure that females will be flocking to you..... unless, of course, you're a guy. Then you might as well give up. But, anyways, don't you think it'd be fun to sit in a makeup room for a couple hours so that you'll look evil? I mean, look what happened to Christopher Walken. You think his baby movies are that scary? Right. Well, I'm getting tired of explaining it to you ingrate. I'll babble later.
#1:The names Posniewski.... Chris Posniewski. Does that sound nearly as good as James Bond? That would be part of why I wouldn't make for a good classy secret agent. Then, of course, there's the fact that I can't get chicks as easily. If you've ever seen a James Bond movie, then you know that it is absolutely ESSENTIAL to any mission to get at least two girls. Then, of course, there's luck. I am NOT that lucky. Imagine me driving that car. "Oh, look, it's doctor...um....Doctor what's-his-name. I think it's time to shoot the missles!" (click)"self destruct activated."(BOOM!!!!!)Same way with the watch. I'd forget to put on the water proof cover and electrocute myself. Plus, I'd feel like an idiot, busting out the kung fu crap. "WA! WACHA! Take that, mister.... um...... mister that-one-guy!" And that's why I wouldn't make a good classy secret agent.
The quote Josh stole: (quote re-stolen...BUT RECENTLY STOLEN BACK...and then, stolen again)
Chris P's Recipies for Chaos #1
GNOME HAT
Ingredients: One paper bag, slightly too small to fit over your head.
Directions:
1.Pull bag over head so it rips.
2.Turn rip so that your face is looking out of rip, like the bag is a hood.
3.Start Gibbering manaically about how the hat keeps the gnomes(or goblins, dragons, lemurs, tae kwon do sensais, whatever) out of (or in) your head.
Happy pencil
Ingredients:One pencil, one can chocolate syrup, on pen.
Directions:
1. Use pen to draw smiley face on pencil.
2. Pour chocolate syrup on end of pencil without face.
3. Put pencil in mouth.
4. Start running around and screaming and gibbering about how happy happy happy the pencil is. If anybody asks you what exactly you are doing, tell them as calmy as possible that the pencil is happy that it is eating it's favorite food. Then ask them if they would like to try some, while holding out the slobber covered, chocolate syrupy pencil.
Garda entered the chamber, a wide, domed area. It was part of the temple of Daga, the dog-faced God. The zealot moved to the altar, his long quest finally complete. After an hour of prayer, Daga himself appeared before Garda, and asked, "My child, why have you come so far?" As Garda gasped. Dog-faced was an understatement of his God's ugliness. It had to be some horrible curse! Daga was said to have once been beutiful. Garda asked, "My God, who has maimed you? What has happened to make your face so ugly? Why was this curse placed upon you?"
To which, his God answered, with ultimate wisdom and grace, "Huh?"
Random thoughts:
"If ignorance is bliss, we have a constitutional right to happiness, and school educates us, then isn't school unconstitutional?"
-Chris P
"Here's my advice: If I were you, I'd put 3 pounds of limburger cheese down my pants and sing marry had a little lamb to the nearest arab at 3 octaves higher than my normal voice while dancing an improvised jig. Alchohol will solve the rest of your problems."
-CP
"Exactly how many people do you think you can cram into a single tire swing? My geuss is 15."
-CP
"How many raw clams do you think you can eat in under an hour?"
-Chris P
"The day I wear a testicle ring is the day the Burmese army adopts Hello Kitty backpacks as official marching gear. Namely, August 32nd."
-Chris P
"Is rat meat light or dark?"
-CP
"Motorcycle gang fights should occur on highways and in bars, not in the parking lots of king soopers and in the candy aisles of Diamond Shamrock....or so you'd think."
-Chris P
"I have a flaming flamingo."
-Chris P
"He need extra gravity."
-Chris P
"DId you know, if you spell bouy as C-N-J-J, it spells out the initials of the members of Graelston and Fred in order of importance? Think about it!"
-Chris P
"Jason's mind is impaled on a barbed wire fence somewhere in Alaska."
-Chris P
"The way censors think: God doesn't want people naked. If he wanted people naked, they'd be born that way!"
-Chris P
"The weasel wouldn't pop!"
-Chris P
"why me knead twelf yeers uf skool? foor yeers iss gud!"
-Chris P
"Snakes kiss me for fun and profit...I wish."
-Chris P
"TP=Explosive explosives."
-Chris P
"The moon is on fire...with the smell of cheez whiz!"
-Chris P
"Burning pickles is fun."
-Chris P
"Disclaimer: We did not pour ram milk down anybody's pants while they were strapped to the wall in order to obtain comedic information. Ha, got ya there Philip!"
-Chris P
"Do we have finals in here?"
-Chris P, on study hall
"Bonfires are fun for everyone! Even trees love 'em! If you don't believe me, ask a tree!"
-Chris P
"Lemmings have issues."
-Chris P
"When my legion of Grasshoppers gets back from back from Malaysia, you'll be sorry!"
-Chris P
"Water goes down our throats to drink it, air goes down our throats to breath it, dirt goes down our throats to eat it, but why doesn't fire go down our throats?"
-Chris P
"Did you know that whether you wear boxers or briefs is directly related to your IQ?"
-Chris P
"Did you know that the amount of sex had in the past 48 hours is directly related to your mood? If you're male. See, that explains why I'm always in a bad mood."
-Chris P
"Jason has a wannabe afro"
-Chris P
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful"
-Chris P
"Don't hate me because I'm ugly!"
-Chris P
"Don't hate me because I love you!"
-Chris P
"Don't hate me because I hate you!"
-Chris P
"Don't hate me because I'm secretly plotting to kill you!"
-Chris P
"Welcome. You've got mayhem!"
-Chris P
"Where am I?"
-Chris P
"Last night, I had about 4 red bulls. I could literally HEAR a fly crawling up the wall. The walls were rippling and pulsating. I couldn't blink, I was too alert. Now my hands feel heavy as lead, my eyelids are attempting to close, and I want to fall asleep on this keyboard."
-Chris P
"Welcome to the Jungle! We got... uh.... what do we got, al?"
-Chris P
My past livesWhat I was / / How I was killed
Fox / / By a particularly viscious hen
Pepsi Can / / Drunken By Josh R
Human / / assassinated by Josh R
Rooster / / Slaughtered (later eaten by Josh R)
Human / / hitman hired by Josh R
Dalmation / / Died in childbirth, had record 102 dalmation pups
wolf / / shot for pelt
Spider monkey / / shot for pelt
cat / / shot for pelt
mouse / / shot for pelt
lemur / / blown up for pelt
dingo / / shot by housewife (HE ATE MY BABY!!!!)
mongoose / / bitten by a cobra
goldfish / / no apparent reason
rat / / drowned in sewer water
nurse shark / / killed by stoned surfer
mouse / / eaten by cat
cat / / disease from eating mouse
mink / / killed by a lunch lady, now rotting in Jason's bowels
lemming / / could not deal with lemming depression
lemon / / eaten by an owl
earthworm / / wrapped around a lit m-80
pansy / / exploding weed killer
cartoon character / / censored
koala / / run over by a bulldozer
house plant / / choked with mardi gras beads
house cat / / run over by a soccer-mom (on purpose)
house mouse / / ate "the cheese"
house turtle / / drowned
house brick / / eroded by a flood
house moose / / couldn't fit through doorway
big monkey / / fell out of tree
street punk / / trampled by jitter buggers (the jitterbug was a dance in the 30s)
microscopic bacteria / / completely obliterated by Mr. Clean
Pinkatang (new version of Orangutang) / / stood out too much, devoured by a tiger
CAT / / eaten by mouse
martian / / defeated by a fish
WHAT WILL THEY PUT ON YOUR TOMBSTONE???
"Known endearingly by friends, relatives, enemys, and complete strangers as 'Ha-Cha', 'Hoo-Haw', and 'Ha-Ho'
"Stared at the blinking digital light a bit too long"
"Killed by Josh Riley"
"Gang-fondled by female Graelston and Fred groupies"
"Couldn't deal with lemming-like anguish"
"His entrails now decorate the highway"
"Rest In UNPeace"
"Ha! Told you I'd live long....AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!"
"Died of embarrasement, naked in school dream a bit too vivid"
"Utterly destroyed b y a goldfish"
"Here lies: Some dude"
"Last words: Hey look!!! THHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRSSSSS JHHHHHHHOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNYYYYYYY!!!!!!"
"I told you you'd need more pillows to stop you"
"This is what happens when you interfere with the plan"
"Could not answer-me-these-questions-three"
"Learn from his mistake: Sea-otters can be deadly when they have a rectal thermometer in their mouth."
"NEVER touch a woman there"
"I can see you!!!"
"At least he isn't wearing cement boots. Ha, gotcha there, Philip!"
"Dude, wheere am I?"
"I was buried with my headphone on!"
"Welcome! The key is under the mat!"
"Insert a dime here to see my bloated corpse!"
"Well, at least he got a quarter for fullfilling the dare!"
"I've had better"
"He went in a handbasket"
"Dared to mock Graelston and Fred, Ya know, maybe he coulda got away with insulting just ONE of em, but both? Come on......"
"Ha! Told ya you didn't really have mail!"
Random Disturbing Words
Now for some words:metallica yahoo hentai sex phone satan magic burn eat final fantasy travel comedy humor jokes idiotic babbling mental conditions psychiatry myah myah myah myah myah myah myah funny a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y & z hellblau hig pig snout backstreet boys are the coolest dunkelrot mom dad ghost urza music power man 5000 mp3s myah gone hojo the mad monkey how to write html jimminey cricket myah myah myah myah disney come cum patsy monty python and the holy grail newt newton's laws school schule ist nicht gern dog cat myah rat people food animal kill must please cum here snok snook 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 haha sucker you got suckered here if you used these words for your search hahaha go to the bomb page kill yourself and then me in that order smoke weed legalize magazine celebrity nude simpsons woodworking wing commander free myah ultima second online age big small little grosse klein kalvin calvin intestines oh the humanity say now on touch me he ate my baby here myah myah myah myah poke NYAO!!!!!!pretty colors hmmm mushed planeswalker occult devil child bash brain how oh i see i thought for a second that my brother touched me in my sleep so i blew him to hell his cock was raw then i killed him he she it when where why how who what die die die my darling i'll be seing you in heck hig woogy woo boop pee pee poop poo how to hack into the pentagon how to conquer the world using only a can full of lather and a q-tip rhesus monkey diaper clams cheese helmet hey if you're reading this i'm actually inside your house right now dreck poot myah kiwi fruit cup skreem bouille sandwhich sand wich sandwich boom jugular ring wiggling wombats hooch cooch wowie wow owwo wo ow woow taeae tae kwon do aaaiiieee
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