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The Best Jokes Page Ever
Strange Web Links
The Worst Pickup Lines Ever
Fun Games to Play at Night
Limericks Page
100 Ways To Annoy People
Tales from the ER
Murphys Laws Page
Famous Last Words
Little Johnny Jokes
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| Limericks!!! |
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| There was a young man. . . |
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| There was a man from Ghent Who had a penis so long it bent It was so much trouble That he kept it double And instead of coming he went. There was a man called Dave Who kept a dead whore in a cave He said "I admit I'm a bit of a shit But think of the money I save". There was a lady who triplets begat Nat, Pat and Tat It was fun breeding But trouble feeding Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat. There once was a girl named Madonna To all the boys she'd ask "Do yo wanna?" Warren Beatty said no, called her a "HO" Now she cries and smokes marijuana. There once was a man named McGill, Whose acts grew exceedingly ill, He insisted on habits, involving white rabbits, and a bird with a flexible bill. There was a young student from Boston, Who drove around in an Austen. There was room for his ass and a gallon of gas. But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. There once was a Senator from Mass who was searchin around for a Lass; He lucked out and found it; He fucked up and drowned it. And That was the end of HIS ass! There was a young girl from Cape Cod, Who thought babies came only from God. T'wasn't the Almighty Who lifted her nightie. T'was Roger the Lodger by god! There once was a man named Screwy Dick, A man who was born with a spiral prick. His life was spent in one long hunt to find the girl with the spiral cunt. When he found her he dropped dead, 'cause that damn bitch had left hand thread!!! There once was a man named Dan He once ate beans from a can His colon swelled his wife said oh well and what rhymes with dan and can? There once was a man from Bel Air, Who was doing his girl on the stair. When the banister broke, He doubled his stroke, And finished her off in mid-air. There once was a Bishop of Treet Who decided to be indiscreet, But after one round To his horror he found You repeat, and repeat, and repeat. There once was a man from Madrass Who's balls were constructed of brass When jangled together They played stormy weather And lightening shot out of his ass! There was a young fellow named perkin Who was always jerkin his gherkin His father said perkin Stop jerkin your gherkin Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin There once was a pirate (the story relates) who liked to go dancing on roller skates. He fell on his cutlass which rendered him nutless and virtually useless on dates. There once was a dog named Fred Who was black and blue and red He ate a monkey in his sleep And when he woke up he said his wife was cheap. A pansy who lived in Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room, And they argued all night Over who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom. A nudist girl wearing three raisins A masquerade prize was her goal. The judges said, "Lookie, From the front she's a cookie, From the rear she's a Parker house Roll." There once was a man from Nantucket Whose dick was so long he could suck it He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin, "If my ear were a c#%+ I would f@#* it!" There once was a chick named Alice who used dynamite for a phallus it blew a hole in her vagina like South Carolina and bits of her tits in Dallas The once was a young girl from Norway Who hung by her feet from the doorway; Which worked out quite well, 'Cause when you rang her bell, It actually turned out to be foreplay! There once was a technician named Lil. That took a chance on a Nuclear Pill. They found her vagina, in South Carolina, and her boobs in a tree in Brazil! there once was a couple named Kelly who walked around belly to belly because in their haste they used library paste instead of petroleum jelly In anything written by Dickens, It's certain the plot always thickens; With characters, themes And digressions it teems; As for sex, though, it's mighty slim pickin's. At a meeting-hall, George Bernard Shaw Was proceeding to lay down the law, When, from somewhere offstage, Someone hollered in rage, "Who can sleep, with this damned foo-fa-raw??" Miss Fanny, adored by John Keats, Loved romances and sucking on sweets; Yet one glance from this skirt Could reduce the poor squirt To a few inarticulate bleats. My trouser-snake stands up and cheers When confronted with boobs in brassieres; But, in charming my cobra, The bosom with no bra Can almost reduce it to tears. Said the Cardinal to Mother Superior "Your singing is quite inferior!" She,not to be crass, did show some real class Said,"You can kiss my posterior!" There once was a boy named Kevin Who used a vacuum to stretch it to seven, Then eight and then nine, And though ten was divine, There will be film at eleven. There once was a girl from Norway Who hung from her toes in the doorway. She said to her beau, Hey, look at me Joe, I think I've found one more way! in the garden of eden lay Adam gently stroking his madam, and great was his mirth for on all of this earth there were only two balls and he had 'em! An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno Said Sex is one thing I do know Women are fine And sheep are divine But llamas are numero uno! There once were two young girls from Birmingham I knew a wild story concerning 'em They lifted the frock And diddled the cock Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em Now the Bishop was nobody's fool, He'd been to a fine public school He lowered his britches And fucked both those bitches With his twelve-inch Episcopal tool. But that didn't startle these two, Why they laughed as the Bishop withdrew, The Vicar is quicker And thicker and slicker And longer and stronger than you! There once was a man from Bombay Who fashioned a cunt out of clay But the heat from his prick Turned the damn thing to brick And it ripped all his foreskin away. There once was a vampire from France Who couldn't keep it tucked in his pants He oft whipped it out With a vampiric shout And taught poor Louis how to dance. There once was a man named Piatt, who's sexual habits were a riot. From horses to hens, To mice and men, If it had a hole, he would try it. There once was a man named Eugeene, Who built a masturbation machine, The damned thing broke On the 14th stroke, And whipped his balls to a cream. Remember that man named Eugeene? well he built a f*!king machine, Concave or convex, It could take any sex, But man what a mother to clean There was a lady from Vanvaper Who wiped her butt with brown paper; The paper was thin, Her fingers slipped in, She no longer used that brown paper. Jolly St. Nick's good to you and me Brings to homes many gifts to see. But a black eye he paid Because he laid The wrong doll under the tree. There Once was a sailor named Brett The best pisser I ever seen yet He could Piss in a jar From the Top Gallant Spar Nor even get the sails wet. There once was a man who was not very kind, he used his penis instead of his mind, one day he bent over, and his dog took over, a gave him a bone from behind. There once was a man from Peru, who fell asleep in a canoe, while dreaming of venus, he played with his penis, and woke up with a hand full of goo. There once was a nun with a gun, Who thought shooting children was fun, she shot them away, Day after day, Until she thought she was done. There once was a man from Uppingham Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham Just watching the stunts of the cunts in the punts And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking them There once was a monk from Kerplunks Whose body was that of a hunk's The nuns all went woozy when he stepped into the jacuzzi For the monk had forgotten his trunks. There was a young lady from Bude Who had scenes of old England tattooed Her Boyfriend, one day went the whole Penine Way With Cheddar Gorge still to be viewed There was a young man from Sheet Who liked to suck on his feet He'd like to do Fergie But her feet had the lergie Because she'd had the entire fleet There once was a girl from Decator who was laid by a big alligator nobody knew the results of that screw 'cuz after he laid her, he ate her. There once was a monk from Siberia Whose manners were quite inferior. He did to a nun What he should not have done. And now she's a Mother Superior. There was a young lassie named Wainright Who enjoyed the position that a dog might over her shoulder she found when she looked around A hole new meaning for hindsight There once was a singer named Elton who had the girls hearts all a'meltin'. But soon they discovered he was a man lover; twas dicks he'd rather be feltin'. There was a young singer named M'lisser, who liked all the girls to kiss her. She was rakin' the cash in and givin' tongue lashin's to Misses rather than Misters. A young engineer name of Paul Was equipped with an octagonal ball The square of his weight Times his pecker, plus eight Is his phone number, give him a call The limerick form is complex Its contents run chiefly to sex It burgeons with virgins And masculine urgins And swarms with erotic effex. Sir Reginald Von Hubble of Joice Did shave his balls-'twas his choice. He sneezed,oh how sad! The results were quite bad! He now has a high pitched voice!!! There once was a lad called Lancelot At whom people looked askance a lot For whenever he passed A delectable lass The front of his pant would advance a lot there once was a guy named scott, who thought he was SOOO hot, then Jamie dumped him, And her new boyfriend thumped him, Now, a living Scott, there is not. There was this guy named John Who's Mom told him to buy some corn. He heard wrongly But objected strongly. When instead he bought some porn. A psychiatrist and a proctologist from Stutts Did really show some pure guts. They put up a sign At 4th Street and Vine. That read we treat nuts and butts! Oh,the air did turn green When a fart came from the queen! The court sat aghast At the royal blast, But stood and sang "God save the queen!" There was a young lady from Bath Who wasn't very good at math She had sex under a tree later said "Woe is me" 1 plus 1 isn't 2….it equals 3 Stanley, that anal young fool made sculptures out of his stool. His version of "The Thinker" was really a stinker, but the portrait of Madonna was cool! old mother hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone but when she bent over rover took over and gave her a bone of her own! There was a young man from Cape Horn, who wished he had never been born, and he wouldn't have been, if his father had seen that the tip of the rubber was Torn ! there once was a man named shult who was a member of a pagan cult he fell to his knee and screamed 'help me !' as the cult sacrificed him 'cause they where hungry there was a young lady from crewe who filled her vagina with glue said she with a grin if they pay to get in they'll pay to get out of it, too! Two moments in Captain Hook's past memory of which still leave him aghast. A visit quite vile from a big crocodile, and that time he was wiping his ass! In the check out at the food store a nun was advising the poor: "Hey you up in front! That's to many items you cunt! And they won't take food stamps for beer ya dumb whore." A hillbilly gent name of Cato wanted sex with his girl on a Date-o. She said, "Yer dick's real purdy, But yer balls are too dirty, they look like a fresh dug potato!" A wandering Munchkin named Syfe heard a most terrible strife. The loud grinding and shearing, lead him to a clearing, where the Tin Man was fucking his wife. A genetic engineer named Pickens gave his lab assistant the dickens! He had saturated a turd, with the DNA of some bird, and got some shit that tastes kinda' like chicken! A childless man took to chasin' a curvy young girl with elation. She asked him "why me?", he replied, full of glee, "you were built for the birth of a nation!" She wanted to grow up a saint And her mother, she had no complaint But men--quite a few-- Were more fun than a pew So she wanted to be but she ain't! There was a young girl from Calais Who thought chancres just melted away. Now she has Tabes, and sabre-shinned babies, and thinks that she's Queen of the May. There once was a lady from Sydney Who could take it right up to the kidney Then a man from Quebec Took it up to her neck ...He had a big one now didn't he There once was a girl from Aberystwyth Who took corn to the mill to make grist with. The miller's son, Jack Laid her flat on her back And united the organs they made piss with! There once was a man from Devizes Whose balls were of different sizes. The left one was small, Hardly nothing at all, But the other won numerous prizes. There once was an abbot of Brittany Who chanted this desolate litany: "If Christ is the Source Of Divine Intercourse, Then how come I don't ever gitany?" A washed up old harlot named Tupps, Was heard to confess, in her cups: "The height of my folly Was screwing a collie, But I got a good price for the pups!" There once was a man named Nute Who poured acid on his root He got holes, you see So when he would pee He'd finger the thing like a flute! There once was a man from Kent Who's dick was so long it was bent To stay out of trouble, He stuck it in double So instead of coming, he went There was was a man named Molder Who attempted to throw a small boulder Instead he tripped on a rock, And grasped his own cock, And threw himself over his shoulder. There once was a man from Iraq Who had holes down the length of his cock When he got an erection, He could play a selection From Johann Sebastion Bach The things that occur on the shingle of the beaches surrounding old Dingle can only be said in the bed of the wed 'cause they'd tingle the single to mingle! There once was a man from Eau Claire Who diddled his wife in a chair On the thirtyfirst stroke the furniture broke and his gun went off in the air. There once was a butcher from Clack Who found slicing meat was his knack Up until the day He met his "friend" Ray Now he only takes meat in the back. There was also a butcher from here Who's meat slicing method was queer He would handle the steak And cream he would make As he only took meat in the rear. A wire-winder who caught his wire in his winder, Wasn't hurt much and said, "Fate couldn't have been much kinder." Said his wife, Jane, "You can say that again", "Just imagine if you caught it in our meat grinder." There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a fucking machine, concave and convex, it fucked either sex and jerked off itself in between. A father of 3 boys named J. Dickinson Found incest to be quite a lot of fun. Said a friend, "Even though J.", "May be gay", "At least his name matches his avocation." A father of 4 girls named Dickinson Found incest to be quite a lot of fun. Said a friend, "Maybe we oughter" "Nickname him Dickindaughter", "Then that name will match his avocation." This is the tale of woe of a small boy named Lou Sitting in a crowded church with his family, who Turned to his father, Bart, And whispered, "Dad, I've got to fart !" Said Bart, "If you do, you must sit in your own pew." A young woman from the Land Where the Sun Rises Had boobs of unequal sizes. The left one was small And didn't seem abnormal at all, But the right one was so huge it won prizes. There once was a Man named McSweeny Who spilled some Gin on his weenie Just to be Couth He added Vermouth And slipped his chick a Martini! He invented a sexual device and tried the thing out once or twice but it wasn’t the gong but rather his prong that peeled and that didn’t feel nice. There was a young fellow of Crew whose tool was so straight and to true that the Navy when fighting could use it for sighting and at full range could sink a canoe. An observant young man of the west said "I’ve found out by personal test that men who make passes at girls who wear glasses get just as good sex as the rest". A harlot did not think it funny to hear the bad jokes told by Sonny. "I will not", she said "have such filth in my bed" then she cursed and gave him back his money. A toothsome young starlet named Smart was asked to display oral art as the price for a role. She complied, met his goal and then sank her teeth in the part. There was a young harlot of Clyde whose doctor cut open her hide. He misplaced her stitches and closed all her niches she now does her work on the side. Since her baby came, Miss Snow won’t diddle, she just hollers "no". She thinks a fat senator was it’s likely progenitor but having laid ten she can’t know. There was a young lady from Sydney who could take it right up to her kidney, but a man from Quebec put it up to her neck My, he had a long one, now didn’t he. As the elevator car left our floor Big Sue caught her chest in the door. She yelled a good deal, but had they been real she’d have yelled considerably more. A virgin emerged from her bath in a state of righteous wrath for she’d been deflowered when she bent as she showered ‘cause the handle was right in her path. Said a horrid old hag, "Look here honey I know that I’m wrinkled and funny, but get me in bed with a sack on my head and I’ll give you a run for your money". There was a young lady from Channelview whose boyfriend said "may I explore you?" She replied to the chap "I will draw you a map where the others have been to before you". There was an old maid of Duloth who wept when she thought of her youth and the glorious chanced she’d missed at school dances and once in a telephone booth. There was a young girl from Balmoral whose habits were highly immoral. For the price of a dime she took three at a time, one fore, one aft, and one oral. Said a coed from Duke University when asked about sexual diversity, "Screwing’s okay in the old fashioned way, but I do like a touch of perversity. There was a young student named Jones who reduced all maidens to groans by his wonderful knowledge acquired in college of nineteen erogenous zones. A businesslike harlot named Draper once tried an unusual caper. What made it so nice was you got it half-price if you brought in her ad from the paper. A newlywed bride, Mrs. Young asked the doctor to fix her torn lung. When asked how it ripped she replied as she stripped, "That man I married is hung". Said a diffident lady named Drood the first time she saw a man nude, "I’m glad I’m the sex that’s concave not convex for I don’t fancy things that protrude". When Smith caught his tool in some gears they grafted on skin from his ears and now the poor guy can hear through his fly, but screwing just bores him to tears. There once was a versatile whore as expert behind as before For a buck you could view her for to you could do her as she stood on her head on the floor. There once was a faddist of Devon who said "I have raped only seven young women to date, but soon it’ll be eight and shortly thereafter eleven". A young airline stewardess, May, has achieved the ultimate lay. She was screwed without quittin’ from New York to Great Britain it is clear that she’s come a long way. A horny young sailor named Clark picked up a slut in a park. She was ugly and crude and a horror when nude, but she was good for a spell in the dark. There once was a fellow named Mark who spread a girls legs in the dark He said "Now by thunder it’s a natural wonder I declare this a National Park". There was a young fellow named Dice who remarked "They say bigamy’s nice. Even two is a bore I prefer three or four for the plural of spouse it is spice". The 80-year-old accused of rape was called Mort, And the judge said, "Sir, you'll have to be tried in court." But the jury was sympathetic, Because Mort was sick, old, and pathetic, And the evidence wouldn't stand up in court. There once was a man from Nantucket, Whose dong was so long he could suck it. He walked down the street, Just a swinging his meat. While he carried his balls in a bucket. There was a young man who's dong Was prodigiously, massively long Down the sides of his whang, two testes did hang Which attracted a curious throng. |
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