A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection.
The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please,
after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do
you do with the crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and
then they make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you
do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles
from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those
leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."
A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After
paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three
pennies.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to
herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he
leaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh,
really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to
conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her
perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total
loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about
the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
Judi and Gayle were walking down the street. Judi noticed a
compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She
opened it, looked in the mirror, and said, "Hmmm, this person
looks familiar."
Gayle said, "Let me look." So Judi handed her the compact.
Gayle looked in the mirror then turned to Judi. "You dumbass
that's me
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on
the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas
which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as
the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the
tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't
eat that if I were you."
"Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"
Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in
the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be
in the third grade!"
The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to
the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.
While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained
the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's
teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to
answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the
first grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The
principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnnie: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
Johnnie: "81"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third
grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case.
The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think
Johnnie can go on to the third grade."
The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual
wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some
questions before we make that decision?"
The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look
on his face.
The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that
I have only 2 of?"
Johnnie: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"
The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's
expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I
think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last
two questions myself!"
God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first
approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?"
they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not murder." They
answered "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do
you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not steal."
They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do
you offer?" they asked. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbors
wife." "Sorry we are not interested," they answered.
Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked. "It's
free," he answered. "We'll take ten of them!"
A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to
see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking
dog you have there," he said.
"Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great
fighter."
"Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here."
"All right - how much do you wanna bet?"
"Ten dollars."
"You're on."
So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador
crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side.
"I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's
master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an
odd-looking one like yours."
"Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's
master. "But he looked even odder before I shaved his mane
off . . .
THIS ONE IS FUNNNY!!!!!~
A man called into a local radio station and told the "morning
guys" that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he
quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold
out?"
Reply: "Until my girlfriend dies."
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary
surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man
regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of
Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just
fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to
know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are
you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives,
then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster
nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are
married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-
law."
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for
the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking
without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's
owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny who managed to swim
to the closest island.
After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying
and very upset that they would never be found. The other man
was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the
Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never
be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began
the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way
$500,000. and another $500,000. to the United Jewish Appeal.
I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years
ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed
$750,000. to each. Last year business was good, so the two
charities each got a million dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives, and I know they're
going to find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.
A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After
paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three
pennies.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to
herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he
leaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh,
really? Tell me, what does my tip say?"
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to
conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her
perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."
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