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| Subject: joke: Two Nuns Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "The Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice b---s", says the man, "where do you want these blinds?" &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& >>>>S L O W D A N C E: >>>> Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight Or gazed at the sun into the fading night? You better slow down Don't dance so fast Time is short The music won't last Do you run through each day on the fly When you ask "How are you?" do you hear the reply? When the day is done, do you lie in your bed With the next hundred chores running through your head? You'd better slow down Don't dance so fast Time is short The music won't last >>>> Ever told your child, We'll do it tomorrow And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch, Let a good friendship die 'Cause you never had time to call and say "Hi"? >>>> You'd better slow down Don't dance so fast Time is short The music won't last >>>> When you run so fast to get somewhere You miss half the fun of getting there. When you worry and hurry through your day, It is like an unopened gift.... Thrown away... >>>> Life is not a race. Do take it slower Hear the music Before the song is over. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?" "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& EURO SOPHISTICATES LAUGH AT PRUDISH AMERICANS by David Burge, the IowaHawk Amsterdam (APUPI): While the Lewinsky scandal continues to rage on the front of American newspapers, a much different reaction has developed on this side of the Atlantic. To world-wise, sophisticated Europeans, the spectacle a curious sideshow and another reason to mock and disdain the puritan morals of their American counterparts. "You feelthy Americans, you make me seek," says sneering French graduate student Serge Tati, 47, expressing a common sentiment. Fashionably clad in a horizontal stripe t-shirt and skin-tight Speedo, he was recently relaxing on the Lido with his mistress Yvette LaFleur, 43. Like thousands of fellow French graduate students, he was enjoying his annual 28-week vacation. "Beel Clinton, he is Euro, no? He eez moderne, he eez now. He has joie de vivre. He ravages zee young geerls. In my country, we geeve heem a medal, no?" asks Tati, deeply drawing on a clove cigarette. "Oui, like Jerry Lewees," adds the topless LaFleur, carefully combing her leg hair. "And yet you treat heem like a common creeminal," noted Tati. "Ptui! You I speet on you, pheelistine American peegs! Wiss your 'amburgairs and tailfins and your soap! Ha-ha, we laugh at you!" he added, shaking his pinched fingers in a Euro-expression of disgust. The interview abruptly ended when a nearby sunbather was angered after being slapped by one of Tati's errant hand gestures. Tati and the sunbather proceeded to engage in a furious kicking and slapping fight, before fleeing in terror after spotting a German tourist. At EuroDisney in Fontainbleu, many visitors were likewise perplexed by Americans' scandal obsession. "Mitterand, he eez to having many affairs, no? We adore heem as a god," explains Jacqueline Robspierre, 28, an adverb specialist at the French Ministry of Language Purity. "You puny insignificant Americans, you treat Beel Clinton as eef he were a mere mortal." Herve Souci agrees. Like thousands of other EuroDisney workers, Souci, 39, is on strike demanding government designation as an 'artiste,' which, if granted, will translate into a 47 week annual vacation. "Zee American -how you say?--right-wingair, he eez blind. He cannot see zee simple beauty of Beel Clinton, of zee Jean-Luc Goddard feelm, of zee European football," says Souci, removing the head of his Mickey Mouse costume for a drink of wine. "Merde! How I pity and despise you," he adds, pausing to kick two children attempting to cross the picket line. Across the English Channel and long accustomed to their own lurid sex scandals, Britons appear to find the Lewinsky affair somewhat boring. At the Dog and Queen, a picturesque pub in London's Mayfair section, a group of locals discusses the scandal over a traditional lunch of boiled sheep pancreas, bitter spleen pie, rancid chocolate and warm beer. "We do have a 'special relationship' with you Yanks, but I must say you have gone a bit starkers over this Lewinsky business," laughs Nigel Ealing, 32, a quality reduction engineer at Jaguar. "It positively reminds one of your obsession with plumbing, dentistry and shampoo." Collin Framinghampton-Smythe, an unemployed soccer hooligan for Manchester United, agreed. "Bloody 'ell, you 'aven't got a single snapshot of 'er knickers." "Shut your bloody gob, ye wee bastard," added his friend Derek Hobson, playfully smashing a pint glass into Framinghampton-Smythe's face, dislodging four of his remaining teeth before vomiting on the snooker table. In Amsterdam, perhaps Europe's most cosmopolitan city, the locals openly laugh at the perceived Puritanism of their American cousins. "Americans, they must have hangups, many many hangups, not like we open minded Dutch," says leather-hooded, whip-wielding Mistress Dominique, 67, a performer at Amsterdam's Elderslutz, a overnment-operated live sex show featuring senior citizens. The show was created by the Dutch government to provide jobs for unemployed elderly prostitutes. Bart TenBoek, 42, a government-employed heroin addict, agrees. "Bill Clinton is a hero. He is a model of Eurostyle for the backward Americans. No. Wait a minute. He is a tree. A big glowing, pink tree. Flying across the sky making a beautiful, beautiful rainbow," notes TenBoek, laughing uncontrollably as he collapses into a fetal position. In Milan, where 'amore' is way of life, the citizenry is solidly behind President Clinton. "Si, Beel Clinton is multi bello," say Giancarlo Leone, 32, an unemployed movie extra and father of twelve. "He is - how you say - my-a hero." "Ciao, bella! Bellisima, Bellisima," he compliments a passing girl, pausing to make smooching sounds as he pinches her hindquarters. "Ow!" he adds painfully, fleeing on his rusting Vespa to avoid another flowerpot from his wife, who is screaming from a nearby balcony. In faraway Barcelona, Juan Ortega has similar sentiments. "Si, I tink de Americans, dey not like Meester Cleenton too good enough," says Ortega, who had a Coke concession at the 1992 Olympics, but has since been unemployed. "Dey should love heem, like we love paella or Generalissimo Franco." Helga Ericksson, 54, an official with the Swedish Ministry of furniture and Suicide in Stockholm, agrees. "Yah, Americans are fascists. They moost embrace Clinton. Like ve Svedes embrace depression and death." Germans Dieter Schaden, 28, and Igo Reinholdt, 34, have a message for scandal-obsessed Americans. "Ja, get mitten der twentiest century," says the couple, between acts of their bondage and discipline show at a dark Berlin discotheque. Jane Kirschner, style editor at the New York Times and a longtime Europhile, feels embarrassment over American scandalmania. "All across the continent, they are laughing at our backward, prudish, puritan morals. I almost feel too ashamed to go to there anymore," she say, sipping a cup of black espresso. Kirschner thinks the continentals are on to something. "We have a lot to learn from them. Americans need to become more open-minded and jaded. We need to adopt sophisticated European ways, like $8 per gallon gasoline and 145 tax brackets." The recent election gives Kirschner some hope, though. "Apparently, Americans aren't as hung up on this scandal as the media thought." "Thankfully, we are becoming more like the Europeans." (c) 1998 David Burge, the IowaHawk. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% The path to enlightenment requires a flashlight with fresh batteries. Subject: Heavenly Humor A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Depending on your profession, where you might go on your next vacation ;-) I hope this will add a dash of fun for your busy, boring, hectic, fun or whatever else you would describe it Artists: Painted Desert, Arizona Athletes: Olympia Heights, Florida Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana College Professors: University City, Missouri Ecologists: Green Bay Wisconsin Firefighters: Smokey Mountains Fortune tellers: Palm Springs, California Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan Lawyers: Accident, Maryland Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York Optometrists: Plainview, New York Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina Pianists: Florida Keys Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas Prostitutes: Pleasure Ridge, Kentucky Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia Sailors: Marina, California Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey TV Evangelists: Paradise, California &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& A glossary of Medical Terms, and alternate meanings. ---------------------------------------------------- Benign................What you be after you be eight. Artery................The study of paintings. Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria. Barium................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan...............Searching for kitty. Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her. Colic.................A sheep dog. Coma..................A punctuation mark. D & C.................Where Washington is. Dilate................To live long. Enema.................Not a friend. Fester................Quicker than someone else. Fibula................A small lie. Genital...............Non-Jewish person. G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball. Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on. Impotent..............Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane. Morbid................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates. Node..................Was aware of Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted. Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test. Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative........A letter carrier. Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery. Rectum................Darn near killed him. Secretion.............Hiding something. Seizure...............Roman emperor. Tablet................A small table. Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station Tumor.................More than one. Urine.................Opposite of you're out. Varicose..............Near by/close by. Vein..................Conceited. *********************************************** Time for a break.... Take this test, . . . . . scroll down slowly and don't CHEAT!. . . . .Sharing the results with me is optional... There are five things going on simultaneously which need to be taken care of 1. The telephone is ringing. 2. The baby is crying. 3. Someone knocks at the front door or rings the doorbell. 4. There is laundry hanging on the line outside and it begins to rain. 5. The water faucet in the kitchen is running. In what order do you take care of the problems? Jot down your order, and scroll down after you've made your decision. Each represents something in your life. Don't cheat! 1. The phone represents your job or career. 2. The baby, your family 3. The visitor, your friends. 4. The laundry, your sex life. 5. The running water, money or wealth. Makes You think, eh???? Hmmmmmmmmm How close did this test match your priorities in life? The result of mine was: 1. family 2. friends 3. sex 4. money 5. job... in case you wanted to know An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?" "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% ************************************************ Time to take a break and ponder, also get inspired and have few laughs too. Please visit, sign-up and don't forget to send him a message! http://maxpages.com/shadowalker08/home MAKE SURE TO EMAIL ME AT KAYFBALA@AOL.COM IF U HAVE ANY QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS PLSAE SIGN MY GESTBOOK |
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