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| JOKES ABOUT NALITONALITYS | HERE ARE ACTUAL LABELS THAT HAVE APPERD ON PRODUCTS |
| There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: * 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman * 2 French men and 1 French woman * 2 German men and 1 German woman * 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman * 2 English men and 1 English woman * 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman * 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman * 2 American men and 1 American woman * 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman * 2 Russian men and 1 Russian woman One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere.... The 1st Italian man has killed the other for the Italian woman. The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".... The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman, and she is waiting for someone to introduce her to the American men. The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming. The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low. The American woman has filed a law suit for sexual harrassement against both American men, and they are suing each other for libel. The woman has also become a Scientologist and is having an affair with the Bulgarian woman. One of the men has become a Bahaist and befriended the wildlife on the island, while the second has become a born-again christian and attends councelling sessions with the two Swedish men. The Irish began by dividing their island Northside- Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut- whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any... The first Russian man married the Russian woman and divorced her. He is the best customer of the Irish distillery. The other Russian man made money by actually killing the Italian on contract and by arranging exit visas for the Bulgarians; with that he acquired a controlling 33.4% share in the Irish distillery including the world-wide distribution rights to the English and he hired the Greeks as sales agents. He employs both Germans as bodyguards (hence the strict schedule) both for himself and for his Russian girlfriend, and has promised the Bulgarian woman that she can become the maid of their first child. He regularly sees the Swedish woman "to learn English". In the mean time, the French still think they are alone on the island. ITALIANS: How about this? At a bus stop and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one alasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine", said the lady indignantly. "In this country we dont talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey coola down", said the man. "Who talkin' about a sexa? I'mma justa tellun my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'." |
actual label instructions that have appeared on consumer goods: > > On Sears hair dryer: > Do not use while sleeping. > > On a bag of Fritos: > You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. > > On a bar of Dial soap: > Directions: Use like regular soap. > > On Some Swannson frozen dinners: > Serving suggestion: Defrost. > > On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: > Fits one head. > > On Tesco=B9s Tiramisu desert: > Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) > > On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: > Product will be hot after heating. > > On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: > Do not iron clothes on body. > > On Boot=B9s Children=B9s Cough Medicine: > Do not drive car or operate machinery. > > On Nytol (a sleep aid) > Warning: May cause drowsiness. > > On a Korean kitchen knife: > Warning keep out of children. > > On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: > For indoor or outdoor use only. > > On a Japanese food processor: > Not to be used for the other use. > > On Sainsbury=B9s Peanuts: > Warning: contains nuts. > > On an American Airlines packet of nuts: > Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. > > On a Swedish chainsaw: > Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. |
| COLINTON JOKES | |
| Just in case you think you are "on-top of things" for the holidays..... Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration December 7 Debug Windows '95 December 8 Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with beeswax from my backyard bee colony. December 9 Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved ones. December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled myself.Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by hand making snow and playing my Christmas album. December 13 Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. Decem |
> >> 1.) What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? > >> Only 1500 went down on the Titanic. > >> > >> 2.) What's the new game they're playing in the White House? > >> Swallow the Leader. > >> 3.) What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume? > >> "Sat on the Presidential Staff" > >> 4.) In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton", 86% replied, "Not again" > >> 5.) What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal? > >> Hornigate. > >> 6) Most people get AIDS from sex; > >> But President Clinton gets sex from aides. > >> > >> 7) President Clinton "I didn't say to lie in the deposition! > >> I said lie in that position! > >> > >> 8) The price of oil has skyrocketed; rumor has it that the > >> President is drilling in the White House again. > >> > >> 9) The latest on Zippergate President Clinton's name has been > >> recently identified with the UNABANGER. > >> > >> 10) Did you hear that they renamed one of the offices in the White House as the Oral Office?> Dear white fella There are a Couple of things you should know When I'm born, I'm black When I grow up, I'm black When I go in the sun, I'm black When I'm cold, I'm black When I'm sick, I'm black And when I die, I'm still black. You white fella When you're born, you're pink When you grow up, you're white When you go in the sun, you're red When you're cold, you're blue When you're scared, you're yellow When you're sick, you're green And when you die, you're gray. And you have the nerve to call me colored????? |
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