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| You know you're a loser when... Tell stupid jokes and host "America's Funniest Home Videos". Wear your orthidontic head gear to school. Have a Johnathan Taylor Thomas calander. Chat on your Starship Enterprise phone. Have more "cyberfriends" than normal friends. Are no longer a "cyber-virgin". Wear a "Kurt Cobain 1967-1994" tee Shirt. Wear a shirt with the girls bathroom symbol plastered on the front, come on, I know you've seen them! Argue with your friends which Green Day album is better: Dookie or Insomniac, which features the hit "Geek Stink Breath" Know every word to "Ice Ice Baby" by the great Vanilla Ice. Waste your life reading fantasy novels with gnomes, dragons, hobbits, and the like. Stay home on Friday night to watch the McNeil-Lehrer report, because your liberal teacher mentions that it is an interesting program. Discuss, with your "cyberfriends" the intricate workings of the Starship Enterpise. Have your first beer on your 21st Birthday. Remind a teacher that she forgot to give homework. Make a website called the Chicken Hutt. Reply to the question "Do you like Led Zeppelin?" by saying "He's alright." Notice that all of your long-distance phone calls start with "900". The "UFO Hotline" asks you to limit yourself to one call per day. Actually call your doctor to find out more about Rogaine with Minoxodil. Have a pocket protector protector and/or wear a sweatsuit to school. Believe in your heart that Silverchair and Bush AREN'T trying to imitate the great Pearl Jam. Watch "90210" to find out if Kelly does Coke. You're a guy and you watch 90210 so you can talk about the show with girls. Have a bumper sticker that says, "My daughter is an honor student at Scarsdale elementary", or something stupid like that. Watch Late-night Cinemax movies for the plot. Enjoy dancing the "Macarena". Write "Bush rulez!" on your backpack. Your name is Mike Reddy. While engaged in hard-core drinking, you constantly leave 3 Oz. of beer in each bottle, and claim that it is "backwash" You're white, and you wear one of those Bear Bubble Jackets, like Doug's Sister's boyfriend. Sit at home on Saturday Night playing the Family Feud video game by yourself. Talk like the people from the movie "Clueless". Are reading this. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You must be a redneck if..... You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back. Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's fourteen. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs. Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction. If you can burp and say your name at the same time, you're shur'nuff a redneck. You think Possum is "The Other White Meat" You carried a fishing pole into Sea World. You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop. The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist. You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels. Your huntin dog had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed. You think safe sex is a padded headboard. You think subdivision is part of a math problem. You think there's nothing wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. You and your dog use the same tree. You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'. You think the OJ Trial was a Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test. You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's. You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay. Your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed. The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call..." When you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took. Your whole family are Democrats except little Mary. She learnt how to read. You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph. You can get dog hair from out of your belly button. You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH." You take a six-pack cooler to church. Your family tree has no forks. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. You use a weedeater in your living room. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You have a rag for a gas cap. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it. The third grade teacher says little Bubba could be a mathematical genius because he's got thirteen fingers. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. One of your kids was born on a pool table. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood". If you refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year". Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them. Your `huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray. Your pickup has a two-tone paint job. Primer red and primer gray. Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado. The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. You may be a redneck if you ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together. You're a lite beer drinker 'cause you start drinkin beer when it gets light. You think the stock market has fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater. You own a homemade fur coat. You use your pop machine as a casino game. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. YOU REFER TO THE TIME YOU WON A FREE CASE OF MOTOR OIL AS "THE DAY MY SHIP CAME IN." The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year. You use a NASCAR credit card. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. Your brother-in-law is your uncle AND your grandfather. Your parents met at a family reunion. You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. You stare at an orange juice container because it says, "CONCENTRATE". YOUR IDEA OF HIGH-QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SIX-PACK AND A BUG-ZAPPER. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!". You couldn't learn to swim because your gene pool is too small. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat. Your school fight song is"Dueling Banjos". You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. You got Clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. That billboard that says, "SAY NO TO CRACK" reminds you to pull up your jeans. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You go to your family reunion looking for a date. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. Your high school basketball game got rained out. You've got more than three cousins named 'Bubba'. YOU'VE EVER COME HOME AND FOUND CRIME SCENE TAPE ACROSS YOUR FRONT PORCH. You have a close relative named "Cletus". You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest. You wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park. Last year you hid your kids' Easter eggs under cow pies. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People" Your dog can't watch you eat without getting sick. You think the winter olympic sport of curling is part of the "Big Hair" competition. When you were little, your front yard got toilet papered and your momma thought it was a gift from God. You've painted a car with house paint. You're banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys. You ever named a child after a dog. You have more belt-buckles than pants. You removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in. You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner. Your child's first words were "Attention K-Mart shoppers!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Greatest Insults | "We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault." "Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?" "Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in the wind." "What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank." "Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?" "You were one of the first to get a brain, before they were perfected" "What's up half head?" "When they were giving out brains, I remember holding the door open for you. Why did you have to stand on a box?" "You were one of the first to get a brain, before they were perfected." "But you did get a brain that day. The problem is that you should have asked for one to go." "You got your brain very early. Apparently the warranty has run out." "When they were handing out brains you arrived too late, all you got was a rain check." "They just ran out of brains by the time you got there, so they gave you a nice wood carving instead." "When they were handing out brains, you were the first in the queue, and held the door open for the rest of us." "You didn't get a brain that day either. They were only handing them out to people who would use them." "You got your brain first when they were handing them out in alphabetical order, A for 'Aardvark'" "We all know your only calling me that because it's as high as you can count." "Lets not start counting body parts, you'll lose." "You should wear glasses, then you could see the faces people pull when they see you coming." "It would kill you to wear glasses. One day you'd look in the mirror and you would die laughing!" "What is it six teeth?" "If I said anything to offend you it was purely intentional." "You don't have to say anything. You offend me just by being in the area." "I don't take it personally. Every time you open your mouth you offend someone." "Well, you probably said it without thinking, the way you do most things." "Don't worry about it. I've never listened to a thing you've said since the day I met you." "Nothing you could say could offend me. I only get offended by things that make sense." "I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now." "It's not what you say, it's the thought behind it that counts, and I know there's never any thought behind anything you say." "I wouldn't get angry at you today. It's "Be kind to Animals" week." "Your face looks like you've been using it as a doorstop." "Your face would not only stop a door, but also most clocks and a herd of charging buffalo." "If your face had "Welcome" written on it, it would make a perfect doormat." "If you put your face by a door, no one would ever come in." "Your face is such a mess, you must stop using it to hammer in nails." "Your face doesn't look like a doorstep, it looks like the door just kept going." "Your face is such a mess, you should stop reading before slamming the book shut." "Your face is such a mess, why don't you get your dog something different to chew on?" "Your face is such a mess, when you practice diving why don't you make sure the pool has water in next time." "Your face is very becoming. It's becoming more and more ugly every time I see it." "You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade?" "I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts." "I understand that's Animal Magic is your favourite show because so many of your realatives are on it." "I know your trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging." "That's funny you calling me an animal, and it's you that has the webbed feet." "You look familiar too, but that's not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby." "You look familiar too, have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden?" "Didn't I dissect you in a biology class one time?" "Use your head. It's the little things that count." "Use your head. I think you'll find it in your pocket." "It looks like you've been using your head a lot. As a bowling ball." "Why don't you use you head, give it a new experience." "You must use your head a lot, I can see some of the spots where it's starting to get worn." "You should use you head. There is a first time for everything." "I'd rather use your head. I prefer something that has never been used." "Your such a weakling. You need to get two friends to help you change your mind." "Your such a weakling. If muscles were brains, you would still be stupid." "Your such a weakling. The only way you could make a muscle is with the help of an erector set." "Your such a weakling. You cant even hold up your end of a conversation." "Your such a weakling. Every time you throw out your chest the dustbin men refuse to collect it." "Your such a weakling. If it weren't for your brain you'd have no muscles in your body at all." "Your such a weakling. The only thing you can break with your bear hands is a promise." "Your such a weakling. If it weren't for your Adam's apple, you'd have no physique at all." "Your such a weakling. You can't even lift your own moral." "Is 13 your age or your IQ?" "Look who is talking, you can't even spell IQ." "The only way you could get a 10 IQ is to take the test twice and add the scores together." "They didn't even give you an IQ, they knew you had no place to put it." "If you had an IQ of 12 you'd have to grow two more fingers to be able to count it." "I know potted plants that have a higher IQ than you." "Trust you to mention IQ, everyone knows that it's the longest word you can spell." "Perhaps when you grow up you'll have an IQ of 12, if you've learned to count that far by then. "The only IQ test you've ever taken was one going through a maze to find a piece of cheese hidden at the end." "I don't know what you exact IQ is, except it starts with a decimal point." "When they were giving out heads, you thought they said beds, and you said "I'd like something soft" "When they were giving out brains, you thought they said grains, and you said "Make mine oatmeal" "When they were giving out noses, you thought they said roses, and you said "Give me a big red one" "When they were giving out heads, you thought they said sheds, and you said "I'd like a nice big wooden one" "When they were giving out looks, you thought they said books, and you said "Give me something funny" "When they were giving out brains, you thought they said canes, and you said "I won't need one of those" "When they were giving out noses, you thought they said hoses, and you said "I don't mind if mine drips a little bit" "When they were giving out faces, you thought they said cases, and you said "I'd like one made of leather" "When they were giving out heads, you thought they said breads, and you said "I'd like mine nice and doughy" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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