Jokes.... - This is a page of jokes....If you dont wanna laugh, leave, cause this will make you laugh, feel free to share these with your friends! Have fun! - Weird Stuff

WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO TRAVEL
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't
get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to
fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked
what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He
replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a
very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England
from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on
the map."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible
that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago
at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of
Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know
which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which
he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of
these darn planes have numbers on them."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't,
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of
those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China
four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express."
_______________________________________________________________________
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when
we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than ten years old,
you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You're never 36 and a half
....you're four and a half going on 5.
You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16."
You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.
Then the great day of your life; you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony. You BECOME 21....Yes!!
Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk.
He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What's wrong? What changed?
You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.
Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50.
You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50;
then you MAKE IT to 60.
By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70.
After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday...
You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30.
My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas.
"Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."
And it doesn't end there....
Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100,
you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."
_______________________________________________________________________
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had
been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and
so every morning when the night shift workers passed through
his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to
make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job
until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through
his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up
what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the
paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was
acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I
go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have
thrown away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a
close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the
night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy
would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's
checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for
work only to find a message had been left for him telling him
to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's
office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're
fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I
do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from
this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole
anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for
the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"
_______________________________________________________________________
Code of Conduct:
OFFICAL DISCLAIMER: The views expressed on this page are not necessarily the views expressed by SANE people. The management accepts no responsibility to any outburst of bodily fluids. We ask patrons to please keep their hands visible at all times, their seats in an up right position and their heads between the nearest set of knees when ever possible . Remember we're freedom fighters with mandolins...
_______________________________________________________________________
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,

"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I
was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day
polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the
apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I
spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm
for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end
of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
_______________________________________________________________________
The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant.
"Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?"
demands the gangster.
The accountant is silent.
"Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.
The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate."
So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant
about the money, and the message is relayed back
that the accountant knows nothing about it.
Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to
the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer,
"Ask him again where my money is!"
"Okay!Okay!" the deaf accountant sighs back.
"The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."
"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.
The attorney replies,
"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
_______________________________________________________________________
Answering Machine Messages
Please feel free to try these

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.
If you're still with me,
leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine
this is a telepathic thought recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling
and a number where I can reach you,
and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George.
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar,
then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now
and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya.
We can't pick up the phone right now because
we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up & down, and I like doing it left to right
.......real slow.........So leave a message,
and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
_______________________________________________________________________

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz
as an enemy of the State.
He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept,
break every piece of wood, find no diamonds,
swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
_______________________________________________________________________
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.
The bartender says, 'I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here.'
The string walked away and sat down with his friends.
A few minutes later he walked back up to the bar and ordered a beer.
The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says,
'I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here.'
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea.
He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair.
Then he walks back up to the bar. His friends think that he's crazy.
So, he orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, 'Hey, aren't you a string?'
And the string says,
'Nope, I'm a frayed knot.'
_______________________________________________________________________
Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist,
and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king
and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to
the guillotine.

As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner
asked, "Head up or head down?"

"Head up," said the doctor.

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came
the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's
neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't
succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the
doctor was set free.

Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.

"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.

"Head up."

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came
the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck.
Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the
first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was
set free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.

"Head up or head down?"

"Head up."

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the
rope, the engineer yelled out:

"WAIT! I see what the problem is!".
_______________________________________________________________________
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up
at the clouds.
He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
God", he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."
_______________________________________________________________________
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a
flagpole.
So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures,
and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures--the whole thing
is just a mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over,
pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end,

gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.
"Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us
the length."
_______________________________________________________________________
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said,
"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
__________________________________________________________________________________
There was a doctor who was the most respected in town.
He wanted more time with his family,
so he decided to clone himself to cut down on his work load.
He was very successful.
No one could tell that they were being examined by a clone
and not the real doctor.
After a while, the clone became vulgar and
he would tell his patients dirty jokes.
The doctor realized all of this and decided that he needed to kill
the clone to save his name.
He took the clone to a cliff outside of town and pushed him off.
The next day, however, the police found out and arrested the doctor
for making an OBSENE CLONE FALL.
__________________________________________________________________________________
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret
of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom
on the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'
We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me
and quietly said 'That's once.'"
_____________________________________________________________________________________
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows every week and began to understand what the magician did
in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting
in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers
under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of
Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the
captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found
himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of
course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a
word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up.
What'd you do with the boat?"
___________________________________________________________________
A young ventriloquist is touring the South
and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas.
He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes,
when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says
"I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes;
we ain't all stupid here in the South."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize,
when the big guy pipes up,
"You stay out of this mister,
I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!"
_____________________________________________________________________________________
One day, Hanson and the Spice Girls were all on an airplane,
and they get into a discussion when Baby Spice stated
"You know, I could toss a thousanddollars out the window of this plane and make
one person very happy."
Then, the oldest Hanson brother said,
"Well, I could toss ten one hundreddollar bills out the plane and make ten
people happy."
Then Sporty Spice said, "Well, I could toss one hundred, ten dollar bills out,
and make onehundred people happy!"
Then the middle Hanson brother very proudly said,
"Well, I could toss one thousand, one dollar bills out the window and make one
thousand people happy!"
Sick of the discussion, another passenger said,
"Well, I have a better idea, I could toss all of you out the window and make the
entire world happy!"
_____________________________________________________________________________________
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
--------------------------
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
_____________________________________________________________________________________
A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the
emergency room for medical treatment.

"What happened" asked the doctor.

"Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the
ballgame on TV," began the man.

"She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the
phone rang, I answered the iron."

The doctor nodded,
"But what happened to the other ear?"

"Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man,
"when the same guy called again."

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The one, the only.....can i have a drum roll please-Kari!
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somewhere	in	nowhere
a place in a land far away where there are kings and horses and knights....ex.
c-a-l-l a-t-t c-a-l-l a-t-t c-a-l-l a-t-t
Fax 1-800- I-STUPID
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Page Updated Sat Feb 5, 2000 6:06pm EST