Blonde Jokes - Blonde jokes, if your a blonde and can't handle them, leave now... - Weird Stuff

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was
which.

A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and
that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in
a bush.

It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's
tail and our blonde friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse.

That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a
barbed wire fence.

Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height.

When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white
horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
_______________________________________________________________________
Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes,
and she was sick of all the blonde jokes.
One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.
She also went out and bought a new convertible.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.
She stopped and called the sheepherder over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said.
"Well thank you.", said the herder.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman.
"Okay.", replied the herder.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock,
can I take one home?", asked the woman.
"Sure.", said the sheepherder.
So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second
and then replied, "382".
"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right.
Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered,
"Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?", queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"
_______________________________________________________________________
Blondes Strike back
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.

What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage
_______________________________________________________________________
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other
on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines
and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game
is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says,
"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00,
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and,
figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays,
agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse,
pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer,
"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer
and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the
net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker,
to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.
The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed,
wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
_______________________________________________________________________
How do you measure a blonde's IQ?
With a tire guage!

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home.

Why do blondes wear ponytails?
So people won't see the valve on their head.

Two blondes were walking around when they saw some tracks. One blonde says,
"They're moose tracks."
The other blonde says,"No, they're deer tracks."
"No, they're moose tracks!"
"Deer tracks!"
They kept arguing until the train ran them over.

A smart blonde, a dumb blonde, Santa Claus, and the Easter bunny were walking along when they saw $100. Who got the money?
The dumb blonde because the other three don't exist.

How can you tell blondes are so bias?
They keep going, "Buy us this," "Buy us that."

What's the difference between the following two sounds: A punctured balloon and a blonde with a hole in her head?
None.

What sound does a blonde going through a flashing red light make?
Screech. Vrrmmm. Screech. Vrmmm.

Why did the blonde dye her hair red?
Instant intelligence!

Why don't blondes like the S.A.T.?
It's too difficult to spell.

Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
So they remember 'Toe Goes in First'

Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't get all that water in the little package.

Why did the blonde stare at the carton of Orange Juice?
It said 'concentrate'

What's a blonde's favorite saying?
'I don't know'

Why do blonde's wear shoulder pads?
To protect their head when saying 'I don't know' (This joke requires that special visual element)

What do you call a brunette and two blondes standing on a corner?
Regular price, four bucks, four bucks

What do a blonde reading a book and people in a silent movie have in common?
Their lips are moving but no sound is coming out!

Did you hear about the blonde who went hot air ballooning?
She stepped to close to the campfire! (C'mon, think about it...)

What do blondes and McDonald's have in common?
Over five billion served!

Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus

Did you hear about the blonde who was blind for ten years?
It was really sad. One morning she just forgot to open her eyes.

What do a blonde and a burnt out light bulb have in common?
One's just as bright as the other!

Why'd the blonde bury her driver's license?
Because it had expired!

How do you make a blonde laugh on Sunday?
You tell her a joke on Thursday!

What do you get when you cross a blonde with a brunette?
Artificial Intelligence!!!

How do you tell the difference between a smart blonde and a dumb blonde?
Wait a minute: I forgot. (This note only works if a blonde tells it)

Do you hear about the blonde who woke up next to a guy in a baseball cap?
She looked around bewildered and asked, "Where's the rest of the team?"

Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her boyfriend's car?
She burned her mouth.

How can you tell if a blonde has just been using a computer?
There's white-out on the screen!

How do you get a blonde to be quiet?
Just say to her: "A penny for your thoughts."

Why'd the blonde faint?
She forgot to breathe.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought she discovered that she had a twin sister?
She didn't realize she was looking in a mirror.

Why don't blondes like audio-books?
There aren't any pictures.

Why don't blondes like to be wined and dined?
They don't like to listen to other people's problems.

Why didn't the blonde go in the building?
She heard it was four stories and she didn't like to read.

What's a blonde's mating call?
'I'm so drunk.'

How many blondes does it take to make a smart blonde?
It can't be done!

How can you tell if a blonde is a natural blonde?
Blow in her ear, if she's a real blonde she starts to float!

How do you keep a blonde entertained indefinitely?
Give her a 'Where's Waldo' book...

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!!!

Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
They heard under seventeen weren't admitted!!!

A gorgeous young blonde woman gets sick and tired of men trying to pick her up in bars because she's beautiful, blonde, and so men thought she was easy. One she decides to show everyone. She goes home and decides to smarten herself up. She decides to learn the capitals of all the fifty states. Week after week she practices until she knows them all. Finally, she is once again ready to go back to the bar. She sits down and after a few seconds a guy comes up to her and starts hitting on her. It is soon evident that he just wants to take her home and have sex with her.
The lovely blonde says emphatically, "But I'm not just beautiful! I'm smart too!!"
"Yeah, yeah. I believe you," says the young stud. "Now let's go."
Again she protests. "No, really I am smart. I know the capitals of all the states."
The guy starts walking away, getting sick of her.
She follows him. "Really, go ahead ask me a state. I'll give you its capitol and show you how smart I am."
Just to get rid of her, the guy says, "Fine. What's the capital of New Mexico?"
The breathtaking blonde looks at him proudly and says. "New Mexico has two capitals: 'N' and 'M'."

Why didn't the blonde go to the movies on buck night?
Because she couldn't fit the deer into her car!

How do you make a blonde confused?
Hand her a bag of M&Ms and ask her to alphabetize them.

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde (all pregnant) are sitting around trying to figure out what sex their babies will be.
The redhead says, "I always have sex on the bottom and I heard if you do that you'll have a girl."
The brunette said, "I always have sex on top so I must be going to have a boy."
The blonde pondered this a minute then began sobbing. "Oh no! I'm going to have puppies!"

Three pregnant women, again a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, are sitting in a room trying to figure out who's the father of their babies.
The brunette says "My baby's either Steve's or Jim's."
The redhead says "Mine's either John's or Bob's."
The blonde thought for a moment then said in a puzzled voice "I wonder if it's mine."

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Page Updated Sat Feb 5, 2000 8:53pm EST