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How to Survive a Horror Movie

1. Never drink or do drugs and stay a virgin.

2. Never say that you'll be right back because you won't be.

3. Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.

4. When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lights on!

5. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

6. Big breasts and blonde hair are a death-wish.

7. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

8. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

9. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

10. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

11. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

12. Always check the back seat of your car.

13. If on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.

14. If you come into possession of a strange old artifact and any exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, indian medicine man) warns you to do/not do something, do not do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly they are.

15. Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying rituals should be viewed with fear. Especially on the spot where the event took place. Most especially on even century anniversaries. And certainly if you or a friend is somehow descended from one of the original participants.

16. If your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turns back to normal, kill them because they are not normal!

17. Kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. They will eventually get you killed.

18. Never be with the group who plays vicious pranks on the shy strange new kid, those pranksters will soon meet their doom and often in a horribly gory way.

19. Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl, she will be the one to distract everyone when there really is danger.

20. Nothing is ever over if it is still night-time.

21. Take heed of all warnings from animals and children. They usually know more than you do.

22. Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.

23. Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. It guarantees that you have no future.

24. Never under any circumstances run upstairs if you are being chased.

25. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

26. If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back in the sequel and kick ass, no explanation needed.

27. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.

28. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

29. Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.

30. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any (possibly deathly) device made from deceased companions.

31. Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

32. Remember: Showing Skin=Death.

33. Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

34. Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

35. When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There's no hope for you anyway.

36. If you're annoying person that no-body likes and in a crap cheapo horror movie, please make a documentary that requires you to hike through the woods while looking for a witch that leaves stick figures hanging in trees, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

37. Never say "Who's there?" Its a death wish.

38. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

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Page Updated Thu May 29, 2003 9:23am EDT